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Newest Member: TryingToReform (45458)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Home...airport letdown.
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We said goodbye to my H 6 days ago and I had one request. Please be on time @ the airport to greet us. He has been late several times and I cannot express how disappointed I feel when I see everyone hugging loved ones and he is not there. I was sure he would be standing there when we came down the escalator.

He was not. His apoplogy came after telling me time and again that he "thought" it was arriving @ 10:15. "For some reason this was in my head" he says. Try looking at the itinerary, was my response.

I then get to the car and my SIL's baby stroller is in my van. We let her stay @ our home for almost 3 weeks bc she left her bf of 6 years - they have an 18m old. But for some reason between my SIL + MIL no one could take the stroller with them when they left.

This may not seem like a big deal but they cross biundaries all the time and bc my H is so used to it he does not see it. They are notorious for leaving things behind or forgetting to bring what they were supposed too.

I wish I could say I spoke to my H on the one hour ride home but I did not. I handled an incredibly triggered filled and emotionally taxing trip home with a lot of grace but it has gone out the fuckin' aircraft tonight.

I just screamed at my H calling him a low-class asshole. I grabbed my still packed suitcase and wanted to leave. My son heard us fighting and was crying. I feel like shit for that. But I cannot stand my H right now. Or his family.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Hearthache again
♀ Member
Member # 28564
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is he very forgetful? My husband has always been forgetful. Look into reasons for it. My husband's forgetfulness had a lot to do with depression.

If it is just his personality than he needs to do some simple behavioral therapy strategies to help with this. He needs to realize that his forgetfulness is a problem since it hurts people that he loves.


Me-BS(32)
Him-WS(35)
Married-12 years together 13
Kids 4: 15, 12, 8, and 3
DDay#1 9-26-2008 Dday#2 4-26-2010
We have R!!! But I still hate the number 26!

This too shall pass
I edit a lot because that stupid box is so small!


Posts: 871 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Michigan
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is very forgetful. He is one of those absent-minded profs (sorry if you are a prof!).

But in this case he said he didn't forget. He just "thought" otherwise but was wrong.

I think I was hitching too much to seeing him standing there. I resented that he got 6 solo days to golf, play poker, visit childhood friends and I kept it together and talked/comforted my parents (esp Dad) as we told them of H's affair the day before he left. They took it well bit then...they processed it! It was just a lot. I feel like the airport non-greeting is symbolic of us. He is asking me to note ALL the things he did do to show he was excited about us coming home. Right now I can't.

Then I find "welcome" notes from my in-laws to the boys + H. Nothing for me but I guess I should not be surprised.

What I feel worst about is my crying son.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:57 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome home LA

:)

Can I just put my experience on this? I am just saying this would have been me a few years ago.

My husband is late, for everything. He never allows enough time for himself and no matter how I remind or prompt him to get ready, whatever he is just LATE.

It used to drive me nuts….to the point it would ruin an outing.

Just last week he was picking me up from work, I was working the overnight 10:30 p.m. - 6:30 a.m. We were heading to New Hampshire and only wanted to take one car. I was beyond excited to be out of work and when I work an overnight I am always exhausted. I told him when I needed to be picked up. I got out of work and sat outside with a book and waited….15 minutes. Yup he was late.

A few years ago I would have been pissy…probably ruined the ride up there with silence or little digs.

Not anymore. I knew he would be late, not because he doesn't care, not because he wasn't excited to go away…but because it is who he is. When we are leaving to go anywhere he needs to make sure everything is done at home…water the grass, make sure cats are fed/watered, he will bring down laundry. Because he is anal. His little chores take longer than he thinks they will and he ends up running behind.

Does he do this because he doesn't care about me? No. Does he do it to piss me off? Nope Hurt me? Nah…he does it because he has little quirks that make him have to leave the house perfect before heading out…and I love his quirks. Sometimes I have to remind myself of my little quirks that he accepts in me because I am not perfect either. My need to buy enough food for a party so that we can feed a whole town, he used to try to stop me …doesn't anymore…because it's one of those things he can adapt to and he knows I am not doing it to break our pocketbook, I do it because I do.... Stupid quirk.

So if he is picking me up or we are going somewhere, I adjust times and relax. To expect an outcome different than what I KNOW will happen is just setting myself up for disappointment.

Which brings me to my question for you (Cripes long winded enough to ask a damn question)

Look inside a little bit and tell me if this doesn't ring true.

You come down the escalator…wanting him to be there. Needing him to be so overjoyed that you are home and back with him that he is about to burst with happiness.

And he isn't …so that hurt a bit, but then along with that hurt you pull up the pain and fear from him being alone to play golf and poker…..and hang with the guys. Activities that can make us crazy after dday. Add to it that you spent the week dealing with your parents JFO.

Is the hurt and anger really anything about him being late? If so…have at it.

Or are you using the hurt and anger to fuel the feelings you stuffed down to go home on vacation while he was at home doing whatever guys do alone?

I would have previously used the opportunity for a fight (the being late) to open the gates to everything else I had stuffed down. When ultimately if you are mad about him being late be mad about him being late. You cant bash him for being late when every time you hit him with a blow it's got a different reason attached to it…IE…you were home alone…I got stuck with my parents JFO…I was worried while I was gone….

And the biggie

I am still afraid sometimes and I need you to reassure me that you love me and want me more than life itself…..


Do you KWIM?

Ultimately you have to own your feelings. Do you think your husband deserved to be called a low class asshole because he was late? Or did you have feelings you should have talked about but his being late instead gave you the excuse to go off the deep end?

(((hugs))) LA (((LA's son)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This may not seem like a big deal but they cross biundaries all the time and bc my H is so used to it he does not see it. They are notorious for leaving things behind or forgetting to bring what they were supposed to

And he forgets your flight time.

Might just be a FOO passive/agressive conflict avoidance control issue.

But I'm an accountant - not a shrink

I completely empathize with your reaction to this. And you seem to have clearly outlined concrete expectations about it, which for me would multiply the hurt/anger/disappointment.

Now, that said, both H and I have noticed a marked difference in our memories following all the traumas and dramas - we're 7+ years out - but not even 50 yet - so these new and not-impproved memories frustrate us both.

Can he look into why his memory is bad and - and- and - take concrete steps to improve? I am a list and sticky note queen - I have to be.

[This message edited by JustWow at 6:34 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3637 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA44 I am sorry you were disappointed, but I think Karmahappens gave you some excellent advice.

I, too, find myself sometimes disappointed that H doesn't always come thru in the way that I have conjured up in my mind. I have to repeatedly remind myself of the good things that he does do, and even though he may miss the mark at times, the good outweighs the bad. Try to remember that we humans are in no way perfect, and I'm sure that there are many many times that we women miss the mark on meeting their needs every bit as much as they miss the mark with us.

I think we women buy in too much into the Hollywood/romance novel/fairy tale notion of relationships. We all start off believing that we are little princesses, and our prince will arrive on his white horse and voila, our lives will be perfect. Then comes our wedding day, when we wear the white dress, become the princess we dreamed of being, and then guess what? Real life happens, and wow...what a huge disappointment.

Our men are only human. And as I have watched my DS23 grow up, I have adopted so much more compassion for H, as I have learned that he too, was once just a clueless young man, with no more insight into the expectations of women than a grasshopper.

I have seen my son struggle and ask me questions about what women want, and how confused he is on how to handle certain relationship situations. It is really heartbreaking to watch.

Men are a different species, lol. Their brains are just wired differently, and I think we need to cut them way more slack than we do.

I just screamed at my H calling him a low-class asshole.
I understand your disappointment, but this behavior is unacceptable, especially in front of your child.

Remember, people move away from pain, and toward pleasure. Which way do you want your husband to move?


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7113 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the record, I didn't call him a low class asshole in front of my son. I would never do that. We were in a totally diff part of the house

I don't believe in fairy tales either. Not even for my wedding day. I will re-read these and write more later.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another side of the coin. I travel a lot for work. I know what it is like to see everyone being greeted while you scan the crowd.

Never treat someone as a priority that treats you like an option.

I think you have every right to be sad and angry over this. You told him it was important to you and he did not make his ACTIONS reflect what was important to you.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((LA44)))))(((((LA's son)))))

After all of the emotional happenings at your parents house you must be frazzeled!

And sometimes when you let your WH in on how you would like something to be handled it would be great if he could just follow directions!!! Read the damn itinerary, what a concept!!!

I so get that! It is like you do all of this explaining and coaching so your not disappointed. Why cant they follow simple instructions?? Why aren't you worth the trouble to get it right??? Is he even listening to me????

It seems sometimes that I have to become a crazy person to get any results. OH, NOW you can hear me...

And you know what? That makes me very sad.

Not much help, but I wanted you to know that I get it. I do.

Take care sweet LA44.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1141 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read your responses as well as a private msge. Here's what I want to say.

Karmahappens....thank you for posing the questions and sharing your experiences.


Is the hurt and anger really anything about him being late? If so…have at it.

Or are you using the hurt and anger to fuel the feelings you stuffed down to go home on vacation while he was at home doing whatever guys do alone?

We started the vacay together at my parents' house. He left 6 days prior to me. I was not fearful of his behavior at our home alone. He played golf 5/6 days and was with his bf/family every night. He was in touch altho I initiated quite a bit of our convo's.

At the airport, yes. The hurt was legit. While I did not expect to see him beside himself with glee at our presence I wanted to see his beautiful face, his happy smile looking at me and I wanted to see our boys' face (who would be beside themselves) at seeing their Dad. Instead, I stalled coming off the plane (as by then I knew he would not be there) used the washroom and then told them that Dad would not be there when we came down the escalator.

I did not feel special or important enough.

The car ride home I got madder bc the homecoming I thought about did not happen and on top of my disappointment, I knew the boys sensed this. We were all quiet, no one really spoke and they fell asleep.

At home I became enraged. Our house - which we opened up to my SIL/baby and MIL - had been baby-proofed. And while I expect a few odds/ends to be around, I really think that when you open your home to guests they need to leave it as they arrived to it. That was not the case.

I now realize that my "low class" comment was directed towards my in-laws. And that is not even the right word bc they are not low-class....I just think they are careless and take us for granted. When I saw their "welcome home/we love you" notes to my kids, and my H (left on my beside table), I again felt disregarded - not special. This is longstanding w them tho and something I need to address or just leave behind. I could not separate the two last night and my angry feelings towards them were thrown in the pit with the airport anger as my H insisted that he was not late, he just "thought" the arrival time was different then what it was. He also insisted that the place looked great!

My vacay home to my parents' place was unlike any other. It was the first time in 3 years that we did not have a third party in our lives. I saw triggers around me, my niece exploded one night re: A, my BF and her H were not ready to hang out with me and H and my parents, after handling the news of the A very very well began processing it. That's when it got hard and by now H was back at our home, playing in a 4 day tourney and catching up with friends.

Since the A took place primarily where I grew up my parents, Dad esp was having trouble. Not only did he hold my H "way up there", but my H is also their financial investor. He feels betrayed on several levels. Dad has been our biggest cheerleader. Encouraging us to move away, pep talks during down markets and always sure that when he was giving H his car for meetings, it was not to meet up with the head office douche. I know my parents love my H but right now they don't like him.

Finally for painpaingoaway:[quote]Remember, people move away from pain, and toward pleasure. Which way do you want your husband to move?

What does this mean? I am almost 8 months from D-Day. Are you saying I should be a happier wife, providing my H with more pleasure at this time? I will PM you in case you don't see this.

LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 3:17 PM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As much as I am sad for you feeling this way I am happy the feelings were ones You knew were there. ... if that makes sense.

At Eight Months you are doing great LA. YOu always have my respect. I apologize if my qUestions hurt you in any way.

And I completely get the in law crap. They were very insensitive.


Sorry for the random caps. I am tyPing on my phone. ..


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3850 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LA...just some hugs. I would be disappointed too. Yes, we are all human with flaws but an important part of reconciliation is doing what you say you are going to do...with everything...not just A related stuff. In order for me to gain trust I need my wh to follow through on everything he says to the best of his ability. I do realize life gets in the way sometimes...but at least do his best. Plus...this was an opportunity for your wh to show you he missed you and loved you and was glad you were home. While he probably is all these things, it would have been nice for him to show them.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Teach8 and GTH. Hugs needed.

Karmahappens, your questions did not upset me bc I know you are asking me from a good place and I know you want me to get to another place. A better place. I appreciate that.

My H did have flowers from our garden in a vase and the main room was tidy. He was upset that I focused on what he did NOT do vs. what I did do.

I guess it was bc it was the only thing I had asked for.

He read my notes here and we will talk about it later.

Thanks, all.

LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am short on time, so hope this makes sense. My WH is notorious for being late. After Dday it almost put me over the edge a few times. I wish I could remember which book it was that I read (because you know we all read ridiculous amounts), but I'm pretty sure it had to do with passive/aggressive behavior. The crux of the message was that being on time is a way that a person shows he is trustworthy. When someone is consistently late, he is showing that he cannot be trusted in this way.

For years, I felt resentful of the fact not just that he was late, but that he would make me late for things that mattered to me. Somehow being able to approach the issue so that it wasn't framed in him being a disappointment to me (makes him defensive) vs. a disappointment to himself (he is showing people he cannot be relied on to keep his word) helped.

Every time he was late or did something like decide he needed to take a shower 5 minutes before we needed to leave or go for a run 20 minutes before dinnertime, I pointed out that he was making a choice to be late and sending a message. Eventually he got it, and he doesn't do it anymore.

Everyone is different, but I'm glad this is one of those things I decided not to settle for.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 458 | Registered: Dec 2012
Topic Posts: 14

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