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User Topic: Question on forming healthy attachments
Spelljean
♀ Member
Member # 35624
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, WH recently informed me that from day 1, he has been lying to OW. He told her he was divorcing and wasn't even living with me. (truth is we were living a normal married life under the same roof when he started seeing her)

He said he lied to her about anything and everything. His values, beliefs, living arrangements, our relationship, who he was as a person...I mean, personally I can't form any kind of bond or attachment to someone I'm lying to so badly.

I know that its another subjective belief. People can feel attracted to those they aren't being honest to, and feel they are forming an honest close bond to this person, despite the lies.

I would have to ask myself though, what am I basing that attachment on? To me, a deep connection develops from sharing with someone, sharing your thoughts, your beliefs, your dreams, being forthright with who you are, what you want,and what your values are.

If I felt a connection after lying so much to someone, I would have to question my own ability to be truly intimate with people. I wouldn't even recognize my connections are shallow no doubt.

Not trying to discredit their "connection" or anything but honestly the drama is so ridiculous. I mean, WH was telling her they were going to run off, get married, have a kid....and he was living with me! I didn't even know he was seeing someone else.

All old news.

In our case anyway, it really was textbook Fog, Fantasy, and Soulmate connection.

Yuck.


WH: 41
me: BS, 45
Together 18 1/2 years, married 17
DDAY 8/2/12
OW: EA- friend of 4 months
Status: separated

Posts: 903 | Registered: May 2012 | From: California
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like the term delusional.

Sometimes I am delusional myself. But never on that scale.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a really interesting topic for me. WH also admitted he lied about EVERYTHING to OW. I think most affairs are chock full of lies, especially about the state of your marriage and the type of person the BS is, but I mean he lied about EVERYTHING! He's even shocked about the amazing lies he told, things there was no reason to even lie about - his job, his accomplishments, his friendships, you name it, he lied about it. And OW was throwing herself all over him from day 1 so there was really no reason for it. And it does also make me question WH's attachments. Lately the question of "Love" has been talked about a lot. I ask him what he loved about her, or why he thought he loved her, and if he's being honest, the stuff he's telling me isn't my idea of love at all (one of his biggest ideas of this love was her availability and that he felt safe when she was around). It would better be described as dependence, IMO. He uses the word "love" with so many people that the other day I finally asked him to stop using it in association with anyone other than his family.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 341 | Registered: Feb 2013
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have to ask myself though, what am I basing that attachment on? To me, a deep connection develops from sharing with someone, sharing your thoughts, your beliefs, your dreams, being forthright with who you are, what you want,and what your values are.

This, absolutely. WH keeps qualifying his "love" for OW as "different" than his love for me, and basically said what you say above, about how our love is based in reality, in who we are as people. I agree with him on that. But what I don't understand is how he can even entertain the word in terms of his relationship with OW, since if he were to write a 200 word essay on who he is without using his name, OW wouldn't have a clue it was about him - and vice versa, he knew OW for a few months, and likely doesn't have a clue who she is either. He even admits that he got into the relationship thinking she was one person and by the mid-way point realized she was not that person at all, and spent the rest of the time trying to get out of it.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 341 | Registered: Feb 2013
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is called Fog Fantasy Land.

Nothing is based on honesty or truth. It is based on lies and deceit.

It is ego driven so they feel better about themselves and they leave their normal real lives with kids, mortgages and bills to go play love connection.

It is avoidance of real life and looking for a fix to feel better about themselves.

Onward.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1099 | Registered: Apr 2013
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know which is worse? Cheating with the truth or cheating with lies? Mine and OM told each other the truth. Unhappy and married. The only lie was the A being a good choice and thinking it would end well.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1221 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 6

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