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Newest Member: confusedwife32 (44902)

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User Topic: Any advice before I give up?
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here I am again, beating a dead horse. WH seems quite happy to let days and days go by until I once again bring up the subject of his need to look into himself and figure out how we are in this mess.

He doesn't seem to think that it is necessary to analyze the past any more. Maybe he is right. He has answered many many questions about his LTA.

To briefly recap, he was very busy, quite involved with work stresses and feeling a lack of attention from me.

A married employee gave him LOTS of attention. They would talk after hours and go out for drinks. This led to a sexual affair that lasted 15 years.
I had total trust in my H and always believed he was working late when he said he was. I was also totally blind.

Dday was 18 months ago. He is sorry, wants to make things up to me, loves me and wants to earn my trust again. He is kind and loving and patient and is never cold and mean like he was during the affair.

I am still here, wanting to work on us, have given him my forgiveness and have been supportive and understanding. I do however, still need to talk about things. What I really need is for him to talk about the affair. He will when I bring it up but has never offered information.

He says that he thinks about things everyday, but doesn't express this to me. He sometimes sends me a morning email saying he loves me, wants me to feel better, feels so lucky, blah blah blah. But when we have an opportunity to talk, he will avoid it.

I send him emails about how I feel, because he can't stay awake at night to talk. I have sent articles and threads from SI. They are never discussed. There are so many discussions "pending" that I have forgotten.
He is going to have his 3rd IC session tomorrow, and it will be his last.

Four days ago I told him that I couldn't do this anymore, that I need more from him and that I was so unhappy. He was annoyed, said that he didn't have the time to spend researching and reading like I do, and that he is trying his best. I had to say that it wasn't enough for me.

I am fed up, totally disappointed that his energy is not into helping me get through this and I am questioning whether I even feel the same way about him anymore.

My feelings have gone from shock, despair, fear, love, hope, anger, forgiveness, disappointment and now mostly resentment.

If I could leave today, I would, but I have no money of my own, lots of debt, (incurred by him) and an elderly frail mother to look after.

I am trying to detach, but I am miserable. I had such hope for us, but he is lazy and complacent, and I am very,very tired. I have not had one happy day for a long time.

What can I do? Why do I still cry after so long?

[This message edited by FightingBack at 11:36 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 760 | Registered: Feb 2012
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is going to have his 3rd IC session tomorrow, and it will be his last.
Why will this be his last? What is he going to IC for?

Of course you still need a lot more from your WH. It has only been 18 months. It doesn't really sound like he is all in on the reconciliation. Doesn't mean he doesn't want to reconcile, he just doesn't want to do the hard work.

At this point I would recommend you do the 180 and start detaching.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9639 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FB, you've been here a while, yet you make no mention of the 180. Is there a reason? Have you ever tried it? It wasn't/isn't totally applicable in my situation immediately, but after about 6 months of her expressing regrets, but showing little remorse(exactly what you are describing) I began the process. I started working on me. Her life and decisions became her own, and me, mine.

I began the process of getting well. I finally registered here and began posting/venting. It wasn't the goal, but she noticed a difference. She was becoming more and more irrelevant. After 2 months(8 months after D-day) she began reading. NJF was the first book, she became a member and began reading here.

YMMV. Try reimplimenting or beginning the 180.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2803 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Markone
♂ Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with 545. Seems he's got waaayy to comfortable.

15 years? Jeez, you deserve so much better.

When he says he doesn't have the time you to read and research, you might remind him he had the time to lead a double life though. The arrogance. It's about prioties and you're not one of his, unfortunately. He should be doing EVERYTHING he can given the scale of his betrayal.


DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 413 | Registered: Dec 2010
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all.

Sister, his IC session will be his last because H doesn't feel he is getting much feedback from the C. He just listens mostly. I agree that if the sessions are not helping, then lets not spend the $150/hr that we are getting further into debt for.

I have asked him to join SI, and he has, but rarely reads and never posts.

5454, I was of the understanding that the 180 was something to implement in the event of an affair continuing.

I had hoped that we were actively trying to reconcile, but we have stagnated. I have been detaching for the last few days though. It doesn't seem to be bothering him. Maybe he is glad I am "off his case"

Mark,I agree it is arrogance. I feel that he owes me time. Time stolen from me. I have often suggested that he put in the amount of time each week that he gave to MOW. Somehow, he feels that his being here with me and not with her, is good enough.

He keeps saying that "he is trying". I can't see what is "trying" about just being here and being nice. mIsn't that the bare minimum in any relationship?


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 760 | Registered: Feb 2012
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does the 180 mean that if he tries to begin a conversation with me that I should not engage? That if he invites me out to dinner that I should decline? You see I am so starved for intimate discussions that it would be so difficult to say no

Do I sleep away from him? I'm starved for affection too. ,I hate this.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 760 | Registered: Feb 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Basically yes. Find things that interest/benefit you. You deserve so much better out of life and right now, he's not showing much interest in being one of the better things in your life. So create one. If he shows an interest, maybe give him some guide posts, but he has to shoulder the heavy load.

Yes, it's hard, but is it ever worth it.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2803 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
fourever
♀ Member
Member # 30631
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To briefly recap, he was very busy, quite involved with work stresses and feeling a lack of attention from me.

My fwh too ^^

Let me clarify this, just for the record. YOUR lack of attention is his excuse, not his reason. His reason is because he could, because he wanted to, and because he was entitled to do it, at your expense.
Don't mistake that.

Very frankly,
He had 15 years of time to spend with OW. He had better well find some "time", to fix his issues.

I've never done ANYTHING so hard as stay with fwh after his 4 yr lta. If he didn't have "time", as yours has stated, he could go wherever. I did without him emotionally for those years very well, I could easily again.
Oh! I did say that! Saved our marriage. That, and my boots up his ass.


In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.

Always, tell the other BS! Always!

"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!


Posts: 874 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Northeast
Topic Posts: 8

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