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User Topic: WH letters to OW
tryingmybest2011
♀ Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 2.5 years out, and home with my new infant. For some reason, I decided to torture myself with the emails WH sent to LTA OW. She kindly provided these to me when she outed him.

_________


I tried to call but no luck. I'm sorry for the stupid and long message. I don't know how to say this to you so I'm just going to come out and say it the best I can. Ive always wanted to be nothing but honest with you so I must say these things without reserve. I'm not going to make excuses for how things have been between us and how we've got to where we are now. Those things are done and I cant redo them. I regret the way I've been with you but it's too late to change those things. What we have is now. Right now. That's it. I have a lot of unanswered questions I keep asking myself. I keep looking for answers and can't find them. There are things I am certain of though. I love you. I love you with every little ounce of everything in me. I care for you and long for you like no other. I believe in the deepest depths of my heart and soul we belong together forever. These feelings never waiver no is there an ounce of doubt we are best of friends, soulmates, lovers, and one when together. You make me whole OW. You're my other half and without you I'm just a shell of the person I'm suppose to be. Thinking of a life without you makes me feel sick. Like gun in the mouth kinda sick. I'm not saying that to scare you because I would never do that but that's the best way I can describe it. I can only imagine you feel the same way about me. I say that because for you to say we shouldn't be together must be hard for you to say. Like you're scared about your doctors appointment I'm equally scared for you. I'm scared about a lot if things and that's part of the reason we are where we are today. I'm scared to just submit to loving you. I feel I'm not worthy of your love. I'm scared to just up and leave a to be with you because I'm afraid you wouldn't love me once you've spent some time with me. I'm scared if losing you forever. Most of all I'm scared to be myself because for so long I've had to be this other person just to get by. I just want to give up and lay in your arms forever. Your touch is like home to me. So peaceful and carefree. I'm scared I've lost that. If I have it's my own fault. I've put you in a position I should have never done so I cant blame anyone but myself for my doings. I spoke with my father the other day and he was telling me of a guy from his work who I knew that isn't well. He's going to die pretty soon from cancer. My dad mentioned that at least the fella got to travel just after he retired. That's all he had ever wanted to do. It made me think of you and how if been putting you off until the time is right for us to be together. The sad part is I've been to caught up in my own head to realize that the time doesn't magically just show up. I need to make that time happen. What I'm saying OW is that I love you and understand I've put you through a horrible mess of emotions and neglect. You can't help but feel and act the way you do toward me. You are not to blame. I have to make things right between us. Whatever that may be. You spoke of how you always wanted me to leave here on my own accord and not because of you. The truth is you are what pulls me away. It's never been about you versus TMB. For me it's always been about you and DD. Selfish of me I know but it's the truth. I would still like to speak with you I you'd allow. I hate this back and forth email banter. Let me know.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
tryingmybest2011
♀ Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will never resent you for anything ever. The choice for me is trying to find the way to make it all work. Ive realized I will never lose DD. She will always be my daughter. But you I can lose. And I don't want that. If you are sick it is not the time for us to be struggling with this stuff. I agree. I've already made the most of what I have now and it's not enough for me. I need you OW. If you are sick and need the time I will not interfere with your life. I know I can make things worse by not being there and it will add to the resentment you have toward me. I'm tired of talking and begging and having to explain myself. I'm tired of being lonely when I know we are suppose to be together. It makes me feel like a boy when I really need to be a man. I have no right to ask anything of you. I know that but I will ask anyway. If you are sick will you please let me know so I can pray for you and send all my positivity your way (even though I always seem so negative). I love you regardless of whether or not we speak. And can I ask that should you get to a place in your life where you're willing to give me one more chance, will you please give it to me? I will not ever ask for another chance after that. I wont need one.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
tryingmybest2011
♀ Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It was about being there for you forever. In he short term I was hoping to spend my week off in august with you. But I want to be with you forever. And not halfway either. I can't do the long distance thing with you. We deserve to be together always. I just nerd to find the way to do that. Quit job, move, etc


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It must feel horrible to read that, but you know you've got to stop torturing yourself. Find something else to do that will occupy your mind in a healthy way. Being at home with an infant is tough -- get out, see people, do stuff.

(((TMB)))


BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1055 | Registered: Aug 2012
tryingmybest2011
♀ Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It fucking breaks me to read this OW. All week I have only thought of you. And thought of what I need to do to make things right between us. I wanted so badly for us to speak as I think there is a misunderstanding of how things are. I have purposely not bothered you this week because you requested that I do not. I respect your position on the situation and can't argue with things you have stated. You speak the truth on most things that you say but I believe you are wrong on some points. I know Ive exhausted your patience with me but please let us speak at least one last time. I have things I need to say to you. They may be things neither of us want to say or hear but they must be said. You don't need to ever worry about me dating anyone from around there let alone anyone else from around anywhere. I know I have asked and begged of you on many occasions but please can I speak with you?

________________________

At the time these were written, we were planning/on a family vacation. It was near the end of their LTA of over three years. She didn't share her part of the exchange.

He has never spoken to me like that, or with any passion, really.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
tryingmybest2011
♀ Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After this affair ended, he had two more with suboordinates at work.

Oh my God - why am I still here? What have I done?


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((()))))))))))You are in a bad place. And I am sorry . Get up, get out. Go to the zoo. GO to the mall. Move your feet. It helped me to change my location, just for a few hours. Talk to other mothers. copy this letter, Put it at a friends house in an envelope. then delete this. That way you have it, but its out of constant reach.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 891 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((TMB)))

Get out of that house! Go visit friends go do something for you.. Take the baby to a sitter and go shop or pick up a hobby... Stop raeding those letters..Make a pack with yourself that you can not read those letters for x amount of days or months.

also what helped me with EMDR therapy!! It kept it out of my face ...Do you have a counselor that does the EMDR therapy?? If not find one! It was a god send for me.. I am now happy!
Look you didn't do this he did! This is his past not yours!
Has he changed!??? Is he showing you daily he has changed?? Is it he giving you what you need???? That is where you should be looking not those stupid letters. Letters from someone that is a big mess! Know that you deserve a man that is strong enough to own his crap and prove to you he is a better man! That is what you deserve and need. Is he doing that???

Come here talk to us do not read those letters anymore!
Now get out of that house and do something fun today..


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

trying,

I know those emails are like punches to the gut for you. ((trying))

Here's my translation:

OW, I am emotionally 15 years old. To me, love is just a giddy, desperate, romantic-comedy movie feeling.

Please let me keep you as my escape. That way, I'll never have to grow up and you can take care of me and make me feel like a KISA. We can be codependent together--how beautiful.

It won't be deep and meaningful, because I don't know you and I am incapable of an adult relationship, but it will be all dramatic and intense because we're both unhealthy f@ck-ups.

Oh, and now I want you even more because you've rejected me and I feel abandoned and must win you back. It has nothing to do with you, it's all about needy, immature me.

I feel empty inside and I'm longing to fill that emptiness but since I'm incapable of real intimacy, I'll use dysfunctional interactions with you. Why aren't you OK with that? Didn't you hear me say that I'll love you forever, just like all 15 year old boys do when they get hit with their first crush?

I'm begging you to see me so I can manipulate you into distracting me from my soulless, irresponsible, immoral self!


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG! Those are horrible.

Oh my God - why am I still here? What have I done?

I think your last question is the begining of your healing.

(((((tryingmybest2011)))))


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1138 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
doggiemom12
Member
Member # 36041
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sailergirl is right on the money!!!

I found some emails just like this on my late STBX phone - some OW he had been seeing for at least 5 years in his home town. The same immature longing, trying to explain why he was too cheap to divorce me and he always wanted to be with her. And a suicide note to her saying how he know he should have ended up with her

I wish he had gone to her at the beginning and just gotten the divorce when I wanted to.

Please read sailorgirl's translation over and over. It is absolutely right.
I am going to print it out and tape it to my bathroom mirror!!


White bird must fly or she will die . . .

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: in divorce land
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STOP TORTURING YOURSELF!!

I understand the need to look, but what you cannot see is that this is sappy, poorly written, drivel by a man who is pulling out all of the stops ot keep his affair going. He's trying to keep the OW involved without having to leave his marriage. Why? Because he doesn't want to leave his marriage.

It's bullshit. You cannot put stock in what he is saying. It's garbage...


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15318 | Registered: Jun 2006
Reality
♀ Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TMB, I'm so sorry. My stomach is twisted up reading it third hand. I'm so, so, so sorry.

Are you in limbo still? I really hope not. I hope in the intervening time he's done everything he can to make up for the betrayal.

I completely agree with not reading them anymore, especially today. Cuddle your baby. Go somewhere lovely, even if that means somewhere in your house, your yard, a book, a movie with your kids on TV.

He wrote those letters to HIMSELF. She was a convenient projection screen for the "Him Show." It's why he never left you for that "great passionate love." You were real.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everyone else about these letters. I read them and they just sound like the most generic dribble....these are from a married man with a child whose time and energy should have been spent on his family. These are the emails of someone who is sick and broken.

Every time I came on here after DDay people said, focus on that baby. Take care of that baby. Love on that baby.

If you would have packed it up and thrown in the towel, that baby wouldn't be here right now. Count your blessings in that regard. Put the emails away...

I know it's hard to let go of something like those words, but they are empty. Look into your baby's eyes....you will see real love there.


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 352 | Registered: Apr 2013
tryingmybest2011
♀ Member
Member # 32584
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone. I did go out to an appt for DD. She's doing really well. So healthy. I'm so blessed to have her and her buckets o' sweet spit up in my life. She truly is a doll.

Thank you for the translation, sailorgirl. I think that's what I needed to have confirmed - that it's immature drivel, and not some deep love I can never compete with.

I am in limbo, but today...feel more comfortable with divorce. He hasn't really done shit all to work on himself. No poly, no SI, no counselling for him, no discussions - actually says " I don't know what to say" if/when I'm angry or hurt and tell him so. The logistics of divorce is daunting.

Maybe that's why I re-read. To get angry enough to make a decision.

I'm just...ugh. Ugh!

Thank you thank you thank you everyone for responding.


BS: me - 37
WH: him - 37
DD: 8
DD: 11 mos

Married over 9 years, together for 18.

DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).

In limbo.


Posts: 323 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Ontario Canada
Dare2Trust
♀ Member
Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

tryingmybest2011,

I'm just so sorry --
I'm happy for you and your new precious baby.

The facts that your WH had two additional affairs after the OW had the good sense to end the affair with him...and that he refuses to do ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE to help you an the marriage to heal: Speaks Volumes

I hope you can move forward and do what's BEST FOR YOU an your baby.
This man/child is surely a drain on you emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.
Again - I'm so sorry.


Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.


Posts: 6114 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sailorgirl, that was effin' AWESOME and right on the money!

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sailorgirl, that was effin' AWESOME

Awww, thanks, guys. What can I say--I'm bilingual in English and Bullshit.

trying, keep giving your sweet dd's all kinds of special attention, and use the rest of your energy to take care of yourself.

Your WH sounds not just immature, but desperate to the point of unstable:

You make me whole OW. You're my other half and without you I'm just a shell of the person I'm suppose to be. Thinking of a life without you makes me feel sick. Like gun in the mouth kinda sick. I'm not saying that to scare you because I would never do that but that's the best way I can describe it. I can only imagine you feel the same way about me.

Umm, dude, it is true that you are not a whole, healthy person. You are, in fact, an empty shell of the person you could be.
Tell me though, do you think OW has some sort of magic power to turn you into a strong, responsible, fulfilled, worthy man? Like, shazam? That's not love, that's delusional bullshit.

__________________________________

A good book for anyone who gets caught up in the "you complete me" crap is Shel Silverstein's The Missing Piece Meets the Big O. It's a picture book--simple and brilliant.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
nomistakeaboutit
♂ Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I don't get a vote, but if I did I'd vote for divorce. All that bullshit from him and he hasn't done what he needs to do to help you heal and to improve his emotional health......

Obviously you will do (and should do) what you feel is best for you. I say divorce him, but at a minimum lay down the conditions that he must meet. IC, reading on SI, MC, full transparency, whatever. Free yourself up emotionally to be stronger for yourself...and for your child.

Congratulations on your baby! Lots of hard work, but the greatest joy in life awaits you!


Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 941 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Ladyogilvy
♀ Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, you are looking at those letters for a reason. There is something you need that you aren't getting. Something is unresolved. You don't need to rug sweep. You need to figure out what you need.

I know I go digging when I need a reality check. I can only shelve things and enjoy that things are going relatively well for awhile before I need something to keep things in perspective.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 11:53 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1512 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 22
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