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Newest Member: Highlanderlady (45437)

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User Topic: Can't accept
confused52204
♀ Member
Member # 16913
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So my WF and I purchased a home oct 2012. A week later everything fell apart...I found out he was posting ads on CL for 2 yrs to both men and women. Of course he didn't confess and thru my digging I found out a whole story as I know it in mar 2013. Took a poly and passed. My problem is just looking at him in a different light now. I was married previously and have 6 yo daughter. She obviously loves him so much. I'm stuck in limbo...one day it can work and the next it can't. That's how it has been since march. When I think yeah I can do this on my own I don't need anyone to help I have a nervous breakdown thinking about him not being in my or daughters life any more. Then I go to I can make this work. A few hours go by and I look at him and think who is this guy? Why would he do such a creepy act for 2 yrs? Why would he hurt me knowing what me and my daughter have been through.

I have no strength to make a decision either way. This is the man I thought was my soul mate! I'm having a tough time accepting his acts and moving in in any direction!!! And advice.....


Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2007
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no strength to make a decision either way.

You ARE making a decision though. You are choosing to remain with him.

You have posted the same thing over and over again. You know why? Because you want somebody to tell you that he's telling the truth. The thing is, nobody believes he is, so they won't tell you that.

You aren't going to be happy staying with him. Your gut is screaming at you and you can't bury your head in the sand and think it will stop...it won't.

As far as your daughter, she's 6. It's much easier to end things now at the age she is, than to wait until she's older. Plus, there is no way you are keeping this stress and unhappiness from her. She doesn't need to continue growing up in this.


Walk away from anything or anyone who takes away your joy. Life is too short to put up with fools.

Posts: 13818 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
confused52204
♀ Member
Member # 16913
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah I know I post every few weeks w the same question. In hopes that one of these weeks I make a decision....sad I know...

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2007
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how to go back and look at previous posts and such.

But I understand the feeling that you can't wrap your brain around it enough to feel confident in your decision making abilities. Compound that with the fact that you are already questioning your judgement ...well, it gets really hard to get unstuck.

I couldn't get unstuck until I started posting here and going to IC a year after Dday.

Did that last year in limbo ruin my life? NO

Did that last year in limbo retard my happiness? You betcha.

Do I regret it? eh, it was a learning experience.

I DO feel bad at the waste of a years happiness with my son and wonder what I put him through that he won't say.

Am I unstuck totally now with full confidence? Hell no but I'm more focused on ME, what I want.

My IC's best weapon in my anti-decisive mode = "and that is ok with you"? especially when she knew the answer was "no or I wouldn't BE here".

If it is not ok, what are you going to do about it?

Does it have to be done this minute??? no.

Think, reflect, converse with someone wise and/or impartial. It is wonderfully reaffirming.

And not just about infidelity! I really had a miserable professor for a class and felt like I couldn't handle it, thought I was a total wimp, wth is WRONG with me.....

guess what? Nothing. When we talked about it she was like blech and she told me about ratemyprofessors.com and there were TONS of people who felt the same as me on there!

Sometimes just feeling too lonely, having no validation for too long, questioning your SELF instead of trusting and respecting yourself, your gut...its bad. Its a bad habit that is hard to break.

I hope you get things sorted out soon so you can start to work on feeling better.

Hug your DD. She's always had you, make sure she gets the best you and maybe she'll see that is all she needs.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't accept what exactly? What he did? The men? His "excuse?" What are you having trouble with exactly?

Are you trying to decide if you can move forward as things are now..with him telling you it was just some kind of "outlet?"

Or are you trying to decide if you can move forward with a man who is lying to you,possibly himself,and may come home one day and tell you he's leaving you for his boyfriend?

Or are you having trouble accepting his excuse and that is what's holding you back.

You know my opinion. But..how do YOU feel about his excuse? Do YOU believe him? If so..why? If not..why?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...I found out he was posting ads on CL for 2 yrs to both men and women

Is he worthy to be around your daughter? Is he safe to be around your daughter?

Have you been tested for STD's regardless of the polygraph?

The shock of infidelity can cause PTSD. It takes such a heavy toll on the betrayed.

What you're feeling is normal, awful but normal. Sometimes it takes months to begin to process it all.

Do what you need to do to heal yourself. Be kind to you now.

Are you in IC, it helps a lot.

It is your WF's job to fix himself. You can't fix him because you didn't break him. You did nothing wrong.

WHY is the million dollar question. And one only your WF can answer.

It is still very raw and new. You don't have to make a decision to stay or go today.

Your feelings are all over the place because you have been hurt and betrayed. This is completely normal.

Be kind to yourself. Hug your daughter and take one day at a time.

The healing library is a great place to visit as well.

Good luck. We are here.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1214 | Registered: Apr 2013
confused52204
♀ Member
Member # 16913
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't accept that he even did it regardless if his excuses. It happened and it should not have. I'm in IC doesn't seem to do much help as I'm still in the same frame of mind as I was in back in march.

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2007
Topic Posts: 7

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