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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: She was better, they've both told me
KitKat23
♀ New Member
Member # 38679
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

13 years married.
He had a fling with a young non-baby bearing girl. We were separated, so it's not that he had sex with her. It's really that he lied to me about her to have sex with me, and felt bad that he cheated on her. Our sex life has always been horrible. But now it's horrible and complicated.

See. I went against all the advice on here, and I contacted her. She's just delightful, friendly, smart, ect. And while she's not half my age per say, she's a LOT younger. A lot. Neither has been rude. They just answered questions that I foolishly answered. She loved sex with him. And she was the best he'd ever had. Hands down, no questions asked. And visa versa.

So now he's home with me, and sex is so much worse than ever. Not only do I not feel anything, but the whole time I wonder "did she do that?". He's got all these new...things about him sexuality. Only someone who's had the same person for 13 years sees drastic sex changes. so there's the "did he learn that from her" stuff. Which he claims he learned from books (he studied sex and how to please women when he realized he was about to be single). He's told me several times in the heat of the moment that other women actually want to be with him.

He's not a bad guy, I know I'm writing in anger at the moment. I'm just tired of seeing those two in my head enjoying themselves, while I feel nothing. He claims he doesn't think about her while we have sex. He claims he doesn't think about her at all, except when I bring her up. Which feels like every 5 min. I seriously don't care that they HAD sex. I'm just really stuck that she was the best he'd ever had. I'm 3 babies into the game, and am recovering teen rape. I've tried to please him, but I get little out of it, and now he's got a complex because he made her happy ( a lot, many times, over and over and over ) but not me.

I just wish I knew how to get past this. Because we have enough issues, that having broken sex, seems to just be the straw that broke the camels back. We've only been back together a couple months, and the conversation of splitting up has come up more than I care to admit.


Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Va
mepe27
♀ Member
Member # 18158
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's a lot going on here. First, in regards to them having the best sex ever, the way I eventually found peace with that issue is that yes sex is a big part of a relationship but it's not everything. Maybe I'm not doing back bends and have some extra pounds but I'm a good person, I don't try to hurt people, I don't lie, I work hard on our marriage, I'm smart, cute, funny etc etc etc.
I get that you say she's young and nice but she's different than you, she's got flaws i guarantee it, we all do. You have a lot to offer and perhaps your whole package = 100 times better than her young and good sex.

I also think it's important to start working on the sex issues with an ic maybe. I have discovered that men put a huge amount of importance on satisfying a woman, it's almost like even if they do every single thing awesome in the world if their woman doesn't have an orgasm they have failed! I totally don't get it at all but it seems to be common, that being said, you sound like you have issues surrounding sex, not just with your H but in general and my guess is he's internalizing it all and thinking he's a failure and if he was any good he'd fix you. This is all just guessing, if I'm wrong i'm sorry.

But sex is so complicated, I think it's really something we need to work thru with an IC. I wasn't abused but I did have issues with feeling like if someone wanted sex from me they didn't love me they just wanted to use me and that definitely came thru toward my H, I didn't understand any of it and my H felt rejected so many times and I didn't know wth was going on. I had to work with an IC to sort out my stuff so I could then try to sort it out with H.

Personally I would suggest not discussing sex between your H and the girl, if you are feeling like you need reassurace just say to your H, I'm feeling insecure right now, can you hold me?. If you have questions about their sex ask yourself "will knowing the answer to this question help me heal?" if the answer is NO, why ask? So don't set yourself up for hurt.

Your H isn't going to be able to fix this part, just from experience. Start working on healing yourself and get your H to support you in the process, that is really whats going to get you thru this part. Watch your words, say what you mean always, if your sad say you are sad, don't allow it to get twisted to anger or attacking your H, it never gets you the support you ultimately want.


Me BW-39
H WH-41
Married for 10 years
Two boys 6yrs, 3yrs
D-Day 12/1/07
Got whole painful truth 2/2/08
5/15/2008 EA with co-worker, I left
6/1/08 - We are committing to R
"One falsehood destroys a thousand truths"

Posts: 2303 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Georgia
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband had an affair with a 23 year old, he's 40, I am 39. We are only 5 weeks out from DDay, so my emotions are not quite settled :-) From his standpoint, it was fun and he loved to please a women. It is just like the previous poster said about making a women orgasm. Gosh, he's such a jackass.

Anyway, I chose to meet her. My worst fear is that I would like her as a friend and I would get why he was attracted to her. Granted, she's 23, cute, smart, and has not had any kids, but she's not warm, friendly, or a women. I saw a quote once that says "Girls compete, women empower" and that is what I felt like after I met her. I kept it together and treated her as an adult, in turn she's a smug girl who doesn't have any remorse, because it was "great sex". When I told her that I figured it out because my husband renewed his Viagra, she got a little less confident.

She is straight out of the book "Not Just Friends" (read it if you haven't, it will give you some pieces to the puzzle). In short, she discovered that her father had multiple affairs on her mom, therefore has a drive to be competitive with other women. Also, she sees her mom as weak for letting her father do this to her, so she's the OW to be more powerful. She needs to be in therapy.

You may be wondering where I am going with this, but "great sex" could be just a temporary fantasy. It will diminish with time and the more you talk about it, the shroud of secrecy will be removed. He will realize she's not perfect and possibly damaged as well.

My husband the the girl work together, so that is a huge issue for me. Recently my husband told me that she annoyed him and he only feels guilt now when he sees her. I will take guilt over "great sex" anyday! It is hard to be patient, but it will happen.

He's with you because you are the whole package and he realizes it now. As for sex, I second the IC for both of you. In the mean time take time to talk about your physical needs and have him learn about you. We are currently focusing on my needs, after all, shouldn't I be able to have some fun as well?


[This message edited by ILINIA at 1:26 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 492 | Registered: Jul 2013
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Couple of thoughts here from your post....
First he put effort into learning how to please a woman with regards to sex when he was about to be single... to me that feels as though he wasn't willing to put in the effort to improve your sex life when you were together originally... has that changed? Is he willing/ reading things now on how to please you?
This may be TMI--- but it's frequently said of you have trouble enjoying sex it's because you don't know yourself... and I've heard it recommended many times that a woman learn from solo sex- he could observe- how to pleasure herself so that he will know... now this is only based on the sex issues from before...
Now you have extra issues because of those mind movies and such... he needs to be extra understanding and tender and not push sex... there are so many levels of intimacy before and after sex and in other areas of your life.... build those and that trust will be reflected in the bedroom eventually....
The idea of someone being the best ever is garbage... intimacy beyond getting your rocks off is soooo much more important than just sex.... Has he done the things YOU need to feel safe without any sex pressure... snuggling, holding hands, being open and loving and meeting your needs other wise?
It's a steps process and you begin outside the bedroom.... that leads to trust and more inside the bedroom....

Posts: 1184 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
KitKat23
♀ New Member
Member # 38679
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I've learned not to ask questions. At first he lied anyway, then he started telling the truth, and who knows which is better. I guess.

I wonder a lot why he and I are together. I think it's the kids, and his lack of ability to be alone. This cute little thing was only a summer fling. Neither was in it for the long haul. But, she is "perfect." Not only was she amazing in bed, but they cuddled, they talked, they got along great. She's going to college (he's pushed me for years to go to school, but I was raising babies). He was really upset to have to break it off, because he was "afraid she had feelings." I sort of had to laugh that she didn't appear to give a crap at all. But he has called her name while he's sleeping, he was insainly defensive of her for the first month we were together (we've only been back together since March). It hasn't really ended. He and she are done talking, but she still comes up every day. Phrases like "she had a heart of gold" and "we enjoyed eachothers bodies" are killer. She's told me the same.

It's not about an orgasm. I'd settle for just not wanting to cry at the end. I can probably count on one hand how many orgasm's I've had in 13 years with him. But now I just feel nothing. At all. I mean, I know he's there, but ya know. It's just not the same. Something is broken. And I know relationships aren't based on sex. But, my one friend put it well. It's 1% of your life that if it's broken, will affect 99% of your life. That's how I feel right now.


Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Va
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Shocked  Posted: 6:04 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh KitKat

"she had a heart of gold" and "we enjoyed eachothers bodies...and other women actually want to be with him...he calls her name while he's sleeping"

He actually says this to you? Does this? Seriously?

You don't feel anything because you have been crushed, demoralized and mentally abused.

Why would you feel anything if this is what has been projected on to you?

Their "relationship" was based on a lie. No truth. No reality. No responsibility. No kids. No bills. Just fun.

He's not a bad guy

Why is he not a bad guy? A WH that hurts his wife with his actions and words is bad. Maybe not forever bad but the things he has said and done are bad.

IMO, you can't connect physically because you haven't connected mentally.

Are you in IC? Is he? What if young tart comes home? What is stopping him from seeing her again?

I would put more emphasis on IC for you both and figuring out why your husband chose to cheat, why he came back and what the chances are that you can truly reconcile and reconnect on every level.

He should be building you up not breaking you down with his actions and his words.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by 1Faith at 6:05 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1207 | Registered: Apr 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's 1% of your life that if it's broken, will affect 99% of your life. That's how I feel right now.

Oh how true this is

(((KitKat23))) I'm so sorry you had to hear these things no one should have to. These affairs are just so so awful.

I agree with all the posters who suggested IC. That would be really helpful for you and him.

I am now at a point where I do not want to know any more info. My WH is a very sick person who is getting better, but damn it's hard to ever see them the same again.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Tear
♀ New Member
Member # 38746
Helpless  Posted: 1:28 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my husband also came back with new tricks....which is rubbing salt in an open wound.....she is smaller..with big boobs and also no kids-- so good in bed. she made him her top priority- came out once that she could suck him all night...gag me!! the thoughts of them together is something i struggle with also. it has gotten a little better...were seven months from dday . but there are triggers everywhere and just know your not alone.......we all feel ur pain.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Mar 2013
KitKat23
♀ New Member
Member # 38679
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Through all the chaos, we moved twice (once across the country, once 7 hours away). We're settled now, and I have been actively looking for a therapist that specializes in sex issues.

The things he said, were mostly said in the heat of anger, or after I asked questions. He didn't tell me anything at first. And triggers, triggers daily. He has no idea how close to death is flat screen really came.
I honestly believe he really doesn't want to hurt me. He's gotten better about talking, I wonder sometimes if half of why he was such an asshole was because he couldn't deal with the guilt. He didn't really feel like it was cheating, I don't know if I do or not. My issue is just the mind blowing sex. He says I shouldn't compare the two, because it's apples and oranges. She was young and exciting, I'm comfortable I suppose? He could stay up with her all night, over and over. Me, he's out cold in 10 min.

We now live 7 hours from Gold Heart. However, my biggest fear has been since he got accepted, when he goes to college. On the bright side, he's a horrible liar. I can't always pin down WHAT he lied about, but when it comes to the big lies, I can tell. He gets mean and weird.

I really appreciate everyone's feedback. I hate that we are all in this, but it's nice to not be alone.


Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Va
KitKat23
♀ New Member
Member # 38679
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how to quote, but Tear, I hear ya. Kidless makes a huge different :(

Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Va
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He and she are done talking, but she still comes up every day. Phrases like "she had a heart of gold" and "we enjoyed eachothers bodies" are killer.

If he is bringing her up everyday, you are not in R. If you are bringing her up and he still thinks she has a heart of gold after knowingly and intentionally aiding him in destroying you, then he is delusional and you are not in R.

He didn't really feel like it was cheating, I don't know if I do or not.

How could he not feel like it was cheating? He had sex with another woman while married. Was the agreement that the two of you were free to sleep with others during the separation? Are you sure the A didn't actually precede the separation?


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2012
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((kitkat)))

Your not alone, we all suffer this.

I dont think sex in an affair is "better", its just fresh and new. Who wouldnt want that right? Truly, it isnt better.

They're sex would have turned into what most of us in LT relationships have experienced. it takes work to keep it exciting.

Please dont beat your self up over this. Is it possible for you and your h to work together to come up with different sexual experiences that are just betweeen the two of you? Then you would not have to wonder if it had occurred with ow. Just something small to begin with.

Your discomfort will diminish some over time.

hugs


Posts: 617 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
KitKat23
♀ New Member
Member # 38679
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jospehine85, we were technically separated. Not legally, but I had gone to stay with my mom. Far, far away. Like, across the country.

He doesn't bring her up at all. He'd probably prefer to never talk about her again honestly. It's me. It's better than it was. I used to cry all the time, he'd say one little thing and I'd either be screaming or crying. The girl is surprisingly nice, tho she also thinks she did nothing wrong because he was "single" at the time, even if not on paper.


Posts: 6 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Va
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KitKat23,

But when you guys separated, what was the agreement? Were you both operating under the same rules? Did you both agree you were separating because the marriage was over, only to change your minds later?

Or did you separate for some breathing room in an attempt to work on the marriage?

I guess, my point is if you both agreed the relationship was over at the time of separation, then I can see why he does not believe it is an affair. But if the separation was supposed to be an aid to help the marriage, then heck yeah, he had an affair.

Obviously, neither choices make you feel better about it. But it might help put a perspective on what he says.

How long were you separated and how soon did he start dating her after you separated?


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 14

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