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User Topic: Should I involve him in his child's birth?
Ladyogilvy
♀ Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can only imaging what you're going through. My WH really wanted me to get pregnant. He was on a mission to get me pregnant for a year and when I finally did get pregnant, he started treating me badly. So badly, the doctors observing his behavior towards me when I was in hospital with premature contractions got him out of the room and asked if I was being abused. He was emotionally abusive but because he never hit me, I didn't recognize it for what it was. Also, there were the hormones that made me need everything to be okay.

If men are going to be abusive, it's often going to become apparent when their wives are pregnant. There are so many pregnant mothers here at SI. They abuse us when we are at our most vulnerable because they think they can get away with it. Usually they can. I just wanted to tell you how amazing I think you are for having the strength to put an end to a bad relationship at such a vulnerable time for you. You are brave and strong and wise, I think you should do what ever you want to do without worrying about what anyone thinks. It's nice to know the majority here feel strongly that you are making the right decisions even if, in the end, the only person's opinion who matters is you. The baby won't care. Your ex-F doesn't have any right to an opinion.

If you baby's "sperm donor" decides he wants to be a father someday, he will have to earn that right by standing up like a real man and behaving with integrity. It is and will never be your responsibility to try to make it easier for him. I'm not saying you should try to make things hard for him, only that if he really wants to be a father he will just step up and do it. If he comes to his child with sincere intentions and acts like a father should, he will be a father. There isn't much you could do to make it happen or stop it from happening.

You just take care of you and your babies... I know you will. You have already shown, you make good decisions. Have fun with those babies. Spend as much time with them as you can. They grow up so fast. Enjoy the time you have with them. Being a mom is the best thing in the world and only gets better with each year that passes. So, even though you don't want them to change, when they do, you love being with them even more. I've been with mine nearly 24/7 because we homeschooled. They are 15 & 16 now. WH is actually starting to develop a relationship with them now. After a year of sobriety, he finally stepped up, for them and for me, and we are cautious but optimistic that he will continue to do so.

But... If he hadn't, they had one hell of a single mom for most of their lives and that really was enough for them to grow into the amazing young men they are now.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would say, ask but if you dont want him there, asking once should be enough to get the info you need to move forward with your decision. If he waits till the last second then wait as long as you need before letting him in, if you do at all. In the end, as long as you and your children are happy, what do you really have to worry about? Good luck


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So badly, the doctors observing his behavior towards me when I was in hospital with premature contractions got him out of the room and asked if I was being abused. He was emotionally abusive but because he never hit me, I didn't recognize it for what it was. Also, there were the hormones that made me need everything to be okay.
If men are going to be abusive, it's often going to become apparent when their wives are pregnant. There are so many pregnant mothers here at SI. They abuse us when we are at our most vulnerable because they think they can get away with it. Usually they can

Such wisdom in this entire post! I wanted to quote this particular part, though, because my experience echoes this. While STBX was abusive before I got pregnant, when I did become pregnant he amped up the abuse to orbital levels. He would yell at me so often, so loudly, that I could feel the baby jump inside my womb.

After the birth he abandoned me at the hospital. I had no friends by that time, and no family in town. I was completely alone. The doctors & nurses were so concerned that they assigned a social worker to me.

He only got meaner once Baby was home. Things only got worse, not better. I would have thought the sight of a beautiful baby would turn his heart and finally, finally! he'd be the Good Man I just knew in my heart he could be. No, it didn't work out that way. He just got meaner & more abusive. Imagine nursing your baby and having your husband stomp up to you and actually grab the nursing-still-latched-on-baby out of your arms and rip that baby off your breast, wrenching your nipple so badly you bleed.

And it only got worse after that.

Why tell you this horrible stuff? Because I want you to know that things can get very bad with an abusive man (who doesn't want to be a father in the first place)and a newborn. VERY.BAD.

Scary bad.

Imagine a father who puts his baby in the baby seat on top of the stove. BTDT

Imagine a father who lets the baby fall from the kitchen counter on to her head. BTDT

Imagine a father who thinks he should curse in the most vile manner in front of the baby so that the baby will learn to be tough & not take shit from anyone. BTDT

Imagine a father who, when the church ladies bring a meal by for you because you just gave birth and they know you are all alone & hungry, only he eats the damn food rather than give it to you. BTDT

You do not need a "man" like this involved in your life or the life of your babies. You really don't.

Don't do this to yourself. He doesn't want to be a father. He's made that clear. So grant him that wish. It's the best thing.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9819 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
BrighterFuture
♀ Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you ladies. I've taken the advise and will follow through with it.
Ladyogilvy: Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.
Nature_Girl: What a nightmare. In my situation, he was really a good father to our son when he was around. I just don't get the sudden turn of events in which he seems not interested in seeing him. I'm shocked!

This is my plan:
Try to surround myself with friends and family during delivery. Currently working on my mom getting a visa to come be with me during the delivery.
My close friend in Tennessee said she will come, I hope she does.
Also trying to make friends in the area. Hopefully I can set something up and have my son taken care of while I go to the hospital.
I will inform him when labor starts and when I'll be going to the hospital. What he does from that point forward will be left up to him. I will not make suggestions or ask him to do anything. I will simply inform him.

Thanks again for all the suggestions and encouragement. I'm in school, pregnant and alone with no family so this has been a very difficult time but I will make it.

[This message edited by VeryHurtbroken at 1:12 AM, July 24th (Wednesday)]


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 349 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Wink  Posted: 10:38 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Very

What do you mean I have my focus twisted?

My sincere apologies, I didn't mean that in a mean way and I apologize for not clarifying.

You are doing a hellava job. More than most people could do. I am proud and inspired by you.

I meant twisted in the fact of being concerned about your ex. That is all. I don't want you to waste your precious time or energy on him or what he may/may not do because you can't control him.

Again, my apologies. Didn't mean it to be conveyed in the manner you took it.

Stay strong and wishing you much peace and strength.

Best of luck with the remainder of your pregnancy.

(((many hugs and prayers)))


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1183 | Registered: Apr 2013
Topic Posts: 25
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