I think it's terrific that you are speaking your fears -there IS strength in that.
If your H is owning his actions then proceed. No one says you have to proceed full speed ahead - just proceed. And remember, R is not linear. Do the best you can every day.
[This message edited by LA44 at 9:56 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]
If he's in IC or MC or both, reading, talking, being remorseful then you are going to get a better version of what you had before.
At least this is what I am thinking about my H.
I really wish there was a simple solution to this. I think the living in limbo was making it worse for me, it was making this "see-sawing" more pronounced. I have finally made the firm decision that divorce is no longer an option for me. I am a big advocate of the "wait and see" approach, but I realised that for me personally the time had come to make a firm decision. So, I am hoping that that helps a little. The other thing that dawned on me the other day is that fWH has to prove to me by his actions that he DESERVES R - if, when the self-loathing starts, I can say to myself "but look, he DESERVES my affection, he is doing everything he can to help me through this, he is deeply remorseful, he is working on his issues etc" then it makes it WAY easier for me to justify being vulnerable around him.
It's a really difficult part of this process though, one I have had HUGE problems with.
Don't have to become vulnerable to our spouses again...that is for each of us to decide....but to become vulnerable to another person again if we want to feel true intimacy, true connection to another person.
Right now I want that connection to be with my wife. Right now it appears she wants that with me too. But if either of those two facts changes in the future I want to be at a healthy spot that allows me to take this chance again.
One of my goals of this journey is to NOT become one of the divorced people I know whose experience has them so hardened that they never want to be vulnerable to another person again. This stance affects ALL of their relationships. I have two beautiful young daughters. I want a deep connection with them....a hardened heart would not allow that to happen. I am not saying jaded people don't love their kids. What I feel is that if you allow your heart to be hardened off in an attempt to protect yourself...make yourself less vulnerable...you CAN accomplish this but by doing so it has the adverse affect of keeping other, less dangerous people out too.
I see this dynamic at play within my own nuclear family.
I use it to motivate me to push into uncomfortable territory with my wife.
This does suck though...I am not nearly as Zen as some believe.
The other day I bought flowers for my wife...something I enjoyed doing pre-A, it was a thoughtful gesture but not a long process...I just did it. This time I wrestled with it waaayyyy too much. Obsessively so. Wondering if it was the right thing to do....am I manipulating her to love me? am I rewarding her for NOT hurting me for the past 2 months? we spend lots of money on counseling can we really afford this? what color flowers express the most honest feeling I am feeling? Love is an action...feelings aren't at play here, right? and so on.....
I ended that whole mind discussion with a simple statement....
Just buy the dang flowers and be done with it!
Why so much thought? I never did this before...buying flowers for my wife was not a thoughtless act, it was a thoughtful action pre-A. but it has crossed over into obsessive thought now. Why?!?!
Because I was trying to protect myself.
This is what is different now. The need to protect myself from my wife. A dreadful spot to find myself...but a workable spot.
Perhaps this is why much emphasis is placed on the WS role as the BS heals from the betrayal...because the WS does not wrestle with this high level of vulnerability regarding their relationship with the BS? They might wrestle with embarrassment, might wrestle with if they love the BS or not or if they want to even try to love the BS again, but at the end of the day the WS simply were not hurt by the BS at anywhere near the level they inflicted pain and suffering on the BS. The BS has not proven to be a real threat to the WS. WS might not have been overly comfortable with some of the actions of the BS, but the BS never broke their vows or abandoned their WS...so that sense of danger never materialize in them, they never look at a BS and see an enemy?
That last paragraph is up for debate. I am curious about its validity. I have continued to ask my wife if she ever hated me, ever saw me as a threat to her, ever saw me as an enemy, resented me at a large level....each time her answer is no.
God be with us all.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:28 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]
This is where I went with your IC's comment.
He broke my heart, once, and then stomped on it during false R.
IMO your IC is a fast-tracker.You are just four months out from your second dday. After a 9 week false R.
Vulnerable...one day, today? I wouldn't think so.
You are just walking a tight rope right now. Anything your H does can easily shake you off of it and just walking it is enough. IMO
Being vulnerable includes trusting the person you are with. Your husband hasn't earned that trust yet and I believe being guarded with your feelings and your thoughts is ok.
There is a difference between being vulnerable and discussing how he made you feel during the A/false R. He knows he gutted you, it's a given. You have probably been on the bathroom floor vomiting more than once. So ok, you talk about that. You get your anger and sadness out.
But to allow yourself to trust him enough to carry your heart again....THAT takes a lot of time.
You have given him the gift of attempting R, that's vulnerable enough in this moment. You carry your own heart until he has proven he is worthy.
(((Naive wife))) the part about your WS breaking your heart via his choice to commit adultery and then your WS stomping on it during false R is an accurate statement and speaks to what karmahappens says is a prudent action on our part.
This entire journey is so NOT unique....
I, too, struggle with it when I need WH to comfort me in a way; i suppose this has been a struggle for me all along. I asked him last night how he could be so good, and yet have done something so bad. Philosophically, I know we are all human, and falliable. I try to treat him the way I'd want to be treated if the situation were reversed.
I am careful not to punish him or be punitive, because I don't think those things are helpful and can undermine the healing process. But, I haven't had a false R to deal with, which i think would be devastating.
[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:37 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/then PA
In MC & Reconciling
I edit, therefore I am.
I am thinking I just need to concentrate more on me.
You cannot (again just MO) start to heal a marriage with broken people. You just can't.
I believe IC is most important initially, heal the pieces before mending the whole...
[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:47 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]