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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Allowing my vulnerability to show.
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC/MC has been talking about how I need to allow myself to expose my vulnerability to WH, and allow him to comfort me. I am having such a hard time with this. Lately I've been getting better and better at crying on WH's shoulder, asking to be held, and vocalizing my fears. I've also found myself more than once essentially begging him to please never cheat on me again. In the moment, it feels sort of good or cathartic, but afterwards I feel this self-loathing and question if I should allow myself to be this way. It makes me feel so incredibly weak and dependent at a time when I feel like I need to be more strong and independent than ever. He broke my heart, once, and then stomped on it during false R. He is (apparently) doing everything right now, and seems fully remorseful, and overall I think we're doing fairly well considering the pit of despair we are in. But I feel like I'm defying my instincts by being this way.
Is this something everyone struggles with? I guess if WH is doing the work, owning his shit, and remorseful, I should proceed full speed ahead but I can't quite get my foot off the brake I guess.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 341 | Registered: Feb 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is hard for me to show this side too naivewife. It probably feels weird bc a) you are doing something new by showing this part of you and b) you have been betrayed and are questioning EVERYTHING so your gut is saying, "wait a minute...is this okay?"

I think it's terrific that you are speaking your fears -there IS strength in that.

If your H is owning his actions then proceed. No one says you have to proceed full speed ahead - just proceed. And remember, R is not linear. Do the best you can every day.

LA

[This message edited by LA44 at 9:56 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
naivewife
♀ Member
Member # 38375
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks LA. "Non-linear" - you're so right.
When I am crying and talking about my fears and asking him to hold me, for a few moments I am back with my pre-A husband, the one I felt totally loved by and trusted with my life. And then afterwards I think, Oh right, he's the one that didn't/doesn't give a shit, and then I hate myself.
Perhaps that's not fair or accurate or whatever, but it's the way my brain seems to function now.


D-day #1 - 1/23/13
false R, then...
D-day #2 - 3/26/13
I will come for the benefit of the sick, remaining free of all intentional injustice, of all mischief and in particular of sexual relations with both female and male persons. - Hippocratic Oath

Posts: 341 | Registered: Feb 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's true...it is very difficult to be comforted by the person who hurt us the most..but remember...your pre-A H was not who you thought he was.

If he's in IC or MC or both, reading, talking, being remorseful then you are going to get a better version of what you had before.

At least this is what I am thinking about my H.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2109 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice but wanted to say you are not alone. I literally just came in from crying outside, alone. I asked him not to follow me. I am having major ear surgery Monday and he is not taking me (MY choice). Sometimes he gets that part of me but surely nowhere near all of it.
((((HUGS)))


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 754 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I battle with the EXACT same thing. I find it incredibly hard to be vulnerable, when I AM being vulnerable it feels really good (eg when he is holding me when I am upset, when he hugs me to show me support etc, it feels GOOD) but then afterwards, when I have time to "process" it, I think "WHAT on earth was I thinking, how could I have cuddled up/kissed/hugged/said "I love you" to the very person who betrayed me, made me so sad I want to die etc etc ?" Then the self-loathing starts.... it is BRUTAL!

I really wish there was a simple solution to this. I think the living in limbo was making it worse for me, it was making this "see-sawing" more pronounced. I have finally made the firm decision that divorce is no longer an option for me. I am a big advocate of the "wait and see" approach, but I realised that for me personally the time had come to make a firm decision. So, I am hoping that that helps a little. The other thing that dawned on me the other day is that fWH has to prove to me by his actions that he DESERVES R - if, when the self-loathing starts, I can say to myself "but look, he DESERVES my affection, he is doing everything he can to help me through this, he is deeply remorseful, he is working on his issues etc" then it makes it WAY easier for me to justify being vulnerable around him.

It's a really difficult part of this process though, one I have had HUGE problems with.

{hugs}


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 908 | Registered: Oct 2012
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:07 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep..totally get this. Our spouses have done, according to much reading and counseling, one of the cruelest things one person can do to another and to grow through this we have to become vulnerable to this again.

Don't have to become vulnerable to our spouses again...that is for each of us to decide....but to become vulnerable to another person again if we want to feel true intimacy, true connection to another person.

Right now I want that connection to be with my wife. Right now it appears she wants that with me too. But if either of those two facts changes in the future I want to be at a healthy spot that allows me to take this chance again.

One of my goals of this journey is to NOT become one of the divorced people I know whose experience has them so hardened that they never want to be vulnerable to another person again. This stance affects ALL of their relationships. I have two beautiful young daughters. I want a deep connection with them....a hardened heart would not allow that to happen. I am not saying jaded people don't love their kids. What I feel is that if you allow your heart to be hardened off in an attempt to protect yourself...make yourself less vulnerable...you CAN accomplish this but by doing so it has the adverse affect of keeping other, less dangerous people out too.

I see this dynamic at play within my own nuclear family.

I use it to motivate me to push into uncomfortable territory with my wife.

This does suck though...I am not nearly as Zen as some believe.

The other day I bought flowers for my wife...something I enjoyed doing pre-A, it was a thoughtful gesture but not a long process...I just did it. This time I wrestled with it waaayyyy too much. Obsessively so. Wondering if it was the right thing to do....am I manipulating her to love me? am I rewarding her for NOT hurting me for the past 2 months? we spend lots of money on counseling can we really afford this? what color flowers express the most honest feeling I am feeling? Love is an action...feelings aren't at play here, right? and so on.....

I ended that whole mind discussion with a simple statement....

Just buy the dang flowers and be done with it!

Why so much thought? I never did this before...buying flowers for my wife was not a thoughtless act, it was a thoughtful action pre-A. but it has crossed over into obsessive thought now. Why?!?!

Because I was trying to protect myself.

This is what is different now. The need to protect myself from my wife. A dreadful spot to find myself...but a workable spot.

Perhaps this is why much emphasis is placed on the WS role as the BS heals from the betrayal...because the WS does not wrestle with this high level of vulnerability regarding their relationship with the BS? They might wrestle with embarrassment, might wrestle with if they love the BS or not or if they want to even try to love the BS again, but at the end of the day the WS simply were not hurt by the BS at anywhere near the level they inflicted pain and suffering on the BS. The BS has not proven to be a real threat to the WS. WS might not have been overly comfortable with some of the actions of the BS, but the BS never broke their vows or abandoned their WS...so that sense of danger never materialize in them, they never look at a BS and see an enemy?

That last paragraph is up for debate. I am curious about its validity. I have continued to ask my wife if she ever hated me, ever saw me as a threat to her, ever saw me as an enemy, resented me at a large level....each time her answer is no.


God be with us all.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:28 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:53 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Naive

This is where I went with your IC's comment.

He broke my heart, once, and then stomped on it during false R.

IMO your IC is a fast-tracker.You are just four months out from your second dday. After a 9 week false R.

Vulnerable...one day, today? I wouldn't think so.

You are just walking a tight rope right now. Anything your H does can easily shake you off of it and just walking it is enough. IMO

Being vulnerable includes trusting the person you are with. Your husband hasn't earned that trust yet and I believe being guarded with your feelings and your thoughts is ok.

There is a difference between being vulnerable and discussing how he made you feel during the A/false R. He knows he gutted you, it's a given. You have probably been on the bathroom floor vomiting more than once. So ok, you talk about that. You get your anger and sadness out.

But to allow yourself to trust him enough to carry your heart again....THAT takes a lot of time.

You have given him the gift of attempting R, that's vulnerable enough in this moment. You carry your own heart until he has proven he is worthy.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3773 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Karmahappens))). Well posted...the carrying your own heart until the WS proves they are worthy of handling it again resonates with me.

(((Naive wife))) the part about your WS breaking your heart via his choice to commit adultery and then your WS stomping on it during false R is an accurate statement and speaks to what karmahappens says is a prudent action on our part.

This entire journey is so NOT unique....

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
spinning73
♀ New Member
Member # 39675
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely relate to these feelings. How is the one who hurt us supposed to help us heal? And why do I NEED him to do so? I would never say I have had great self esteem, and post DD it is definitely in the gutter. WH is doing what he is supposed to do, but how do I get past the "waiting for the rug to get pulled out from under me" feeling?
I am thinking I just need to concentrate more on me. Exercising regularly, maybe starting IC (in addition to MC), considering taking classes at local college. But how do I devote enough time to recovering the M AND have time to better me. (with full time job and 3 kids!)
Sorry, no answers, just more questions


me-BS 40
WH-40
Together 23 years, married 17 years
DDs-11 and 8, DS 7
4 month EA/PA ended by WH 2 months before
DD-4/14/13
Hoping this recovery is real...

Posts: 42 | Registered: Jun 2013
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we have to do the healthiest thing we can at the time, and let go of outcomes. We aren't ever going to be able to control someone else, but we can control how we respond to things. Acting in a loving way can make us stronger and better people, and we can use this in this relationship, or in the next one if this one doesn't work out.

I, too, struggle with it when I need WH to comfort me in a way; i suppose this has been a struggle for me all along. I asked him last night how he could be so good, and yet have done something so bad. Philosophically, I know we are all human, and falliable. I try to treat him the way I'd want to be treated if the situation were reversed.

I am careful not to punish him or be punitive, because I don't think those things are helpful and can undermine the healing process. But, I haven't had a false R to deal with, which i think would be devastating.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 7:37 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1746 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am thinking I just need to concentrate more on me.

Bingo...

You cannot (again just MO) start to heal a marriage with broken people. You just can't.

I believe IC is most important initially, heal the pieces before mending the whole...

[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:47 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3773 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Emotionalhell
♀ Member
Member # 39902
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have much difficulty showing my vulnerability. I feel weak showing that side of myself... I think it is different for everyone & of corse the personality of the WS.My Wfiancé doesn't deal with any type of confutation. Do what you are comfortable with.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jul 2013
Shattered-Heart
♀ Member
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No answers, just wanted to say I'm also struggling with it. What Karma said about carrying your own heart until he's proven himself worthy is about where I think I am. I'll hold it myself, for now, thank you very much, and I'm a LOT longer out than you. It's not a set timeline and depends on so many circumstances...
Reminds me of a Jewel quote, '(your hands are in my hair) but my heart is in your teeth' I'm not ready to hand it over and place it in the razor sharp teeth again. Trust issues.


Me BW
Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 180 | Registered: May 2011
Topic Posts: 14

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