It may have happened 20 years ago, but your just finding out now. Of course it hurts. I think the fact that it was hidden for so many years would bother me too. No one likes to be lied to and you were.

If your wife is willing and offering mc, i would take her up on it.

While its a hurtful thing to learn, it was a long time ago and you state things have been well between the two of you. Take her up on the polygraph too if she is offering.

She seems genuinely eager and willing to help you heal. Those actions speak volumes for your wife. You are a fortunate man.

Its a difficult time now in your marriage, but fortunately for you, with some proper healing, you and wife should be able to move forward together with a stronger bond.

I think it may do well for you to consider the fact that her lying was based in her feeling shamed for the choice she made and not wanting to hurt you.

I'm not excusing her lie, just stating its understandable why she chose to do so. She was truly young when she made this mistake and i imagine as life went on and became more involved, it became more and more difficult to tell you.

I would do my best to forgive and move on.

Something very similar happened to me as well. I suffered greatly upon her disclosure although IT happened many years prior - anti depr meds, a shrink, etc. I feel your pain.

Here's the advice I was given and followed; you need to consider IT as a young learning experience for her ... college is all about that. The fact is she chose YOU over him and everyone else - she believes in YOU - she needs YOU.

To pick at that scab, which it is, will only serve to hurt you both. When images of that time long ago surfaces you can push it away - tell it to fuck off - tell it that it is irrelevant - tell it that it has no power over you anymore.

If she is a good wife and a good mother then all is good now. You gotta bury that episode of her life b/c why try to create meaning of something that is meaningless?

I got past it, you can too - I promise.

I also disagree with Deanna - if you read SI you will see that most consider all the years that you don’t disclose an affair as part of the affair or at least tainted. It is unfair for the BS.

There is a lot of minimizing going on in this thread. I did a lot of stupid things when I was young but I never did anything against my core values. And fidelity is one of them.

This subject is particularly close to home to me since it’s been so many years for me. For instance, I can see now that my FWW wants to stay with me. I’m successful, a good father and provider. At the time I was in grad school and she betrayed me with someone older and in a better position in life. This bothered me for years and it is still in the back of my mind. What will happen if I have an accident or something that makes me less able to provide? How many BHs show up here in SI that had life altering circumstances and the wife quickly jumped ship? Will my FWW stay by my side if that happens to me? I don’t know, I hope so.

In short, it doesn’t matter it was 20 years ago. You just learned it now. And you have to process it like any other A here in SI. Good luck for you both, at least I have a lot of hope for your relationship based on what you told us.