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Newest Member: darkchyld (45368)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dating a non-parent type?
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like you, and your sweet kids, deserve better. There's nothing wrong with this woman not being maternal (and major kudos to her for being so open and self-aware) but don't you owe it to yourself AND your kids to wait for someone more compatible?

My new husband was a 35 yr old bachelor, never married, no kids, when we got together. I made it clear that 1. I was not having more children and 2. I only would entertain a future with someone who loved my kids as their own. If that wasn't for him, I understood.

We are very happily married and he is an amazing, devoted (step)father to my 3 kids who soak up his love after their father left. In his own words, they are not "my" kids, they're "ours".

Wait for someone that wants you AND your kids.

Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Jun 2010
♀ Member
Member # 28127
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Listen to your gut (and everyone here). Time to walk away. You are not in the same place and situation in your lives.

I'm 35 with two four yr olds. My children already have a man in their life (their father) who is absent and pretty much never wanted them from the get-go. That is not what I want in a partner. I want someone who wants to be in my life and in my children's. I too want a person who is involved in our family life.

You can't make someone care about kids or love your kids. This woman has already told you how she feels. Resentment will build on both sides if you are forced to abide by her wish to stay distant, and she'll have resentment if she feels you pushing.

I think there are better matches for you out there. Definitely don't introduce your children to her.

[This message edited by GrievingMommy at 9:38 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Me - Now 36 y/o
WXH: Now 45 y/o and 18+ hrs away -NPD asshole now onto wife #3.
My sweeties: 5 yr old B/G twins. 90% custody (or more) since 14 months old.
D-Day 4/4/10 PA('s?) & EA's - D'd 7/11

Posts: 1691 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Upper Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said her XBF had kids. Why did that relationship end?

BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have two young adult kids and I adore children. That being said, I would not be ready to meet anyone's kids after 6-7 dates. Too risky for the kids under the best of circumstances.

And, she's been very honest - listen to what she's said, and definitely trust your gut.

Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling

Posts: 4614 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 11:50 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't introduce her. This might be conservative but I am planning on waiting 6 months to a year before introducing someone to my child. I think if they are the one they will respect my timeline. Depending on the age stability is important. People change look at our ex's she might change but I wouldn't count on it. Therefore if you are enjoying her company you can see how things are or if you don't have the time or emotional energy to wait it out which I can understand then I would let her go. Good luck!

Posts: 1009 | Registered: Jul 2012
♀ Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I disagree that 6 or 7 dates is too soon to introduce kids. However,in your case it's not about the number of dates but about how she told you she feels about not wanting children.

It is really tough to be a step parent. I have considered ending my relationship with him b/c of his kids

^^^Me, too! Waiting TOO long to introduce kids is dicey. You are living parallel lives while dating, not fully knowing the other person's true lifestyle if you aren't around the children.

I think it's individual as to when children should be introduced. You know what is best for the kids,if they'll get attached too quickly to someone who will leave or if it's the right time and you'll bond as a group and this is going to last a long time.

I think you already have your answer in this relationship though. Find a woman who will embrace your true life,not the fantasy one she probably built up in her mind. My BFF is divorced because her childless, bachelor husband did that. Reality didn't match his fantasy.

[This message edited by I.will.survive at 6:02 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
♂ Member
Member # 35258
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Traildad, you need to find a woman out there who loves kids and would welcome yours into her life. I'm sure there are women like me in your area, women who love kids and thinks the more the merrier, women who would love to pile together at the end of the day with your kids and her, happy & tired & loving life. Your kids deserve a female role model, possibly even a stepmother, who would love them like her own.

^^^^Thank you, this summarizes my thoughts and hopes perfectly.

Thanks all. She ended up emailing me last night saying that she felt I wasn't giving her enough attention, that when I was with my kids it's as if she wasn't a priority. She said I didn't call enough, etc. I have since ended the relationship.

As many have stated here, I feel like someone who already has kids would "get" my situation better and might be a better fit. Moving onward.

Me BH - 33
3 beautiful young children
DDay 12/13/11

Posts: 650 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Michigan
Topic Posts: 27
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