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User Topic: The Fog
WeepingWillow1
♀ New Member
Member # 39866
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I first learned about my H's A, I was extremely curious about "The Fog" and analyzing whether or not his relationship fell in that category. Well, she's an 18 year old stripper so...yeah, he was delusional. She has a new bf (just like I told him would happen) and it has really opened his eyes to the kind of person she is. He started coming out of the fog about a month ago. I could see that he was annoyed with his decisions and with her in general. She was continuing to contact him and at first he was torn, but then I noticed a slight shift. My question is this....what sort of things brings a person out of a fog the fastest? I don't want her breaking up with her boyfriend, and deciding she wants my husband back. I feel it's now or never that he gets the point that "relationship" was fantasy world, and I will not stick around if he goes in that direction ever again.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The quickest way to break them out of their fog..and the best way for you to handle a WH who is still hung up on their AP?

File for divorce.

That shows him you refuse to share your husband. And it pushes him off the fence..either he pulls his head out of his selfish ass(aka The Fog)..and work to R with you..or he leaves.

It also shows him you refuse to let him eat cake.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
WeepingWillow1
♀ New Member
Member # 39866
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused615- I figured that would be the answer. I think I'm most sad for my daughter right now. This is not the life I pictured for her or for myself. I feel like my feet are cemented to the floor, and even if I could run I don't even have the energy to do so.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to make any decisions right now. Just *be.* But,until you do decide,please take care of yourself. Don't have sex with him until he gets a complete panel of STD tests. Make sure to take time for yourself. Eat,drink,try to sleep. If he's being an ass,move him out of your bedroom into another room. The most important thing is that you take care of yourself and your little girl. Have you read the 180?


((((WeepingWillow))))

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:28 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
WeepingWillow1
♀ New Member
Member # 39866
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have. I actually implemented the 180, when I first discovered the A. I have since let go a little (just a little), and let him in a little more. STD tests have been completed. The OW lives literally 3 minutes from our house. I love our home, but I have to drive by her place every day on my way to work. It's just a constant reminder of what happened. Awful. If we move, which we have considered, then I feel like she wins. I feel like she ran me out of my safe place. I hate her so much. I like your advice to "be". That I can do. Thank you!

[This message edited by WeepingWillow1 at 10:50 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
WeepingWillow1
♀ New Member
Member # 39866
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

....and if I'm driving by her place every day, guess who else is? H. Talk about temptation. Although, I find nothing tempting about her. She's a manipulative, terrible person. Sometimes, on my REALLY down days, I feel as though he deserves her.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As he is now..you're probably right..they deserve each other.

But if he can wake up and realize what a dumbass he's been...maybe one day he will deserve you.

I would recommend moving. I understand that doing so will feel like she's won..but who really cares what some little stripper whore thinks? Not you..right? Because you are a million times better than she is. I would move,if it were me. Even if she moves,her apartment will always be "her apartment" to you. It will always hurt. Moving will give you a new safe place..one that isn't infested with the stench of whore in the air.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7743 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi WeepingWillow1,

I think I may have misunderstood your last post. Do you know that your H is driving by her house everyday? This is a huge red flag.

HUgs


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading about affairs really helped my husband see how what he had wasn't "special" and was really just like the affairs everyone else had. Also, counseling would help. I disagree with filing for divorce just to shake someone up.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
WeepingWillow1
♀ New Member
Member # 39866
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have no other way to get to town, Jose, than by driving by her place. I think that moving is my best option. She knows where we live too. It consumes me. I know that he knows that choosing her would be a horrible mistake, but the way she made him feel trumped that for so long. Her needs came before mine and our daughter's for what felt like an eternity... and she has a lot of needs. She's a fucking mess from the word go, and he felt like he was her knight and shining armor. Disgusting. We had it all and he threw it away.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
WeepingWillow1
♀ New Member
Member # 39866
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The Fog is so real. It's like my H transformed into someone else, over night. We are in counseling. It has been helpful. I like her a lot.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Frustrated  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm most sad for my daughter right now. This is not the life I pictured for her or for myself

Totally understand this sentiment but it is the life your WH gave you both. It's real, it happened and it stinks.

Agree with the others, the quickest way out of the fog is file for divorce. I had general papers drawn - 10 days post DDay.

I said if that is what you want then you can have it but neither I or your children (we have 3) will succumb to the filth and the lies you have brought into our lives and our home. I turned around and walked out.

He was calling me crying within 2 minutes. Apologizing, begging for forgiveness, etc. Reality is a bitch.

Don't be an option. Make him choose. It's better to know and build a life built on truth vs. wondering and waiting.

Stripper...ewwh...
Please tell me you have been tested for STD's.

It's not easy but you will feel as if you have the power back and you will feel proud you took a stand for you and your daughter.

Good luck.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1214 | Registered: Apr 2013
Bobbi_sue
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Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe in "the fog." I do, however, believe sometimes they change their minds with time and seeing more of the AP in action, just like could happen with any relationship, and then they wonder at some point, "What did I see in that person?" I look back at many of my teenaged bfs and think wow, I'm sure glad I did not end up with him! But I don't think it was the fog. It was just what I thought of someone in a given time in my life, but I changed my mind about what is important in a man later in life.

I think all people sometimes twist reality to their own liking to justify something in their lives that may not have anything to do with cheating, and later wonder WTF was I thinking? To me, fog is not some unique thing that a WS is "in" while cheating or pining away and missing their AP.

With that said, I agree with this:

File for divorce.
While I won't say it will get them "out of the fog" I will say it will make them step up to the plate in a hurry if they are hoping you will be waiting around in the background when things go wrong with the OP. Sometimes I think they sense that things are really going nowhere with that person but they will choose to "eat cake" as long as they have two people indicating they will be waiting in the wings when and if he dumps the other.

Posts: 5764 | Registered: Apr 2006
WeepingWillow1
♀ New Member
Member # 39866
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Faith, I agree with you whole heartedly that he has to choose us. I started off by making demands, but it didn't feel right to me. I wanted him to take the steps on his own. I wanted to see just how committed he was. I met up with an attorney and so did he, when he and Striptease McGee first got together. Reality set in pretty quickly for him from that point on. I bite my tongue at least 3 times a day, just so that I don't start every sentence with "WTF were you thinking?!" I'm not going to be that person. I told him that it's all on him right now. Every move he makes in the direction of our family, I'll see that move and reciprocate. If he goes backwards, in any way, the next time he will see me is in court.

Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
WeepingWillow1
♀ New Member
Member # 39866
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I have been tested for all STDs. It was one of the most lowest points of my life.

He recently was told that Striptease McGee has slept with 68 people. She's 18 fucking years old. The best part was that my husband was blown away by that number. He has somehow managed to put her in a completely different light all of this time. It must be the dim light glow of the strip joint that makes her look like an angel?

[This message edited by WeepingWillow1 at 12:49 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another option short of filing is to do a 180. This may be more appropriate for you anyway, since you don't want to file.

The 180 is a set of practices aimed at helping you to find your strengths and to learn that you can make a good life for you and your daughter without your H. There's a lot of 180 info on SI; you can start here: http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11.

Of course, if your H won't give up his fantasy, you'll probably want to file; that's part of the 180.

I use the term 'fog' to mean 'out of touch with reality'. Your H is in the fog, but it's his problem - there's nothing you can do about it but protect yourself and hope he comes back to reality. Only he can get himself out of his fog.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10424 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
lilflower1000
♀ Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During my WS fog, I tried to 180 as best I could, but he continued false R until I threw his stuff out, changed the locks and SERIOUSLY filed for divorce. I had been to the lawyer 2 times previously and he came home and tore up the papers in a romantic way as he vowed to never see her again as he whisked me off to the bedroom . LIES!! The next time he broke NC, I was done. I went NC with him I didn't reply to his calls or texts at all. He finally broke me when he said we could move,he would change jobs, he agreed to post nup, sent NC letter, let me know where he is every minute of every day etc. I think he thought he could just keep having his cake and eating it forever. When reality hit, he knew he really didn't want the skanky little former stripper now unemployed from working at Zaxby's lol over the wife with whom he had built his life and family the one who has been with him through thick and thin. Since the fog has lifted he has been perfect.

It seems that most do not end things until they know they are about to lose everything.


Side note... I tried to hold everything together for my daughter (and sons), then I thought about it and although I was willing to forgive and I did want to show my kids the power of forgiveness, there comes a point where you also have to show them (especially your daughter) that a woman should not allow a man to treat her that way even if it does happen to be her daddy. Be strong. It sounds like you have your head on straight.

I don't know how you can pass her house each day..whew that must be rough. I think moving would be the best option.
Good luck to you.


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 315 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
WeepingWillow1
♀ New Member
Member # 39866
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lilflower, thank you for sharing your story.

When I first found out what was going on (well sort of, he wasn't exactly truthful in the beginning, but I knew something was up) I packed his shit, and also ended up changing the locks. I feel like the door locks really set off an alarm in his head. Probably one of the last days he spent away from home was right before I changed the locks. I looked him dead in the eyes and said "You don't live here anymore. This isn't your home, and I'm not your family. Your kind is down the street. Welcome to your new life." It pissed him right off, but it also brought their fun to a screeching halt. She was a good time, until she became something permanent. I guess he never thought of a stripper as a long term investment? Idiot.

[This message edited by WeepingWillow1 at 3:13 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]


Posts: 23 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 18

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