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Newest Member: LoveBetrayed (45355)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: WS wants me to ask this question
daisychains
♀ Member
Member # 37997
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your responses. You have certainly given me a lot to think about.

I think having said to me to post the question he may then have thought better of it because he did say the problem with sites like this is you don't know him or how he feels. True as far as not knowing him goes but there are so many times that things have happened or been said and I see or hear echoes of this site.

He did say to me that I seem to have a blue print in my head of how he is supposed to act according to what I read here and if he doesn't measure up then I feel he is failing.

I understand how he might think this - but it's not true - I don't expect perfection - I do expect understanding, respect and truth.

He can deal with my tears, my sadness, when I trigger and when I am struggling - he just cannot deal with the anger and the crudity of description that sometimes comes with that anger and he doesn't understand how being crude can possibly help me. He also cannot see how going over the same thing helps me - that it is keeping me thethered to the past instead on moving forward.

He really seems to think I am punishing him - and I'm not.

Josehine85 - he's not on this site and I doubt he would join - I posted the question because I thought that maybe hearing the opinions of others who have been through this - on either side of the fence - may have him understand the anger and stop being so scared of it.

Sometimes the extrordinary people on this site really know how to verbalize what I sometimes find hard to articulate.


LTA 3.5 years

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: uk
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think having said to me to post the question he may then have thought better of it because he did say the problem with sites like this is you don't know him or how he feels.

While i will give him that the devil is in the details, but I am willing to put money down on a few things he feels right now.

He feels like he's 'done enough' to have your trust back. He feels like he's being treated like a teenager having to check in with 'mom' all the time. He feels isolated from people that he was friends with because he's 'given them up' for you. He probably feels a bit less manly, ect.

I am pretty sure, he would feel a lot like I did. "why can't we work though this and me still get to be me and do all of my me things still?"....

The problem with that is that the way that I was, contributed to how I became a WS.

He IS being punished, this is a consequence, but until he actually sees it as an opportunity to become a better partner, a better father, a better man all around - rather then to 'just get over it' then he's only going through the motions.

He did say to me that I seem to have a blue print in my head of how he is supposed to act according to what I read here and if he doesn't measure up then I feel he is failing.

I am willing to bet you haven't had to do this before right? deal with a cheating spouse? I would congradulate you, but this is not where we want to be - this site, this place in our lives.

We as humans are not born with all world information. We have to learn it. So yes, you did get a majority of your blueprint from here....but so what? Every book you read, every article, every class you take, ever IC appointment, ever MC session - it will mold your being, give you ideas, answers and ways to work through things you didnt know how to work through before.

You are a grown woman, you would know if what you learned didnt work for you and you would change that.

I understand how he might think this - but it's not true - I don't expect perfection - I do expect understanding, respect and truth.

Just curious, but have you ever explained these to him? His understanding, respect and truth, seem to not be on the same page as yours. They may seem like universally known things, but to each person they mean different things.

To this day, my idea of proper bounderies differs from DH's, and we struggle there sometimes. He just expects me to know what he wants - but I can't do that - i dont read minds.

he just cannot deal with the anger and the crudity of description that sometimes comes with that anger and he doesn't understand how being crude can possibly help me.

There is a bit of truth in this, but its not his place to put a timeline on your need for it.

It takes so much energy to hang on to ugly and hate and pain. And it takes even more to let it go.

Letting it go and moving on makes it feel like the WS won. Letting it the cruel go means that everything that was done was just forgiven and that it somehow is a dishonor to your heart to let the ugly, pain, hate - go.

It is a process - and it takes time, and only you can be the one to say 'when'. If he can't handle that, then he's not really in this for life, he's only in it for you to 'get over it'

Your WS may be physically doing everything he think he should, but he doesnt sound like he's taking all this to heart and doing it for the right reasons. I think he need IC desperatly and needs to open himself to the pain that he's caused, truely open himself up.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

daisy chain:

I thought that maybe hearing the opinions of others who have been through this - on either side of the fence - may have him understand the anger and stop being so scared of it.

you are attributing emotions to him he may not have.

Rethink the concept that your anger scares him.

It is more likely that the crude comments (justified and simple descriptions of what he did) make him feel bad about himself or spoil his self-image.

Reality check for him is that he WAS out porking one or two women who were low enough to screw a married man with children when he should have been at home worried about his daughter.

I think a lot of BS initially use a lot of crude language because frankly, what the WS did and what they traded their BS, marriage, history, integrity and families away for was something incredibly crude and base.

His penis WAS more important than your daughter to him. But that little factoid doesn't fit with his self-image. That is also probably why he described the OWs as good people who were helping him. He had to protect his image.

At some point, when your WH starts showing true remorse and true concern for you and your healing, you will stop using crude descriptions. But this soon after Dday after such an immense betrayal?!? Nope.


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 900 | Registered: Jun 2012
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180 is all that comes to mind when I read this.

You are still a year out. I am 16 months out and I still experience anger. I still lash out. Yes my WH has the choice to leave, but so do I.

I am no longer afraid if he leaves because of my triggers. The fact that he stays and works through them tells me he wants to right his wrong.

Whenever I notice old behaviors creeping up I now call him out on it. Now I will only allow myself to be treated with respect or it will be known.

I will never put up with disrespect or infidelity again. It is officially a dealbreaker in my book now.

daisychain do not let your WH drive this car anymore, he needs to take a backseat. Your anger is part of the process and unfortunately for him part of the consequence of his A.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

daisychains....

My wife has also told me she didn't trust sites like this...and that everyone who responds to me only get my side of the story and therefor cant understand her.

So, again, the actions of your husband are text book with what WS do and say.

Hang in there...visit this site often...post your thoughts as often as you feel the need.

As I look back over my posts I can see my journey as if it were a book. My thoughts and views have changed.

Take comfort in the fact that things DO change. It will help when things are bad (knowing their is an end to it)and will help when things are good too (knowing you are still capable of having a good time with each other and appreciating the nice moments within the good times more fully then you ever have before).

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3989 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it fair or right that he is bending over backwards to reassure me, show me he loves me, is making so much effort and yet I still lash out in anger?

I wouldn't even bother to answer that question at all if I were you.

How dare he talk to you about "fair."

My questions for him:

Was it fair that he decided to break your marriage vows and screw around with OW?

Was it fair for him to abandon you for OW FOR THREE YEARS???

Was it fair to lie to you and say he ended things, only for you to discover months later that he didn't end things when he said, and he has been lying to you for months?

Was it fair that you were the only person taking care of your daughter while he was out playing for years?

If anyone has the short end of the fair stick here, it is you. He is being a hypocrite, and worse. It is not a wonder why you are still angry.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't get past the question and felt compelled to answer, so I apologize if this has been mentioned already.

You're "lashing out in anger" isn't anger at all, anger is a cover emotion. Your "anger" is really pain in disguise. So, the real question becomes, is it fair that you still express your pain even though WH is doing everything right? The answer is, absolutely! Your pain is real and will continue to be with you for quite some time.

Now, having said that, I would recommend that it might be time to start expressing the pain as pain rather than letting it come out as anger. I know that means you have to be vulnerable and that might not be comfortable, but it is a good part of healing.... trusting the WS enough to be vulnerable with them again.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it fair or right that he is bending over backwards to reassure me, show me he loves me, is making so much effort and yet I still lash out in anger?

I could go on and on with a response to this but I will say nothing more than the obvious:

Is it fair that he willingly chose betrayed you, devastated your world, destroyed your M, and cause you insurmountable pain for his own selfish pleasure?

I absolutely had a 100% remorseful WS, a model WS really and I lashed out often. My rage lasted about 2 years until it ran its course.

I know my WH got discouraged but he looked beyond the rage and saw the deep pain that he alone caused. How in the world could he point a finger at me and say that I wasn't being fair? He was to blame and he knew it. He would often say, "I deserve it" ~ which he did.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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