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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: WS wants me to ask this question
daisychains
♀ Member
Member # 37997
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The question:
Is it fair or right that he is bending over backwards to reassure me, show me he loves me, is making so much effort and yet I still lash out in anger?

It's my moments of anger he can't cope with. He feels that I am punishing him and yesterday he was on the verge of giving up and walking away.

It's been roughly a year since any contact from his lta. I don't know for sure because I thought it was the beginning of June last year that contact stopped when he left the town his work/affair happened but I found out recently that email contact continued for several weeks after.

Since then he has put a lot of effort into working on us - this has been hindered a somewhat by the fact that he does work away from home and comes back at weekends.

That being said - he has just spent the last two weeks putting so much effort into my birthday and then our anniversary and on the last day(yesterday)he was home I lost my temper and he feels I threw it all back n his face.

Our daughter had gone out and had forgotten to phone to say she wouldn't be back, at 5am we text her, my husband getting more outwardly het up than me - I tried to reassure him saying she probably forgot whilst I am texting r u ok? to her. She phoned her dad said sorry - forgot and he was happy - only then he said to me maybe fathers worry more than mothers - and out of nowhere it came -
I'm the one who spent three years alone in this bed worring about her while you were in xtown sticking your dick in ow c***. How much time did you spend worrying then - how many times at two in the morning did you think I better just pull out and phone daisychains to see if daughter is home and safe.

What I said was true and accurate but it was also un-necessarily crude,uncalled for and unkind.

Time for me to deal with my anger - fws just emailed to say that he thinks I should concentrate on gettng rid of the pain and then the anger may go too.

Still he saked me to pose the question and I have.

Thank you in advance for any thoughts.


LTA 3.5 years

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: uk
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...yet I still lash out in anger

At this point, with a betrayal like this, that you are even speaking to him is fair.

You are lashing out because of the pain from what was done to you.

His comment was innocuous, but was like match to gunpowder.

maybe fathers worry more than mothers

All that is, is a triggering comment. There will be many more to come, as well as triggering behaviors, etc.

FAIR = NOT CHEATING

Fair is not about not fighting, not arguing, not getting angry, not lashing out, not cursing, not crying, not etc. It is just about not cheating, whether it is in football, marriage, business, etc.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 996 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Alex CR
♀ Member
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS doesn't get to call the fair card here...IF he hadn't cheated, you wouldn't be dealing with the pain and the years it will take to heal.

I get how destructive our words can be though and almost a year out from Dday, my H and I had a similar discussion after I raged breaking dishes. H was packing up to leave and I became even more angry......telling him if he was a man he'd stay and take it because he put me here, he did this to us and a man would help me get through it instead of running away......and he did.

I went and got some help with an IC after that night. I needed to get my anger out in healthy ways and my H learned what he needed to do to help me through those moments.

Take good care of yourself and know that this isn't about what's 'fair' to your WS...he made this mess and it will take time and work to fix it. If he's man enough and really wants your gift of R, he will do it.


BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1703 | Registered: Mar 2010
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:24 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing about infidelity is fair. Your WH had a LTA...that is a traumatic and devastating betrayal. It takes on average 3-5 years to heal from infidelity. I would imagine the BS's who have to process and heal from the enormous amount of time their WS spent in a LTA would have them on the 5 year plan.

Your anger is normal. Absolutely. And healthy. As long as you're not lashing out physically,you have every right..and a genuine NEED to vent your anger,your pain,your shock,your horror,your hurt,your feelings,and anything else you need to say. The worst thing you can do is stuff down your feelings..it's unhealthy..it will affect you physically and mentally..and will eventually come out anyway.

He feels punished by your feelings? Hhmm. Do you not feel a bit punished by his betrayal?


My WH would get angry with me and tell me he felt I was using my tears as punishment. That would piss me off...how dare he make my pain all about him. It was *mine.* He put it there. But he felt sorry for himself and made it about him. It was selfish. It had nothing to do with punishing him. It was how I FELT. I was in PAIN. Real,raw,palpable pain. It had nothing to do with me wanting to hurt him.

The fact that he's only home on weekends will slow down the process of R..and your healing. It's hard to heal the damage from something this catastrophic when you're only home on weekends.

He has a right to feel frustrated. But if he wants to R,he needs to allow you to vent your anger and pain. He needs to *hear* you. He needs to be remorseful and patient. And he needs to understand you don't want to feel this way. You didn't ask for this. He can walk at any time..but if he wants to R..he needs to find empathy and compassion for the woman he loves,as she tries to navigate herself out of the Hell he has put her in.


ETA: A suggestion for your WH...obviously he's aware that you post here...maybe he should sign up and post on the wayward forum..they can help him through this..and they can help him help you through this.

I just read your profile. Wow. Of course you're still angry..the depth of this betrayal is astronomical. And the fact that he carried this affair on while living away from home(and living with her)..and coming home on weekends...and that is still the status quo...of course you're angry...his job..his schedule..has to be one big painful trigger to you. Big hugs to you,daisychains.

[This message edited by confused615 at 5:41 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7489 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it fair or right that he is bending over backwards to reassure me, show me he loves me, is making so much effort and yet I still lash out in anger?

How old is he? Five?

You didn't take the ball away from him on the playground here.

HE.RIPPED.YOUR.SOUL.OUT.

There is no fair, it's about surviving and getting through this shitstorm he created. He is lucky you didn't give up and walk away.

If he loves you and wants to R he will strap himself into the roller-coaster....it's going to be a long ride.

He needs to feel your pain, acknowledge that HE and HIS ACTIONS caused it and listen to you, support you and love you...every single day, until you are healed.

I hope you let him read every response here.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaďs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3822 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
JustWow
♀ Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but I found out recently that email contact continued for several weeks after.

Recently?

Really? Is it fair that he trickle - truths you for almost a year and expects you to reecognize when he makes some efforts, but not a 100% effort?

Whose assessment is his "bending over backwards"? His or yours?

In my book, bending over backwards would include a complete, accurate and detailed timeline - no trickle truth.

It would include EMPATHY. Empathy, empathy, empathy, empathy. Not whining about your anger - maybe realizing why it is there and being remorseful.

It would include maturity. Not jabbing you with a comment about how fathers (meaning him - I presume) worry more about their children than mothers do - then acting stunned and bewildered that the comment incited anger in you.

And BTW, even if he really was making "so much effort", you still have some anger to process, and actually, processin some of this stuff together, while it is painful, can actually be healing for your M.

So even if he were the model FWH, YES - it is fair and right that you still lash out because for some people, that is what it might take to heal them and their M.

grrrrrr.....kinda fuming for you on this one.....



BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3626 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
EasyDoesIt
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to be brutal but sometimes the situation just calls for it.

Tell him you'll get over it just as soon as he un-fucks the whore. It's going to take time to forgive. He can expect your anger to last at least as long as his deception. These are called "consequences."


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two things most WS don't fully grasp early on that I wish they did....1. That trickle truths add exponential hurt to the BS, resulting in longer healing times. 2. That their selfish decision to commit adultery results in real trauma for the BS.

Your comment about how caring and thoughtful of your daughter was your husband when he was committing adultery is not a very large leap for you to make during this recent conversation. The fact that your husband THINKS it is a large leap speaks to the fact that he doesn't yet understand the threat his affair was to his daughter. The fact that he accuses you of punishing him speaks to the fact that he has not realized the trauma you have experienced either.

Adultery rips at the very core of the marriage and family units...it is nothing but destructive to the core. Your crying and angry outburst speak to your realization that this core is under attack and can be constructive to protecting that core.

When and if he does make this connection he will respond something like....You know, my adultery WAS a real threat to the well being of my daughter and I regret that. and Your tears of pain and outbursts of anger hurt me, but I realize this is a result of my selfish decisions and lies...I am sorry and am committed to helping you heal from my hurts. This will be on your time schedule, not mine...I am trying to change my selfish desires.

The big question is if we have a fWS that can do this or we simply have a WS that can not. And that is where our choice comes in...at what level of interaction and intimacy are we going to be comfortable with.

The flip side...our spouses have that same choice. How much hurt and pain are they willing to see and accept from us from their actions. Yes, this is not fair...to be in a position of worrying about showing to much real emotion to our WS in fear that they will divorce...add to that they have already proven that when things are uncomfortable that they are capable of lies and secrecy at a level we never thought possible pre-A to go get into a more comfortable spot...but we cannot control them.

It really comes down to how strong our WS desire to become with regards to their journey.

BS, IMO, have shown to have more strength when it comes to our marriages and protecting our families then our WS have...by the simple fact that we did not step out on the same marriage our WS stepped out on...and now, when the trauma we experienced far exceed that which WS experience, we are here handling it openly and honestly.

The more the WS gets the trauma the BS is going through...the higher the threshold of accepting the pain and anger of the BS...and the more the WS will seek to understand why they choose to do one of the cruelest acts a person can do to another within a marriage, the more the BS will have compassion for them...giving the BS energy and encouragement to remain a part of the marriage.

Early on I had more compassion then my wife. maybe unhealthy codependency, maybe I was just in shock and didn't comprehend what was going on, trickle truths led me to believe it was not that big of a deal...don't know why, just know I had more compassion early on and my wife had less. She was very much in love with her AP...to the point of sacrificing the life and family that she had known for it.

As we progress there has been a shift...me less compassionate, my wife slowly gaining compassion.

Now I sense compassion raising again in me...not sure where my wife is at. I am hopeful her compassion will not lessen...but I am not fearful of this happening. While I love my wife, and I am sure you love your husband, there is always a choice to make regarding our marriages.

Our spouses already made the choice to step out on the marriage once...they did this in the dark of night and through a vale of lies...but they did already step out on us.

What you are doing by interacting with your husband is being open and honest. Doesn't make it less noble that this is happening with tears and anger associated with it...those just make it less comfortable for your husband.

I pray that he will make the turn from feeling you are punishing him to feeling appreciative for the chance you have provided to him to prove he really IS interested in caring for and loving his family again...for protecting his daughter in a very deep sense by addressing his internal unhealthiness so that he can lead his family in a courageous way.

How many divorced people do you know that cheated and never got the chance to reconcile?

To be sure, our WS also give US the chance to rebuild...it takes two to do this, but WS have the added advantage of NOT being traumatized by us and the comfort knowing that while we didn't have the marriage we hoped or expected we are committed to changing our situation WHILE STILL KEEPING OUR SPOUSE ENGAGED AS WE GO ABOUT FINDING AND MAKING THOSE CHANGES. Yeah, I still have anger.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:55 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3755 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS here. Your WH appears to be saying your feelings are invalid and need to be discarded:

fws just emailed to say that he thinks I should concentrate on gettng rid of the pain and then the anger may go too

Yet his feelings are so buried, he would rather leave you than face them:

It's my moments of anger he can't cope with. He feels that I am punishing him and yesterday he was on the verge of giving up and walking away.

He "thinks" you are punishing him and throwing it in his face. Those aren't feelings. You, DC, are to be congratulated for expressing your feelings and taking ownership: you're angry, and you're ready to face that and deal with it. What does he feel? Shame, sadness, resentment...?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1197 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Lyonesse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it fair or right that you were bending over backwards to reassure him, show him you loved him, raised your daughter alone for three years, were making so much effort and yet he still had a long term affair?

That is the real question – what is his answer to that?

Your anger is a natural part of the grieving process, it is a normal consequence of betrayal. Even if he were working hard to rebuild your marriage for the same amount of time as his lta, you would still naturally have some residual hurt and mistrust. No-one walks away without any scars.

If he insists on seeing your tears and anger as a tit-for-tat for his affair, and not a grieving process, then “fair and right” would be the equivalent of the length of his affair, no? 3 yrs for OW#2 and 7 months for OW #1 – so by his calculations he shouldn’t be whining about your feelings until 4 years after the end of trickle-truth. His logic is idiotic.

I also don’t get the “bend over backwards” thing – is it truly that difficult for him to be a loving and supportive spouse? It is causing him undue strain to be caring towards you? Seems he bent over backwards to be with OW, and he bent over backwards to hurt you – why is this so hard for him?
Yeah, of course you want to be rid of the pain and the anger. His insensitivity (with such comments) is not helping you with that. It is like continually poking you in a wound and then asking why you cannot heal it.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 8:24 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

EasyDoesIt-

Please follow the guidelines when posting. There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum. Thank you.


Posts: 35393 | Registered: Mar 2011
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The alternative is for you, and you alone, to deal with the anger he caused. How is that fair?

In my experience, there has to be a release on the anger or the pressure just builds until there is an explosion. So, suppression is not good for either party.

[This message edited by Later at 8:51 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Posts: 385 | Registered: May 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(lyonesse)...I got some things from you post. Thank you.

The tit for tat analogy is very well stated...if that is believed by a WS, that the BS is trying to "get even", it shows just how they view their situation...not as a healing one but a one-ups manship (cooperation vs competition). i take comfort in this because my wife and I had a marriage pre-A that was very much void of this type of interaction. Oh, we had unhealthy interactions, but never had the "I changed the last diaper, its your turn" attitude. We mutually agree that we contributed equally and were not keeping score. Again, this comforts me and your stating this at this time helps me recognize more fully the good things my wife brings to this process.

"bending over backwards"....good thoughts here too. If, indeed a WS feels they have to bend over backwards to transform their marriage into a healthy one they may very well lack the ability to change themselves to accomplish this goal.

I feel if a person is really wanting to change themselves into something better (one of the key ways to change a marriage and the ONLY way a person can "control") it is not bending over backwards, its leaning forward with courage into the future. This thought works for the BS just as well as the WS...and is a thought I use to motivate myself when my own selfishness tries to take over.

In the case of adultery...maybe it is common for the WS to THINK they are bending over backwards because BACK in the past they BENT their boundaries sufficiently to break their vows...

There is also something to be said about wanting to go BACK to the way some things were before the A. I miss the unquestionable trust and thought I had that my wife would be there for me, would not do anything to consciously hurt our family...no matter what trials came our way or hurt she felt, we would work through them together. I get why the WS would desire this too. And even at times pre-A where the WS questioned the strength and committment of the BS to the marriage and family a BS did not provide facts to substantiate that questioning. Again, this speaks to why this is a "hurt" to the WS and "trauma" to the BS. It is easier to process unsubstantiated questions vs processing real life situations.

Good thougths.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:58 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3755 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Jospehine85
♀ Member
Member # 35971
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have gotten a lot of great advice daisychain.

Let me add the perspective of someone who has spent 20+ years in an abusive relationship.

Your WH's behavior is controlling. It's intent is to shut you down and deny you the ability to have any emotion.

A monkey could figure out that you still have anger because of his behavior and it will take time for that anger to burn out.

Your anger=your pain. He is supposed to be showing you love and being supportive to get you through that pain. He doesn't want to do that.

He wants you happy and chipper and if you dare be anything else he is using the veiled threat of "giving up and walking away".

You calling him on the hypocrisy of his statement:

maybe fathers worry more than mothers

was completely warranted. He NEEDS to be called on this kind of hypocrisy. He NEEDS to stop rewriting reality to suit his fantasy.

He NEEDS to stop being so self centered and develop some empathy. If he had any empathy, he would not have even needed you to post that question here.

If you had proper boundaries with him, you wouldn't have felt the need to post the question either. You would already know the answer and tell him to go post the question himself.

[This message edited by Jospehine85 at 9:44 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]


Me - BS 40s
WH - 50s
4 Kids
Dday May 2012

Posts: 857 | Registered: Jun 2012
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Fairness" flew out the window with infidelity.

You are traumatized. Your responses to him are borne of trauma. He chose to inflict that trauma--the outcome of infidelity was predictable and preventable---and he still chose it.

Is it difficult for him to cope with your anger? Of course. But "fair and right" really don't factor in.

What is fair about ending your marriage and forcing you to create a new one with someone who has shown himself willing to lie and cheat?

He's approaching the problem from a different place than you. He KNEW of the infidelity. He CHOSE the infidelity. He made it all right in his mind.

Even if he now accepts responsibility and acknowledges the wrongness, the devastation's been wrought. His "bending over backwards" doesn't undo it.

He needs to know that you're doing the best you can, in the aftermath of one of the most devastating emotional (and potentially physical, given the incidence of STDs) traumas a human can endure.

I suspect that then, he won't be as concerned with fair and right, but will understand that your response to the pain is normal and natural---and with consistency and patience will improve over time.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8728 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a place for righteous anger. Anger by itself is not always a bad emotion...don't think of it as such. Anger is not a primary emotion either...so as you express it try and feel what is motivating the expressing of anger.

For me Fear, Pain, and Sorrow are the big drivers.

Fear of the damage this has done to my marriage and our family.

Pain that the person I loved and cherished so completely could choose to hurt me so deeply....could actively choose to decieve me even as she witnessed the pain her deception was causing.

Sorrow over the death of my original marriage and the realization that no matter how we heal and change...our past is our past and I can not make the adultery any nicer then it is.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:08 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3755 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) He needs to know that the rule of thumb for recovery is 2 - 5 years from the last hurt, like the email revelation. LTAs may take longer. TT extend the time.

In other words, it's absolutely right that you're still angry at him. He can discount my saying so, since I'm a biased BS, but he can't deny the literature on recovering from trauma - pretty much all of which states recovery is a very lengthy process.

2) He's right in saying you should focus on processing your pain - that's the most direct way for you to heal. You process the pain to get back to the sense of being a full-fledged loving, lovable, capable human being, whether he's with you or not.

Anger is part of the pain, so if you release your pain, you'll release your anger over his A, too.

But LOTS of grief, anger, and fear come from being betrayed, so processing those feelings generally take a loooong time, like 2-5 years for most of us.

And you'll probably still get angry wen he makes a hurtful statement....

Are you in IC? That can help speed up processing your feelings.

3) But point 2 is about you - you can heal no matter what he does. If he doesn't step up, your healing just becomes detaching from him. What is he doing to change himself from a person who can conduct an LTA to a great partner?

Right now your H sounds like he's not really taking responsibility for the damage he did. Until he does that, he's still got a cheating mindset and can't be much of a partner - and acknowledging the damage he did is only a start in the process of a his recovery.

Is he in IC? IMO, very, very few WSes can make the changes they need to make without IC.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:22 AM, July 22nd (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10166 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it fair or right that he is bending over backwards to reassure me, show me he loves me, is making so much effort and yet I still lash out in anger?

Ok, so here's my dilemma on the question.

Is there a point in time when the BS has to start giving in Reconciliation? I believe there is, because one person can't fix a marriage, it takes both.

The problem is that he's not doing things to help YOU, he's doing things to help HIM.

The question to me sounds like he's actually burdened by the things that he is doing, rather then wanting to do them out of love and to help you heal. And i think that you reconize that at least subconciously in the lashing out part.

Just through you post, i feel like he's only going through the motions so you will get off his back - not actually investing in himself and into the marriage so that it will be solid and stable.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1751 | Registered: Sep 2012
why2008
♀ Member
Member # 18378
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a point in time when the BS has to start giving in Reconciliation? I believe there is, because one person can't fix a marriage, it takes both.

I totally understand you anger and you in a very difficult situation, working away from home and being home on weekends make reconciliation very difficult.

He needs to know that you're doing the best you can, in the aftermath of one of the most devastating emotional (and potentially physical, given the incidence of STDs) traumas a human can endure.

I suspect that then, he won't be as concerned with fair and right, but will understand that your response to the pain is normal and natural---and with consistency and patience will improve over time.

I do think all of us as BS's need to work on controlling our anger and lashing out. Honestly lashing out at him for a comment that your daughter innocently made which caused you to trigger is not "fair". But neither is the situation you are in where the trust in your marriage was blown up.

I think this is the hardest part of reconciliation... reconnecting with someone who you don't have any trust or respect for, it just takes time and we as BS's do have a responsibility to try to control our tempers and express anger more productively, but its very, very hard and the WS has to accept that the anger they are getting is something they have brought upon themselves.


Me - BS - 46
Him - WS - 44
Two daughters / 10 and 7

Posts: 4074 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Maryland / DC
numb&dumb
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Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yesterday he was on the verge of giving up and walking away.

This was a manipulation on his part to get you to dial down the anger obviously. Next time, tell him to go. Call his bluff and concentrate on the 180ish behavior until he reaches out to you. If he doesn't he really isn't interested in making it work.

With the TT and him not being there all week, you are still somewhat early into this process. You have to let out the demons. In a weird way it can be kind of a test. You show the real depth of your feelings. If he consoles you, apologizes, he passes. If he wants to run, he fails.

I told my W once. I have seen the ugliest parts of you and I am still here. I expect you to see the ugliest parts of me that have been brought to the surface by your actions. Until this gets out I am going to be this way. I don't like being like this and I hope it won't be forever. However, if I can handle more ugly than you can, then this isn't going to work. You brought this on yourself and hurt me worse than I have ever felt. I need to express these things or else my frustration will cause me to give up on you and our M. Gut check time, you are either all in or all out. I will no longer accept you being partially in. I want this to work, but not if your are not willing to participate in the repair of the M your choices destroyed. Your choice.

I knew my W wanted the M, but I also knew manipulation was her tactic of choice. I simply started calling her bluffs and ignoring her manipulations. Easier said than done, but you get the idea.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


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