Boom. Then 5 o'clock hits. He's drinking with work boys, I fall asleep for twenty minutes and wake up to...
H: must be blowing some dude.
Me: :( nope just napping and waiting for you.
H: cop out
H: I called you out and your response doesn't change.
Me: you really think I'm out doing that?
H: yes. This is your fault. You need to find someone else.
Me: I'm so sorry but you asked me to ignore you because you're hammered, but I'm listening and we can talk more about this tomorrow.
H: ok. I'm sleeping here
Me: ok, I love you, let me know when you're safe.
H:(after a half hour pause) thank you babe
Ok, first, he's drunk and told me to not listen to him... but our the how he really feels?
Did I handle my responses well enough?
I feel so devastated and ashamed of myself.
[This message edited by regrettingitall at 10:07 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]
Currently struggling to keep our lives from spinning out of control.
When my H is able to honestly talk with me he shares that he still has similar thoughts/fears as those expressed by your BH. He says he doesn't air them because he feels it does no good. He sees me working hard and doesn't want to set me/us back.
I think this is part of the rollercoaster especially close to dday. You handled your responses well.
Taking positive steps to improve/heal yourself will help with the shame.
I know that I had a couple meltdowns while being drunk after dday, and we are still here and R is going fairly good, some low spots but mostly good.
I think booze does act to help people say what is on their minds, however it conveys it in the wrong way and fuels the anger side of it and the message gets lost. I assume you are still fairly close to DDay, and his pain is still at a 10, don't expect that to change for a while, he will be so far up and so far down within the matter of minutes, thats the rollercoaster. The cuddling and kissing I am guessing are a part of HB, enjoy those moments and cherish them. Use them as fuel to keep you going when the times get rough, because they will.
Keep your head up, keep posting and keep moving forward, good luck.
[This message edited by Stillkicking at 10:46 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]
I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.
I have to ask - why were you napping at 5pm? This early into R, if you're apart he's going to trigger wondering what you're doing, and the sooner you can text him back the better. Twenty minutes can feel like a lifetime, and there's almost no way to prove what you're doing while not responding, even if it's completely innocent. The mind just goes to the worst place, I'm afraid.
Keep up the good work. You responded well. It's not ok for him to talk to you like this, but it happens a lot in the beginning. As you show him you're being trustworthy, he will hopefully back off of the hurtful words.
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
Both had DDays and TT
Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.
Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.
I have to ask - why were you napping at 5pm?
My H hasn't told anyone about the A. He was too embarrassed. Last night, he told me to find someone else. It made me wonder if he was talking to the guys and that was the consensus, f*ck the whore. Could he have finally told them? Now I feel too ashamed to be around his friends. It's there a way to ask my H if it came up? He is texting me now, after spending the night at his buddy's. He seems alright, no residual anger yet....
When I learned of what my wife had done and the extent of it, I was the most unconscionable prick you could imagine. I was toxic, contaminating everyone and everything around me with my venom. It's where I was on this journey. It was counter productive, but was the result of me not getting in touch with my feelings in a positive way. I was hurt and I made her hurt too. I'm hoping you'll avoid crap we went through and the way is complete but compassionate honesty.
He is hurting and trying to find a way to deal with that. What he says is not necessarily how he feels. It's kinda like punching a wall -- there is nothing rational about it.
Having said that, it sounds like he is ambivalent about R.
Finally, I hate to say it but he has likely told one or more of his friends. I am just basing that off of my own experience. I wish I had not, but in the immediate aftermath of discovery reconciliation was far from my mind. I sure as hell did not feel an obligation to become a party to the cover up.
2. Others may disagree because you are close to DDay but I agree honesty and open communication is necessary from both parties to R. If not you will be stuck in oh so lovely land of rugsweeping and limbo (it's where I currently am).
3. While I understand he got drunk last night I do not understand why he didn't come home unless you're okay with that and it's something he does.
4. You may want to see a doctor about sleeping aids. I don't have experience with them and my sleep schedule is still a mess but maybe they can help you. It was my personal choice to not take meds but I wish I had changed my mind on the sleeping pills. I hope it gets better.
I'm just hoping that the bad days get fewer and farther between. I asked if he felt like walking away, he said he felt like I had pushed him right out the door. I'm trying so hard to R but he never seems to care if we are working on it or not. He is just too wounded to think about the future. He did tell me once that if he was tired of trying, he'd tell me. So I guess I'll keep pushing forward until he tells me to stop. Probably not even then, I'll always fight for him. I can't believe I made such a stupid mistake.
And a friendly tip, you may not want to use the term "mistake" in front of him. I can't say what will make him feel better, but it pisses me off to no end when my fWW uses mistake to describe the A. I mean, I am glad to know that she regrets the A, but it just feels like that term trivializes it. (I can tell that is not your intent, BTW).
to OP, i will tell you that my H is exactly like that. He does not want to tlak about my A or us or anything, he wants to jsut go about life-rugsweep-not face the tough stuff...UNTIL he starts drinking, and then like clockwork all the mean things come out, I witness all of his hurt and his pain. He says things to me about hope whoever you are out with is worth it (while I am at home with our kids), maybe you should jsut go to your boyfriend, etc. I know him well enough to jsut respond calmly, when he says he hopes whoever im out with is worth it, i send a current picture of something in our house (so he can verify i jsut took the pic) and i send it to him with a message that i am not out i am at home with our kids.
i have told him that i cannot handle this i cannot handle him "pretending" taht we are getting better that he is healing that i am healing until he starts drinking and then it all comes out. he has told me that he only feels safe talking to me when hes drinking, because he avoids conflict in general, because he doesnt want to feel vulnerable, etc. I have worked to make him feel safe talking to me. he still drinks and says mean things. back to the drawing board and we keep trying, however as time goes on i have learned more (thank you SI)and it is not ok for him to behave like that. I know he is hurting, i know he has difficulty communicating, i know what is my fault, but if he continues to refuse to open up to me, if he refuses to go talk to someone about it, etc something has to give doesnt it?
side note- my H has told nobody about my A, we do have very close friends/neighbors that now because they have gone through it and I told them so my h knows he can talk to that H however, my H did not tell anyone, believe your H when he says no they werent talking about he was just thinking about things that is true. thats all they do is think about it, non-stop, its ok, its part of the process. Also keep in mind that he was probably triggered, whether it be on of the buddies was talking about cheating/A etc. or whether he was jsut thinking, the last time i went out with the buddies she met up with OM, or whatever, he was triggered. he didnt handle his trigger in the best means, but thats what happened.
your responses were good.
And I did send him a picture of me in bed, said I was waiting for him, but he was too drunk to say anything except "F U"
I wanted to talk to him tonight about NC, now that things have been arranged at work for the OP to be transferred. I'm just not sure how to bring it up. He's definitely a under-the-rug sweeper and the mere mention will most likely change the mood of the evening.
I will tell you that it got much worse before it got any better for US however it did get better for me myself as a person, i started IC, i was able to really discuss my behaviors and the IC made me figure out some tough stuff and i am grateful. but for US it got much worse before it got better, instead of opening up to me and sharing his hurt with me and letting me do what i promised to do which was to support him through his healing..he turned to someone else, but i dont want to hijack your thread with that drama.
Please continue to take care of yourself. I may have missed this but is your BH willing to go to counseling? My H attended two sessions with me after his dday, none before, he isnt a fan of counseling but i have to think it would have helped us had we started going right off the bat.
Some men (like me) were raised that anger is the only acceptable emotion to display outwardly. Anything else is weakness. So while he may be showing more motion that he would in the past, he still isn't comfortable or does not have know how to do so. This does not come naturally for some men.
Alcohol is never a solution, but I know of some friends of mine that will suddenly act like a open book if they have a drink in them. I have others who try to numb their pain by drinking it away (I went through a period of that myself). At the end of the day drinking creates more problems and does nothing to help him get better. If you have read not just friends (if you haven't I would read it) it talks about the transfer of vigilance. I think that is what is needed her.
My take on what he said is that there is a lot of smoke, but there is also some fire.
He has a lot of fear which he is choosing to display as anger. I think you may need to get through that anger to the root of this fear. Anger is secondary emotion.
I would suggest you take some time when you know you aren't going to be interrupted, sit him down and explain how much it pains you to see him like this. (Sample suggestion the main point is that you care deeply about his feelings and your main concern is him) Explain that it is a traumatic event and it is OK to feel however he feels about it. Clearly tell him you aren't going to judge him, D him or walk away for whatever he has to say. You are dedicated to seeing this through whatever outcome. You aim to help him recover and that is it. You see he is in pain and hopes that he will share a little to lighten his burden. It is something you take ownership of, etc.
This won't be an easy convo, but keep at it and keep trying. Once you get through the "wall" you may see some pretty negative things and it obviously isn't going to make you feel very good either. You have to go through the pain to get to a better place.
Just my suggestion. He has to deal with this or it will deal with him. Only dealing with this while drinking is not going to "helpful" approach for either of you.
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.
Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.