I see his LTA as his selfish and hurtful deception. Honestly I don't see that I had a lot to do with his infidelity (although I do try to examine our relationship as weakened at that time and vulnerable to an affair); our relationship had become strained and as he said, we were not getting along. Why? Because he was spending, spending, spending money and I was fearful as we had just purchased a house together. He didn't stop spending, ignored completely my various healthy attempts to get him to curb his spending, and then ignored my less healthy attempts to get him to reduce his spending. (healthy; counseling, money management... unhealthy, anger and threats).
This is so hard to explain. He seems to do whatever i say. If i say let's R, he's all over it, yet does hardly any work. If I say, let's be done, he'll pick up the moving boxes the new neighbors left. He works hard painting the house and seems to show me in his physical help that he wants to R, but his emotional relating is all about being positive or its about acting in an angry and nasty way to me when he wants to shut me up.
I am a fragile person. I have few friends, and have had a history of rejection. I was bullied a lot as a kid and I truly believe that predatory people sniff me out!! I wish this wasn't true. My family which consists of my mother, who is having pre-dementia issues and my brother, who is emotionally rigid yet very fragile is not available to be supportive. My friends are great but all have their own lives and do not have the mental and emotional space to help me with this Huge Burden and one of my friends i decided not to tell because I'm sure she would be terrified of "catching the affair" or otherwise looking at her own marriage and seeing the possibility of infidelity. This she would not want to do, and so she would likely put boundaries between us. I want to keep her friendship and so i have decided not to share.
In my stronger moments, i can imagine packing up and moving on, saying goodbye to this monster of a man who lives only for himself and his needs, who has shown himself in so many ways to be a man of bad character! But then he has so many friends who think he's the Greatest!!! It's a total mindfu*k. Am i crazy or he is just a master player who plays me and everyone like a fiddle?
So sometimes I think I can end this, move on, move on and heal alone, and then the fear and absolute terror descends, and I remember. I remember the primal scream that came from every fiber of my being when i came home to discover my first husband, who also cheated on me, had moved out. And i so want to be healthy and strong and do what is right for me, but I am so alone and terrified that the pain will be too great, that i truly will not be able to cope. I wonder if I should just check myself into the hospital (never done that before although I have had some major depressions!)... with no one to hold my hand, what can i do when the terror comes when I finally make that break with this man. And how do I know if my perceptions of him are on target or if my mind is wacky? My emotions are so high that honestly I do not know sometimes if i am being rational or if my emotions are so strong that they are invading my rational mind. It's all very confusing.
I can quiet my mind. Does an unquiet mind mean mental imbalance or does infidelity just drive one mad?
As an fyi, i've had a few depressions, but i'm a solid, responsible, kind human being and if it weren't for his unkindness, i would have been fine. Why do i feel like i can't make a break from him without falling completely apart?
thanks for reading. I wish i could explain this better.
Everything seems terrifying because your world has been ripped from under you and you're in new territory.
It won't always be like this, you've just gotta ride it through. If you feel you should check into a hospital, follow your instincts. Take care of YOU right now and don't worry about him!
My heart goes out to you and I hope you will find some peace. Hugs.
I, personally would feel great discomfort that your husband will roll with whatever you say. You want someone, to want to be with you. It requires more than just going with the flow. That would make me feel insecure as hell.
Just my opinion but if you decide this is a deal breaker for you, he who pulls the plug first has the most control & it hurts less when you take control. Just my opinion. Take it for what it's worth.
My best to you Agony. Prayers for you. Stay in touch. Duffy1958
First, feeling scared is OK. You can still think and act in your own best interest even if you're scared. Feeling angry is OK, too. So is feeling terrible grief.
You say your M issues were based around money. Was the issue real or imagined? (Just checking - I expect it was real.) What about your other fears?
Also just checking - have you both looked into the 5 love language stuff? If your H's primary language is 'acts of service', his activities around the house could be his way of showing he loves you, and you won't understand that if your primary languages are not acts of service (see 5lovelanguages.com).
If he spends money on his friends, he may just have attracted moochers who will of course love him, as long as the spigot is open. If that's what's going on, it's probably going to be very difficult for him to change, but I hope he does, for his sake.
I am a fragile person.... Why do i feel like i can't make a break from him without falling completely apart?
Do you think that makes you different from many of us? Why do you think falling apart in response to financial and sexual and emotional infidelity is a sign of fragility? My response to my W's A has proved to me I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought, and I still fell apart - and I haven't fully recovered yet, after 2.5 years.
A break is a MAJOR change, and it's due to terrible loss - why wouldn't you fear breaking apart?
I wonder if you've take on the Victim position in the Drama Triangle as a primary strategy for coping with life. Search for material on Karpman Drama Triangle - it should help - even if you just learn it doesn't apply.
Are you in IC? If not, it could help a lot. If so, do you bring these thoughts up in sessions? What does your IC say?
Do you know what you want, or are you really undecided? If you know what you want, and if it's attainable, go for it. If you're really undecided, so be it, but what do you need to do or to know to make a decision? (There's no right answer here, except the answer that's true for you.) Again, IC could help you figure this out and decide.
If you need a strategy for dealing with your H, I suggest laying out some requirements for R. I'd include NC, IC, transparency, honesty, MC, and some special requirements that are important to you. Strict adherence to a budget sounds important to you. (For me, my W has to arrange dates and initiate sex sometimes, but what are your requirements?) In any case, if he agrees to meet the requirements, R is a possibility; if he doesn't, it's not. It could be a good test, when you're ready.
[This message edited by sisoon at 12:41 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]
the money issues that we dealt with were real! So real that a few months later i wound up paying 100% of mortgage/utilities etc. And later he declared bankruptcy!!!
i haven't read the 5 love languages yet; it sounds like i really should! will get in in audio today, even though it's so much more $$ but i drive so much!
his friends are good people. they are guy friends. they help eachother do a lot of physical things, and go to concerts etc. together. most of them are good guys.
i guess with regard to my fear/feelings of falling apart, it's that i can get SOOOOOO vulnerable and SOOOOOO afraid and it no longer seems like a healthy response. like it's okay to have fear, but to find myself in states of being terrified? i don't think that's healthy and I also know that i have had a lot of trauma in my life and trauma tends to build on trauma.
i will look into the Drama triangle info! thanks!!!!!
i will write back here afterwards.
i am absolutely in IC but it's 2x week and i do have very strong reactions at other times when i'm not there. And i cannot always manage my building fear!! She says that it's trauma. You see my W does not do everything he can to make me feel secure, sometimes is nasty and impatient with me and otherwise generally behaves as if nothing happened and were just a happy couple again. I honestly DO NOT KNOW what normal R on a DAILY BASIS is supposed to "look" like but his retreating to his man cave down in basement to watch TV for hours instead of being with me, supporting me, leaving me alone, is triggering for me and He Just Doesn't Get It and/or doesn't seem to really care! He hurt me and he's really not doing all that he can, except painting the house.
I do NOT know what i want. that's alot of my problem i think.
there is so much going on here and then i have other very stressful family issues going on. I am just simply overwhelmed sometimes with just such strong emotions that i am no longer able to contain them. I cannot always regulate them, it's just toooooo much stress and fear and i meltdown.
one of the things i am working on so so so so so slowly in IC is dealing on a day to day with my feelings AND deciding eventually whether to stay or go. I want to know NOW! i guess i'm not ready.
excellent point here you said:
""If you need a strategy for dealing with your H, I suggest laying out some requirements for R. I'd include NC, IC, transparency, honesty, MC, and some special requirements that are important to you.""
As for " Strict adherence to a budget sounds important to you." he has hardly any income now so he's only forced to be careful with money but i have nearly zero hope that he actually would be budget conscious if/when his income situation improves.
My goodness, i am so grateful for your response!!! thank you from the bottom of my broken scared heart!
[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 9:45 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]
I realize now that i am like a trauma victim, with triggers and all that goes with it.
Certainly. Infidelity is extremely traumatic and devastating. PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is VERY common among BS's. (I am not trying to promote a victim mentality as you can overcome and with time feel and KNOW that you are a survivor and that's the goal. )
Did you ever get any type of closure with your first H, like finding out why he left suddenly? I can only imagine how awful it was to come home and find he had just moved out. This may be carrying over into this relationship? Fear, anxiety, shock, not knowing what each day holds?
he always runs
My H is a runner too. It's in my tagline "You can't run away from yourself". He is also P/A (passive aggressive) and absolutely nonconfrontational! Which put the burden of dealing with everyday life issues all on me! It took its toll.
He spent every penny *I* had. My IC said he was so insecure that he was making sure I could never leave him by ensuring there were no funds.
Your H's anger and lashing out at you is a self protective mechanism and could also be used as a tool of manipulation for conflict avoidance, exa., if he gets mad you will back down and he can go his merry way.
But he's got a ton of work to do on himself if there will be progress made. There are a lot of self-help books including some on P/A men, if he's a reader, it could be a good start toward help.
I can relate to so many of your feelings and thoughts, as your H sounds very much like mine!
Peace and strength as you struggle along this path.