SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Last four months, W telling me that "I feel we have grown apart, relationship not there, need to be true to my feeling." "Nothing specific you did wrong, just the way I feel." "I can't go back - marriage is over." This was after 24 years of loving relationship. She never said a word that anything was lacking. We never fought, very few arguments, we were perfect couple. I never got a chance or a say in her decision.

Nothing was making sense to me, could not understand why she was ending the marriage, did not recognize who she was anymore. Then... I found the smoking gun evidence and it all became clear.

She was having affair with her boss (friend who had feelings for her in university) for 3-4 years. It was all conducted when they were on business trips. She was doing it all behind my back and right under noses of kids.

I exposed my knowledge of it and she is denying having affair but admits to possible feelings for him, they they have done stuff together (dining, concerts) and that personal friendship may have/has crossed the line and they "walked it back". She is lying to me everyday to keep it all under wraps.

I am totally devastated - never thought the most beautiful woman in world to me would break my unconditional trust and love for her in such a callous way.

Taking one day at a time but it is hardest thing I have ever endured. Feel like marriage has been destroyed rather than merely ended. Future dreams shattered, my present is devoid of so much happiness and my past is filled with memories that are now all tainted.

Definitely the worst thing for a person to go through.

So sorry 60-2-0. Others with the same experience will be along soon with their thoughts. Have you told the OM's wife?

Hey there. Welcome. I am truly sorry that you had the reason to come find us, but I am SO glad that you DID find us. There are a lot of caring people here who have all stood in your shoes. It's the weekend, and it can be rather slow during those times, but I assure you, you are being heard.

First off, YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS. No matter what "justification" your WW gives you, you do not have the power to cause another human being to take off their clothing and screw someone. That was a decision that she made and it was a decision. A mistake is when you put a brown and blue sock on in the darkness and go to work without looking. Your WW decided to cheat and betray you, no matter what pretty words she uses to cloak that decision. She had other options come to you and talk, file for divorce, get counseling, etc. She chose instead to screw another man. That is very blunt, I know, but you need to get rid of any thought that you might have that you were at fault for her infidelity.

Next, please take a look at the upper left corner, where the yellow box is. Click on The Healing Library. Start reading. There are posts in this forum that have bulls-eyes next to them. Read them (you can stop and go to the next when you start seeing the word BUMP appear). All of this is information written by people who have stood in your shoes and it is spot on. You will find that every cheater follows the same script. Oh, there might be some wording differences, but it's pretty much the same exact script. You need to know what that script is because while she's had all of this time to get her story, reasons, justifications, etc., together, you are coming to this information late.

Keep coming back here often. We're here to support you.

I am glad that you found us too..

I have been M 25 + years

It is hard to think of anything that would have come between us with that kind of history....

It is all in the way that our WS acts towards us, and treats us..especially in the wake of infidelity..Even if infidelity wasn't involved, I can think of a few things that would be marriage/relationship breakers....

8 years in, and I found out a week ago today. I still feel the same way about my wife. While it's ok to examine your relationship over the years, remember that you can not take responsibility for her actions. You will probably go through some self examination and doubt but she is the one who strayed.

Iam so sorry you are here, but this site will help you in a very big way.You will get lots of advice from folks that have experienced what you are going thru. First off take care of yourself, exercise an get plenty of sleep , eat ant take in enough fluids. Personally, I found that hitting that weights 3 times a week with short (less than an hour)intense workouts enabled me to manage my stress much better. I know exactly how you are feeling. In august of 2010, I discovered that my gorgeous wife of 18 years, the mother of our two boys, was involved in a 6 plus year affair with a married male co-worker here in southeast texas. I, like you, was devastated,crushed etc...I didn't know what to do. Finally with the help of the folks on this site I realized what I needed to do. An this is what you need to do: 1. Implement the 180 yesterday. Read in the healing library about it. 2.Realize your marriage is over as you remembered it. 3.Your not dealing with your wife right now. She is what some posters on this site have so cleverly named a" pod person". She is completely lost in the fog of this little fantasy affair. 4.Contact a good family law attorney. 5.Realize you cant "niece" her back. 6.If OM is married, tell his wife. In almost all cases it will end the affair. Don't worry about your wife getting angry if you do this an do not tell her or OM you are going to do that. I also tried to get the Om to meet with me, but he wouldn't. Your call on that. Get your "alpha" persona on you will feel better about yourself. Remember this was not your fault, she made the decision to cheat instead of trying to work thru any problems with you. Remember it will get better. Stay strong.

Without warning your WW, tell the OM's wife today.

All,

Many thanks for the words of wisdom and encouragement.

I will be honest - I am really agonizing over telling the Om's wife. She is my WW's roommate from university and they are good friends. I know I am not supposed to do this merely for revenge but I have seen the chats/emails where the Om is making fun of his wife as they are in couples counselling and she is genuinely trying and he is merely buying time until he tells her it is over and then shacks up with my WW.

To tell or not to tell?

Do tell. Don't warn your WW about it though.

PLEASE, please tell her! She has the right to know the reality of her life and her marriage. She has a right to know what her WH and your WW have done to her, her life, her family and her marriage.

So many of us would have given anything for someone to tell us what was happening. Wouldn't you have wanted that? How would you feel if you found out that she knew and didn't tell you?

Don't make yourself an accomplice in this crime by keeping their dirty secret and covering up their crime against her. This is NOT your nasty secret to keep.

Telling her is the compassionate thing to do. It's the right thing to do. It's the cheaters who lie and sneak and hide and betray.

Tell her.

ETA: And yes, DON'T tell your WW that you plan to do this. She'll warn him. They'll try to make you look crazy or try to head it off. Just do it.

[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 10:59 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]

Flip this around. If it was you, out in the cold, trying with all of your heart and soul to mend your marriage by going to a MC, doing the work that the MC gave to you, and taking to heart all of the LIES that your WH was telling you and the MC and trying to make those changes, wouldn't you want to know if you were spinning your wheels, wasting your time, and being made fun of by a couple of liars who were screwing each other?

I think that you know the answer to this.

The kindest, most compassionate thing that you can do, is to tell the BW. Three of you hold a truth that she does not have. She is trying, with all of her heart and soul, to take responsibility for her WHs betraying her, without knowing what is going on. She has been betrayed by her husband, by your wife, and if you keep the truth from her, from you.

And if for no other reason, two pairs of eyes watching is better than one pair of eyes.

Brother, I can't imagine why you would even question telling her. The sheer cruelty of what your WW is doing is staggering. It is so bad, there is a whole thread devoted to it in the "I Can Relate" forum. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=158554 If you really have hesitation, read there for a while. The other BS is not only being betrayed by her WH, but by what I will assume is her best friend. At the very least someone she is confiding in. Please, spare her further pain.

For yourself, get some righteous anger going.

I am totally devastated - never thought the most beautiful woman in world to me would break my unconditional trust and love for her in such a callous way.

The reality is, she did. And continues to do so while lying to you directly to your face. Not only that, she is betraying a friendship of how many years? The kids?

Obviously she is deep in the land of everlasting rainbows and dancing unicorns serenading their love to the undying adulation of the oompah loompahs. The devastating reality will never enter her mind unless exposed.

My advice will sound harsh, but I think is absolutely necessary. Shock and awe time.

Do not immediately notify the other betrayed spouse. You have some ducks to put in a row first.

See a lawyer NOW. Get divorce filed NOW. You can always get it delayed or even cancelled if reconciliation occurs. Heck, you can reconcile after the divorce if you so choose. Do Not let her know you are doing this.

Read and implement the 180. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11 This will give you the space and time to implement stratagems as she desperately seeks to circumvent you.

Notify the other BS after you have gotten these things done. Please be gentle. Present her with the smoking gun evidence and please, be aware that this is not only her H that has betrayed her, but her friend. Don't add to her hurt by being another person making choices for her.

Get tested for STD's. Do you really believe your WW was the OM's only affair? BTW, ask about a referral for an individual councilor. Perhaps a mild anti depressant or sleep aid.

Take good care of yourself. If you can't eat solid foods, try ensure. Stay hydrated. Exercise. Read and post here. It truly can be a lifesaver.

Strength

ETA clarification

[This message edited by 5454real at 12:07 AM, July 21st (Sunday)]

What Scan said. Tell her. You'd want to know. It's the most compassionate thing you can do. Also, since like most people in affairs, your WW is probably living in a land of sunshine, blue skies, green meadows, where unicorns fart rainbows over cotton candy clouds that float over gum drop mountains and lollipop forests, exposure is usually the best and fastest way to end their association.

She may think she loves him and that he loves her. He doesn't. If he did there is no way he could stand to share her with you, knowingly. He would have pulled the trigger already. No. Men in this situation tend to do a cost/benefit analysis. Right now it's more likely that to him she is just an attractive woman who made herself available for sex. There is no responsibility, little drama, nothing but good times for him. Once you tell his wife, and his world explodes he will begin to show your wife what he really is. She'll probably also see what she has become and won't like it. This is where you get a chance to have your wife back. With him out of the picture maybe she'll choose to focus.

[This message edited by hatefulnow at 12:03 AM, July 21st (Sunday)]

Your WW sounds like a very selfish person.

A's are like vampires, have a hard time living in the daylight.

You should tell the OM's BW.

She has a right to know about her marriage, or lack of one it seems.

It sounds like your WW has already left your M.

Maybe this will wake her up.

Cheating with her BFF's husband. What a way to treat a friend.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 2:05 PM, July 25th (Thursday)]

What will keeping the affair secret do? Delay the truth from coming out sooner then later? You will then become an accomplice in covering up there affair by not telling the OMW. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want the OMW to tell you the truth?

What does a responsible adult with integrity do in a situation like this?

DO IT!

Want to see the pretty fantasy world that your WW/OM go pop? Expose.....not only for that purpose but to give that an option in life....

At least if the OM's BW hears from you, you could deliver the information with compassion and caring. She has a right to know what is going on in her marriage, and you know that the WH and your WW won't tell her, so you must tell her and let her make her own decision about what to do about her marriage.

Whatever you do, I'll say this again as it's already been mentioned, do NOT even tell your WW that you are thinking about telling the BW. The WW will tip off the OM, and he will feed some story to the BW telling her that you are jealous of their friendship, or jealous of this or that so you are going to try to start trouble, and she'll believe him. So don't give him the chance to fill her full of lies and doubt, DO NOT TELL YOUR WW that you are even considering telling the BW, just do it. Be as kind as possible, let her know you are in deep pain, and you will only show her what more that she wants to know.

I'm so sorry you are in this position, it truly sucks majorly! I had to tell the OW's BH as well. He listened, he looked at the emails, and then he thanked me and asked me to never contact him again and I didn't. But I felt so much better knowing that there were now 2 sets of eyes on these two so they had less chance of reigniting their A after that. I also felt good knowing that I had given a heads up to an innocent man that he should be tested for STD's because his wife was not who he thought she was, I might have saved him some serious medical issues.

60to0

Tell his BW.. Send her a copy of those emails you have or print them off and hand them to her.

Hand them to her and tell her you are sorry... Ask her if she needs you to stay while she reads them.

She needs to know she is not crazy and that this POS of a husband of hers is cruel....

Tell her. If your WS gets mad its because she is protecting him and if she is still in that mindset then she isn't truly remorseful. She needs to make her amends with you and her friend. Keeping this secret hurts everyone.

All,

Thanks for the great support but I am still torn.

My gut is telling me to maintain the moral high ground, say nothing, move on from my WW (just waiting for the separation papers to be finailized) and let her web of lies unravel all on its own. That will be the greatest revenge as I won't have to do anything.

But, I do feel really bad for the OM's BW and I detest the fact that my WW will be caring for my kids one week and jetting off the next to screw her lover while I spend weeks/months/year(s) trying to get back to happiness.

A real dilemma for me.