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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Back to mediation?
Coraline
♀ Member
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 3:41 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No one is pushing me to do it or anything, but do you think that, now that I'm stronger and less susceptible to manipulation, and my position is so strong, which means I'm not afraid of court and won't take a crappy deal just to avoid it, I could actually try mediation again? Or is it pointless because STBX can't ever mediate fairly? I have reason to believe he wants to avoid court a lot more than I do at this point.


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AYFKM???

Girl, did you drink some Kool-Aid?

Remember the Aesop's Fable about the frog & the scorpion? Your STBX is the scorpion. It's your choice to be the frog or not.

Please don't be the frog. You know what STBX is. Stay away.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9866 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Coraline
♀ Member
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hahahaha! I just wondered because I know he doesn't want to go to court now, and tonight when he picked up the kids he asked if I wanted to talk to him yet. I declined because I know better, but I guess he charmed me some, because then I started thinking about mediation again. Thanks for the 2x4, lol.

[This message edited by Coraline at 4:01 AM, July 20th (Saturday)]


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No.

How is that for a simple answer

If he wants to make an offer because he knows court is not going to go well for him, let him. Then the lawyers can deal with it and you are just over-seeing.

You do not initiate mediation. Do not give yourself the headache.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4697 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is a very simple way for him to avoid court - make a reasonable offer! There is no need to converse at this point, it hasn't gotten you anywhere to date, and only brought more pain. He puts forth something reasonable - you agree, you both sign and you are done.

Note: I said HE puts forth a reasonable offer... because anything you put forth he will see as an opening for conversation/negotiation.

Stand your ground in silence Coraline. Get what is fair, reasonable, and satisfactory for the kids. If you have to go to court to get that - you go to court.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4157 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
hexed
♀ Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

holy hell coraline have you forgotten this man just got you kicked out of your home??? you have to move b/c he's lying, manipulative, deceptive, hurtful, evil sonofabitch? seriously? mediation only works if both people are sane and decent and just have a disagreement. your STBX is neither sane or decent


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8463 | Registered: Apr 2008
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO, if he wants to mediate, he needs to man the fuck up and offer you a sweet deal. It's far from your responsibility to do his homework for him. He's a lazy, ugly bastard. If you're likely to get what you want from court, go to court and let him suffer the consequences - that's not your problem, and he shouldn't have been such a piece of shit if he didn't want to deal with the fallout.

(He reads here, no? )


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13813 | Registered: Jul 2011
Coraline
♀ Member
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, thank you all. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me! Here I am talking about how I'm not so susceptible to manipulation, right as he's snake charming into doing something I know I shouldn't do. Siiiigh.

The thing is, he's painted himself into a corner making a big deal over one thing, pretending he cares a lot about it and it's bad for the kids, and now he doesn't know how to drop the issue without losing face. The truth is that he doesn't *actually* care, as he offered me exactly what I wanted on multiple occasions; it was just that the financial concessions he wanted me to make were insane, and I'm not a dumbass. I'm not giving up on what I want unless I get something HUGE that would allow me to make alternative arrangements. He won't give it, so forget about it. I'll take my chances in court. Maybe I'll still lose on the issue, but I'm not just *giving* it away. In my head, I was thinking maybe if he could get away from his lawyer and into mediation, he'd be willing to deal on that issue, because he could just make up some excuse later. But probably not. It would just be more of trying to get me to give away everything over one thing, and it's not worth risking mine and the kids' financial safety over it.

The time for me being afraid of trial has long passed. I may be re-paying my dad for this divorce until I'm 80, but he told me yesterday, "No more Misses Nice Lady. You fight for what you think is best for your kids." If he wants to deal, he can find a way to do it. He's not stupid. There are a million reasons he could come up with that it was suddenly okay with him. I'm actually shocked I caved the other day, but it was because I thought I was getting something huge that would fix it for the kids. Then he said no to that (after the lawyers spent 2 hours going back and forth and we were finally in front of the judge with what we thought was a deal!) and I went home and called my dad, who said ENOUGH.

I love my dad.


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't get me wrong - if assface comes to you with an offer you're willing to accept, accept it.

It's not about punishing him, it's about doing what's best for you. If that's court, go to court. If it's accepting his settlement offer, accept that. But certainly don't bend over backward to do his work for him.

You're doing great Coraline. You are so much better off without the loser dragging you do.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13813 | Registered: Jul 2011
Coraline
♀ Member
Member # 36434
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, definitely. I have no desire to punish him. Revenge is the very last thing I care about. I want what I know damn well is best for my kids, and I won't stop fighting for it until I either get it (or a very suitable alternative) or a judge sends me packing. But "fighting for it" does not mean "giving everything away so that I'm poor for the rest of my life and the kids and I live in a hovel". That defeats the purpose.

[This message edited by Coraline at 3:37 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]


Me: BW, 34 Him: WH, 35
3 Kids: 9, 3, and 1
Decree nisi will become absolute in January. We are DONE.

Posts: 771 | Registered: Aug 2012
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't do any more mediation. If he wants to make you an offer okay. Don't talk to him about the divorce at all. Keep it to kids and finances.

If he approaches you about it tell him to have his attorney contact your attorney. Don't settle for anything less than what you need or what you know you can get from a judge.

If he really wants to avoid court he will come to you with an offer.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4793 | Registered: Feb 2008
Topic Posts: 11

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