Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: graspingstraws99 (45451)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Truths that help R
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tonight I asked H how he could have been willing to lose all his friends and family for one person. He said it was tunnel vision. The deeper he got into the A, the deeper his tunnel vision.

He also said he was only thinking of himself. I asked him when that type of thinking started and he said soon after he started the A, and it magnified as time went on. He had to have the tunnel vision and selfishness to keep it going, or his own conscience would have gotten in the way, and he would have had to stop the A.

It is as though the A has a life of its own. He says it is like something he learned in the business/investment world. When someone is deeply invested in something, sometimes when it starts going south they feel they have to stay with it because they have already invested so much in it. They have a difficult time dumping it, or changing course because that would require them to have to admit that it was a bad decision in the first place.

He also said that he realized today that he rarely thinks about looking at porn. An image or thought would cross his mind earlier in the day and then he'd look at it later. He says that as time goes by and he doesn't view it, the less the thoughts come. He feels relieved that the thoughts are lessening. I am relieved too.

He says another reason he doesn't look at it is because of how it would hurt me, and that I would then decide I've had enough and would leave him.

He really "gets it."

Oops! Edited to correct spelling

[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 1:42 AM, July 20th (Saturday)]


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says it is like something he learned in the business/investment world. When someone is deeply invested in something, sometimes when it starts going south the feel they have to stay with it because they have already invested so much in it. They have a difficult time dumping it, or changing course because that would require them to have to admit that it was a bad decision in the first place.

I find this interesting. My fWH says that a couple of months into his relationship with OW he began to see her true colours and didn't like what he saw (makes sense to me because she is SO not his type, she is in fact everything that he DOESN'T like in a woman...weird!) He says by the last month she was irritating him badly... I have asked him again and again WHY he kept on going back to her, WHY he kept on betraying me for someone who really irritated him... I mean that HURTS! He has kept on telling me he "doesn't know", maybe it was "just a habit" Those answers have not helped me to any kind of understanding Now I am wondering if it was not perhaps what I have quoted from your post above?

Maybe that explains it.

Thanks for sharing.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1024 | Registered: Oct 2012
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HBH,

As a fww I can relate to a lot of what your H told you. It is hard to put into words what goes through your head at a time when everything in there is so effed up, but I think your H did a good job explaining it.

I'm glad he's getting it .


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38205 | Registered: Sep 2007
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says it is like something he learned in the business/investment world. When someone is deeply invested in something, sometimes when it starts going south the feel they have to stay with it because they have already invested so much in it. They have a difficult time dumping it, or changing course because that would require them to have to admit that it was a bad decision in the first place.

THIS^^^
This is a concept I learned in my business class as well. It's like staying with the sinking ship will somehow prove that it was the right decision. This is a great explanation. My WS said "I knew I messed up, but it just kept snowballing..." after I pointed out he had a hundred different opportunities to change directions.
But yes, this analogy is a good one. Definitely made me think.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting bc my H works in the investment world (as does she). I read on the Wayward forum here once - someone wrote something to the effect that they kept it going even though they knew it was wrong and knew it was not going anywhere bc 'after all that" it had to be "worth something". They "owed it" ....something.

Turns out it was nothing after all.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2483 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Topic Posts: 5

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.