The last few days have, for whatever reason, brought a series of warm, lovely, connected moments for me and my BS. Little reminders of what we found in each other so long ago. And the touchstones that we've found and shared along the way, through good and bad, joyful and sad. And worse. I felt in the moment, content, and lucky to have this person in my life.
A long time ago, my wife shared with me how it felt if I had a moment where I was being a selfish, self-centered, mean asshole. Early in my recovery from drugs and alcohol, there were many "dry drunk" moments of anger, resentments, frustration and acting out as my spoiled little inner boy was not allowed to get his ugly, selfish way. And she weathered with grace and class the brunt of these moments. She stood by me. She never stopped loving me. Or believing in me even when I couldn't believe in myself.
Her analogy regarding how she felt when I hurt her, myself, or us has stuck with me. She told me "It's like we have this beautiful little pond that is us...and if you put just a drop of poison in, even at the far side, that poison finds its way into every part of the pond. And despite being diluted to a tiny fraction of it's undiluted state, that beautiful ecosystem loses its natural balance, and it takes time and work to regain that equilibrium". I understood what she meant, and that helped me try to avoid letting my poison drops find their way into our little pond.
What I'm reflecting on today, after our nice, connected moments of late, is how we've both had to adapt to the fact my affair was like a leaking 40 gallon drum of poison, rusting and half immersed, at the far side of our beautiful pond. And I guess the "it takes work" part of stable, long term recovery and reconciliation is me, and us, acknowledging just how corrosive and unsettling my behavior has been to our little pond. The brink it brought us to. And most importantly that the trust and love I've been given through having a second chance at finding and holding dear the us that is, without question, both beautiful and fragile.
Part of me almost feels like I don't deserve another chance. Or to be happy. Or to have the love of a woman who has chosen to forgive me and believe in me even when I've been unable to do either of those things for myself...oh, and who I callously pitched off a cliff just for good measure.
I guess what I'm saying, and reflecting upon today, is how I am so very lucky to have the BS I have. She was magic the day we met, and hasn't stopped being magic every day since. I'm ashamed I lost sight of that...