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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What do you all think?
cannotheal90
♀ New Member
Member # 39870
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So while I haven't "just found out" I am still trying to get over what happened last year and am beginning to suspect that my husband is cheating again. Here is a link to the post about it I made on BabyCenter, way before I knew sites like this existed. There are updates throughout so it is a lot to read. http://community.babycenter.com/post/a33985759/i_really_need_opinions_and_advice_here

We decided to work things out but now, while there is no evidence of him cheating, I do suspect it again. I think he may have learned from his mistakes last time and that is why he won't go back to Virgin Mobile cell phone because Virgin has a call details and T-mobile doesn't even though he knows Virgin mobile has better service. He always takes a shower at night and now he is doing it in the morning. He is spending crazy money every day that he knows we don't have and I catch him in lies, though it is only Wawa and places for lunch. He shows me very, very little affection anymore. And its just always about him, what he wants, when he wants it, how he wants it.
I'm also just so tired of trying. I'm always trying to make him happy, satisfy him, please him. When he cheated it was made to be my fault, when something goes wrong its something I did wrong. I walk on eggshells around him day in and day out! He did nothing to prove he was sorry for cheating except say "I'm wrong and I'm sorry". Just the next day it was like everything was supposed to be forgotten and back to normal but it has been on my mind every day since. I KNOW he fucked her, but I have no evidence and he denies it, I just feel it in my heart. I found things out from him even after he came clean and said he had already told me everything. When he gets home from work all he does is park his ass in front of the TV, eat, shit, piss, or smoke. I know he works hard and allows me to be at home with our children, I appreciate that and I thought I showed him that everyday. Even though he comes home from work everyday it just feels like he isn't there. I am so fucking lonely and depressed right now and he doesn't even realize there is anything wrong. I know he isn't a mind reader but how do I come out and say "I'm not happy" in a way without him getting all pissed off. How do I ask him if there is someone else? I feel like I want it be over with already, but I don't want to put my kids through that mess. I don't WANT to be without him, honestly, I love him and care so deeply about him but its like he doesn't feel the same, at least he doesn't act like it. I don't just want to give up either and that is why I gave him a chance after he did what he did last year. I've been broken since I found out about him cheating, I admit, but I feel like he isn't taking responsibility for what he did/does wrong and just finds excuses or blames it on me or the kids. I'm far from perfect. I know I need to work on myself. I know I am harboring a lot of things inside. I just need him to randomly look me in the eyes, hold me, and tell me that he is happy; That he loves our kids and our family and me and wants this to last forever. Once in a while (even once a year would be nice) show me somehow that I am appreciated and needed even if I truly am not. Instead I have to ask him daily "are you okay", "you look upset", "are you happy?", "is there anything more you need from me?". He cuts off mid-sentence so he can say whatever he needs to say even it is irrelevant to what I am trying to say. Me or the kids are trying to talk to him and we are trying to get his attention and I have to scream his name 30 times before he pays us any attention. I have to scream his name 30 times to let him know that his 3 year old daughter wants to tell him something. It makes me SICK. I can't stand living like this anymore.

[This message edited by cannotheal90 at 11:02 AM, July 19th (Friday)]


Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you have reason to be here.

What did you do to heal from the past infidelity? What work did he do to make himself a safe partner? To ensure he would not make the same destructive choices again?

An affair last year is remarkably fresh; it's unusual for a remorseful spouse who really GETS what he did to behave the way your husband is now behaving.

To me, it sounds as though the affair went underground. That it never ended, and that now that he's feeling that you're far enough out, he's getting bolder (and in deeper). His actions---the lack of connection, in particular, are really, really worrisome.

Please, stop asking him whether he is happy. He's not concerned with YOUR happiness and well-being.

Instead, consider your options--all of them. You have a husband who cheats. At very best, he is not willing to do what he needs to do to repair the damage he's done. At worst, he's in his affair still, or in another.

Is this okay with you? If not, you have some tough decisions to make. No, you don't have to make them today. But you have to decide whether this is a man with whom real reconciliation is possible.

Not all are. And because I had one of them, I know how much it hurts.

Millions of hugs to you.

ETA: I'd read, in the FAQs for BSs (in the healing library, located in the yellow box to the left), #1, which discusses the 180. This describes one very helpful method to give you enough emotional distance to really start seeing things more clearly in order to make wise decisions. Among its recommendations will be that you no longer ask your husband whether he is happy. Fuck his cake-eating happiness. He does not care about your happiness now. You need to.

[This message edited by solus sto at 12:18 PM, July 19th (Friday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8889 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
keptmyword
♂ Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Always keep this truth in mind while going through this:

His adultery/infidelity has NOTHING to do with YOU or YOUR MARRIAGE.

Infidelity is a PERSONAL problem - it is not a marital problem. Although obviously, infidelity has a profound impact on a marriage - just like drug/alcohol addiction and verbal/physical abuse. No one "pushes" or forces another into infidelity any more than forcing them to be a heroin or meth addict. They are deep-seeded personal issues they must address and personal choices they make.

From personal experience, my suggestion would be to go bold and aggressive immediately.

DO NOT accept blame. Ever.

DO NOT beg or plead. Ever

Allow your anguish to become anger and use the anger in a controlled manner. Adopt a cold, steely, and determined demeanor.

Consult with an attorney to get an idea of your rights.

FILE for divorce and have him served with the divorce petition. Now, that doesn't mean you are now getting divorced. You can put it on hold or dismiss it at any time.

The point here is that he hasn't faced any consequences for his selfish and destructive actions. Right now, he has solidly in mind that what he is doing is justified because he can project all the guilt and shame onto you. It is quite the path of least resistance for him. Keep in mind, he knows very well he is doing something to you that he would never want you, or anyone else, to do to him.

Filing will send the message to him that you are no longer going to tolerate this shit and are forcing him to face consequences. It will send the message that his value to you has plummeted. And mostly, it will send the message that you value YOURSELF and YOUR CHILDREN more than this Jerry Springer bullshit that he has heaped upon you and your family.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
pewpewpew
♀ Member
Member # 38116
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry you are here. And dealing with this again.

If you want more proof, I'd suggest going quiet and planting a device. A VAR (voice activated recorder) under his seat in the car is the best bet.
During this time, play nice and wait if possible.

If you trust your gut and that's enough - file.
Fuck him. He has shown you who he is. Trust your instincts.
By filing - it shows you have had enough. Whether that's enough for him to end his activities will be on him.


ME: 30
WH: 35

Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.


Posts: 310 | Registered: Jan 2013
canteat
♀ Member
Member # 39636
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, July 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i agree with what has been said so far in the other replies.
I don't just want to give up either and that is why I gave him a chance after he did what he did last year.
just wondering what he did with that chance? did he do any work on himself?? did you? If not, then you can't expect things to be different now. sorry if that sounds harsh but if you want things to be different then something has to change. start with YOU! You are worth it!

show me somehow that I am appreciated and needed even if I truly am not

This upsets me a great deal. Settling for false reassurances and validation? It sounds like this relationship and the way you have been treated in the past year has really taken a toll on you. I really hope that you consider IC for yourself. (Regardless of what he does or what you ultimately decide about the M.) You need to focus on you and your kids right now and it seems that you have been so conditioned to worry about him that you probably find putting your needs first to be difficult. IC can help with this a lot. It helps put things in perspective. You are WORTH IT. You are STRONGER than you know. *hugs*


Me: BW 42
Him: WH 47
Married 9 years-together 18
Dday: 6/17/2013 EA/PA(EA 1yr/PA 6mos-OW out of state)
status: Starting R 7/22/13

Posts: 151 | Registered: Jun 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Sorry you are here. Your past year has been a very hellish experience. As others have said read the healing library up there to the left. Understand that he was able to cheat and then go back to normal. This means he didn't deal with what he did and he probably is either continuing the bad behavior or starting up a new A. Either way he is being horribly disrespectful to you and your M.

If you want proof then you need to go into stealth mode and put a key logger on his computer a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his vehicle and do some research on spyware fOr his phone.
If you want to make this work he needs to deal with what he did and how he is behaving now. This means that you have to demand the respect you deserve. Until you are able to do that he will continue.
Three things I tell every newbie you need to do.
1. Go to the Dr and get STD tested
2. Make sure you are takin care of you. Eat, Sleep, stay hydrated. If you ate struggling with that let the dr know when you get tested and get a little chemical support to get you through.
3. Go see a lawyer. You may not want to D but you also don't want to spend the rest of your life in this hell.any women choose to stay because they are "stuck" this is not true. Talk to the lawyer find out what your rights are an how things wod play out should you D. Knowledge is power and power provides strength.

Lastly know that his choices and behaviors have 0 I repeat ZERO to do with you. Do not let him beat down your esteem and strength by constantly belittling you. That's a way for him to justify his shotty behavior.

Welcome hugs and strength.

Keep posting there's a lot of us here with lots of experience.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
cissi
♀ Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to let you know that T-Mobile does keep track of records for calls and texting. In fact, you can go online and practically watch usage by the minute.

Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
cannotheal90
♀ New Member
Member # 39870
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, July 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to thank you all for your responses. They are greatly appreciated, each and every one. I find myself trying to figure out whether or not this is just in my head at times. But then I remind myself that he DID cheat at one point, maybe even many. He IS a liar. I keep like trying to defend him and IDK why. I am taking advice though and looking into counseling. I know I need to work on myself way before I can even consider leaving even if I'm not sure that is what i really want to do yet. Again, thanks.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
cannotheal90
♀ New Member
Member # 39870
Flame  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I need to add that i woke up in the middle of the night last night and he was doing who knows what on his phone. He doesn't know I saw him. How do I keep myself from not caring? How do I keep myself from not feeling betrayed day after day? How do I disconnect myself from all of this so I can just focus on my kids and myself??? Why do I continue to allow his behavior to bother me? UGH!

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
minniemouse51
♀ New Member
Member # 39981
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was in a similar situation years ago. My H treated me the way you describe. I had 3 small daughters (4,5,9) I wasn't working. I had the divorce papers drawn up. I showed them to him and set them on the counter. I told him if things did not change I would file them. He tried at first but lost interest after about a month. I did divorce him. It was terrifying to leave with 3 small children. It was the best thing I ever did for me and my girls. I've been happily divorced for 13 years. My girls are all in college and my ex is lonely and miserable. This may not be right for everyone, but you can't live like you are. It's not good for you or your children.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 10

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