Been a little emotional the past few days. Tired of dealing with insurance, tired of being in pain, and recovering from a massive verbal spewing this past weekend with QS. He builds up for weeks or months at a time, and one day when he feels comfortable and safe, pours it all out. I'm usually for days afterwards. Its a lot for me to hear and process at once. But its how he works and I can accept that. Point is, he communicates right?
Last week was a bad week pain wise. I stayed home from mid-week service to rest and ice.
Well, this evening while we were planting some trees in the yard, QS looked at me and said, "You know last week was the first time you've been completely alone for that long and I didn't worry about what you were doing at all?" I was surprised. Hadn't even thought about it. He'd left me home alone for about 3 hours.
The last time I was alone, I was up to my eyeballs in the A. He took the kids to the car wash, came home early, and almost caught me skyping with AP. And QS had even brought home flowers for me that day.
Last week he left me alone, and was not fearful that I was up to no good. He knew I was behaving. He trusted that I was. When he got home, I was in my same spot on the couch, resting, and waiting to see his face come thru the door.
Anyway, after getting the planting done, we moved inside for dessert. He was helping me get things ready and he said, "There are days I want to scream "Why did you have to be such a bitch!?"" When he said it, he'd gently put his hands around my neck and shook me. Again, gently. Hearing him say it, feeling him do that, kind of shocked me. And I felt such sorrow, such heartbreak. I hate that I did this to him. To us.
And before anyone jumps on the abuse band wagon....chill. He did not do it maliciously or in a hurtful manner. He was expressing himself to me. He was communicating his feelings to me. And as hard as it was to hear, I am grateful. Because he feels safe enough to talk to me. That is huge.
I am appreciative that he talks with me and shares his feelings with me. It isn't easy changing a lifetime of habits. And he's been working on it just as I've been working on my own stuff.
Progress. Little more each day. Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne