So, while I sit and have the mind movies of his hands on her, I take .01% of comfort that she didn't have his heart.
It all sucks.
ETA: There are alot of BS's who come to SI and believe their WS "only" had an emotional affair...only to find out later it was a PA.
Usually if the WS and AP are in close proximity,it turns out to be a PA.
[This message edited by confused615 at 11:40 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
They are both acts of betrayal. They both rip your heart out.
You are hurt and we all want our WS to be better than they were/are during the A.
Completely normal to try and justify the A, especially when you decide to R.
Good luck. Read all you can in the Healing Library.
Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August
Whether a spouse is using sex with other people to fill a void or emotional connection with other people to do the same, it ends up looking the same from where we all stand.
Broken is broken is broken.
I will full out admit that I'm relieved my WH's multiple affairs were not PAs, but that's because sex is a massively loaded issue with me starting with CSA connections. I've done the conflicted about sex bit; no more thanks.
I will also full out admit that the language, the THINGS my WH said to all those women, will haunt me just as much as my memories of prior physical abuse. "Being drawn to you more than anyone ever in my life" being offered to someone else and telling them how controlling I am while I'm sleeping trustingly cuddled in bed against him. Telling me I'm beautiful and mean everything to him and telling all of them how he's never been happy with me.
Shrug. A kiss or sweet words. Spending time in bed or spending all day talking to them. It's still all giving other people things that betray everything we trusted.
Ironically, it was after he told me about the affair - claiming that he wanted to commit to our marriage again, he met up with her in person for a second time to "say good-bye" He says he held hands with her as they walked on the beach, read her a poem claiming that she was his soulmate and it was "a waste of love" that they couldn't be together and kissed her. To me, he may as well have slept with her, he lied to me and kept the lie a secret. I found out when reading the secret email account 6 weeks later.
Cheating is cheating. For some reason, some people give a pass to EAs. I think they are just as damaging.
Your husband was unfaithful to you. He broke your marriage vows. You don't have to decide to R or D yet. How is your husband behaving now? Can you talk to a counselor?
[This message edited by LearningToFly at 4:54 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]
My stbxh always said "why can't we move to OWs state?" As if my distrust proved I was wrong and a bad person.
So after things went to heck and he is "exploring his feelings with OW"
He says "well the difference is that I am no where near her."
To which I said "oh yah, what the he!! Do you think would be happing now if she lived in the same city?"
Him- "well I glad we don't have to deal with that".
Lol like it was pea sized hail or something....
[This message edited by darklilly23 at 2:02 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]
Either way it's the most painful thing to ever go through...
Had he had sex with her, and not L her, I would still have been devastated every time we were intimate.
With an EA, my only consolation is that at least she didn't get that part of him. Also, I don't have to deal with mind movies, or compare myself to her physically.
DarkLilly23 ---- like it was pea sized hail or something....
For some reason this really struck my funny bone!
ANYWAY - he betrayed me. He lied to me, he continued to lie to me, he tried to make me think it was all in my head. He tore our marriage into bits and did it in the name of "fixing me".
EA is awful because he used to get that shitty grin on his face when a text would come in. (the a*ss)
PA is awful because I am the only one who is supposed to have his hands on my body.
Interesting thing is how many WS's chose to do both.
It does not make any other situation less if there was sex or no sex. Or whether there was 'love' or no love.
The fact is someone we trusted, shared our life with - deceived us. Betrayed us. Lied to us.
I could deal with infidelity. I am human (although have NEVER cheated) and see where WS choose the wrong path.
However, the lying, and denying is what makes my skin crawl!
If I had deceived my WH so badly, I would be full of guilt and could not imagine lying to his face!
Fool me once - Shame on you. Fool me twice - pack your shit and get out.
Fast forward 7 1/2 yrs. I find out about a 2A. This one he admits he had sex with. Nearly two months after that, I discover he did screw the first xOw, but told me he loved her because he figured it would be less hurtful. His logic was that he would be more hurt if I had sex with another guy than if I loved him, so I must feel the same.
Guess what? It all hurts in its own special way. ONS, LTA, EA, OEA, PA...it all hurts. It all shows the BS how selfish the WS is. It all changes the M we thought we had and the future we planned for. It all makes us look at ourselves and wonder if we are special anymore.
My WH told OW that I would almost be ok with a small physical infidelity, but "this"...what they were engaging in would destroy me. It did. We haven't really recovered. My WH's relationship with his kids is forever altered.
He and OW never came in contact physically. (Not since their college romance) But they pledged their souls and love to one another; said they would wait for one another. Where does that leave us, his family?
So, I can't compare. Either way it's destructive.