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User Topic: Make contact with other BS as a follow up?
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Concerned  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been about 8 months since I spoke to OBS. Part of me wants to touch base just to say "hello" and hope she's well. I do care since she has hurt very similar to mine. But why do I feel like I should touch base? I stop myself several times from doing so. I stop because I figure she needs her privacy and I should not disturb them at all. But the other part of me wants to. Why? I don't understand? Maybe I can't let go and touching base with her assures me that this pain is real and I'm not the only one? confused.

[This message edited by 2married2quit at 9:24 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1399 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
tearingaway
♂ Member
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Provided that you gave her all of the information that you needed to give, I would leave her alone. If "no contact" is firmly in place between your WS and her WS, I don't think there is a reason to contact her.

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2010
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Urgh, I had a whole wonderful post typed out and accidentally closed the browser. Ok, here goes again.

I understand the "want" to contact the OBS. You two share a unique, painful experience that only the two of you can understand. No one else on earth was betrayed by your wife and her husband besides you two. This unique pain can form a "victim bond" if you will. Sort of like siblings who are raised in an abusive home, they will bond over those abuses often because no one else understands what they've been through other than their sibling.

I would still not recommend contacting her though. She might be in a different place in her healing and either one of you might end up feeding off of the other one. If she is in the rage stage, she might help you jump right into it as well and vice versa.

I understand how, as a compassionate human being, you want to check and make sure she's doing ok. But what if she's not? It would probably kill you to know that she's miserable, tried committing suicide, given up her kids for adoption, moved to Zimbabwe, shaved her head, etc. etc. etc. What would you do then? Contact her weekly and try to become her counselor? You can't fix her, you can't even help her fix herself, she has got to do this on her own. I know it feels counter intuitive to just leave her be as a caring human being, but in this situation I think it's best to do just that.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Duffy1958
♀ Member
Member # 39755
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's because of being relatable. A connection.

What's up? What is going on you need to talk to someone? It takes a lot to get on the other side of what is going to feel like survival. Lots of talking, crying, fights, reading, posting, thinking, obsessing!. It's a lot.

I would recommend you resist the temptation to call unless there is a problem in NC violation on their part. If you have NC in order, it is to "protect" your relationship while you reconcile & heal. If you contact, it could open a door you don't want opened.

This shit made me obsess. Does it you? I don't think it's a bad thing because in the end I want to make sure I got as much info as I can
to proceed in my life. I try hard to cover my bases. Is this you? The more you post, the more feedback you get & that's very valuable.

I'm very sorry this has happened in your life. I hope you are getting what you need to heal. Take care. Duffy1958

I'm so sorry you are


Me-SAHW soon 55
Him-asshat age 60
Married 3.5 years together 13.5
Step-children 8 altogether Grandchildren.
Cheaters are the same yesterday, today & forever. They may have different caveats but they lie the same & pull the same shit.

Where i


Posts: 114 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. I'm so glad to have a place like this filled with people that understand and are caring. I'm obsessing again I suppose. I'm depressed and filled with anxiety. So you try to grab on to anything.

I won't be calling her. It makes total sense not to and to read these opinions it only confirms it to me 100%. It's hard to let go sometimes but I must.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1399 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it is normal because she is a person you can identify with and you know she understands first hand your pain.

I would advise not to contact her at this point. There is really nothing either one of you can say to each other that will provide comfort. It will only open up old wounds.

Pray for her healing. Pray for help with your fear and anxiety (which are completely normal).

Post here. We care and understand.


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1214 | Registered: Apr 2013
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you 1Faith.

That's what I needed to hear.

I should start praying for her home as well. The damage is done.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1399 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Duffy1958
♀ Member
Member # 39755
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's very normal to think about contact OBS.

I think it's very wise & thoughtful of you to pray for her & her family. Very nice. Thank you.

It's hard, so many emotions! I want some wheels to turn faster in my situation. Argh! Hang in there!


Me-SAHW soon 55
Him-asshat age 60
Married 3.5 years together 13.5
Step-children 8 altogether Grandchildren.
Cheaters are the same yesterday, today & forever. They may have different caveats but they lie the same & pull the same shit.

Where i


Posts: 114 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, July 24th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah...I didn't contact. It's hard sometimes when obsessive thoughts fill my head. Working out and thinking of other things does make it better.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1399 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 9

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