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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How do you stay grounded and secure with old? Feeling a big down
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Concerned  Posted: 8:11 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay....so I've been pretty good with weeding out guys that I know I don't want to be with. I'm very proud of myself for being able to do that without letting my loneliness drive me into another toxic relationship....

However...and I've heard many of you say this who have been doing the OLD thing for a while....how do you not get burned out of never seeming to find decent matches? It seems like the only guys that contact me are 1. too old for me (sometimes WAY too old). 2. Currently separated (um...NO) 3. ZERO attraction and various other dealbreakers.....OR I am interested in them..but of course....they don't reciprocate! I've even made the effort to send out emails to guys with cute quirky and might I add...witty comments ...in hopes for a response. But.....I digress. I know that guys get the "blow off" much more than women, so I won't bitch too much about that.

I guess today marks a week and a day since I got the snippy "I'm looking forward to working uninterrupted" text from "Triathlon Dad" and not a peep from him since. So, I'm assuming he is officially poofing. Which is fine..... I mean...we only had one date and talked on the phone a couple of times. But, it does kinda suck when you see potential and would have liked to see where things went and they turn into asshats.

OLD just sucks. I don't attract the same people that I'm attracted to or that have qualities that I'm looking for. I REFUSE to settle this time.

I feel like the area that I live in....that the pickins for good men have been picked dry like the twinkie aisle in the last grocery store in the zombie apocalypse! I will admit that I'm starting to lose hope that there is a "perfect for me" match out there.... and its a little disheartening.

Okay...I'm done whining now.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
chikastuff
♀ Member
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I was able to keep sane by reminding myself that I was in control of the process and my success/failure. That took the risk of rejection out of it for me. Regardless of who messaged me, I was the one who got to decide whether I wanted to give them a chance or not.

The power of "NEXT" is in your hands, not theirs and you can be picky.

You can tell the world exactly what you're looking for and then YOU decide when you've found it. That's holding yourself in high respect, that's acting with self assuredness and self confidence. That attitude is going to attract quality people. It's when you get desperate that you find losers attractive and view them as potential partners.

The way I approached OLD was: I put myself out there to see what sort of reaction I'd get. I actually had a VERY cynical profile, one most people here would tell me was a sign of not being ready for dating. But I wanted all of my cards on the table from the get go. And I had a few people tell my my approach was refreshing. I had no problem talking about myself and filling in the gaps after the first email though, so I wasn't totally bitter. I used the initial days for an ego boost. I stuck my toes in the water, got a bunch of compliements, got a few invites for booty calls (didn't take them up on it though), etc. I let them come to me and I decided who I wanted to talk to and go out with. I didn't take any of these guys to the next level, I really, truly wasn't ready and this was more an exercise in building my self esteem/getting out of the "Mrs/married" mindset. It was an exercise in detachment.

Once I felt a bit stronger and more in touch with chikastuff the woman vs chikastuff the wife, I started reaching out to people that I found attractive and wanted to get to know. My current SO is someone who winked at me, but didn't actually contact me. I think I actually sent the first email (just saying hi, thanks for the wink). We took it slow and almost a year later we're moving in together.

You have to remember that OLD isn't the end all be all of dating. It's an opportunity for you to access a lot of different people without commiting yourself or your feelings. The truth is, there ARE good men out there, just like there are good women like you out there. You just have to put out the right vibe.

And you deserve so much better than Triathalon Dad. Keep looking, keep being choosy. Maybe approach it like you're looking for someone for your best friend or sister. Why would you date or let someone unworthy of you into your life or into your mind if you wouldn't tolerate your friend/sister doing the same thing?

[This message edited by chikastuff at 9:05 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A big part of staying grounded for me was removing my focus from OLD. I did it, and I was active and involved, but it was never a priority. I was going out, having fun, I never logged in on a Saturday night (too busy going out), etc.

You have to manage your own expectations. It's not a professional matchmaking service; you aren't likely to find someone and fall in love within a few weeks. So you have to manage what kind of energy and expectations you put into the system.

And you take breaks. Take your profile down for a week and focus on other stuff. When you're ready to go back, go back. There's nothing that says you have to stay on forever, log in eight times a day, etc. I got caught up in that initially, thinking I would miss the elusive white hare if I wasn't constantly lurking and obsessing.

The more I grew and started focusing on me instead of we, the more that the truth I'd already proclaimed, wanting to be with someone who complimented me rather than completing me, became true - and OLD became a lot less stressful, because I no longer "needed" that white hare. If I were to meet someone worth meeting, great, but if not? I certainly wasn't losing sleep or unnecessary energy over it! because I am my own white hare.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13738 | Registered: Jul 2011
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The more I grew and started focusing on me instead of we, the more that the truth I'd already proclaimed, wanting to be with someone who complimented me rather than completing me, became true - and OLD became a lot less stressful, because I no longer "needed" that white hare. If I were to meet someone worth meeting, great, but if not? I certainly wasn't losing sleep or unnecessary energy over it! because I am my own white hare.

That's so true Amazonia... I actually have quite enjoyed being single and having my free time to myself and my daughter... and I feel like it will take a very special person for me to want to change that.... or to share that with...

And you deserve so much better than Triathalon Dad. Keep looking, keep being choosy. Maybe approach it like you're looking for someone for your best friend or sister. Why would you date or let someone unworthy of you into your life or into your mind if you wouldn't tolerate your friend/sister doing the same thing?

That's true...his loss right? I know there is a good guy out there somewhere.... patience was never one of my stronger virtues....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to keep that focus Shelly - you're happy being single. So what's the rush to find a new relationship?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13738 | Registered: Jul 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think in the beginning, my assumption was that it would work quickly. I had to get over that and it took a few poor dates for that to happen. I also took breaks, when I felt cynical, then I remove my profile for a few weeks or month or two. Rejection is a huge part of OLD. It just is.

Sure, I still get a little disappointed if a guy I'm interested in doesn't work out, but my skin is pretty thick now. I keep myself very detached and allow no emotional connection until I have had a few dates. If they are going to poof, I find it is usually right before a date, right after the first date or about 3 dates in. If all that is smooth sailing, then I relax a little. BTW, the ones that hit 3 dates...I've ended the "relationship". I've also ended most of the relationships after the first date. I AM going to be choosy.

I keep repeating..."If he doesn't stop at my station...then he isn't my train." You have no idea why the guys aren't responding...and in the long run, you should be thankful they didn't. They aren't for you.

I stay very busy with friends and hobbies. I don't answer emails until at night after the kids are in bed or early morning while I'm drinking coffee before they are up and about. The rest of the day belongs to kids or SI if they are outside playing.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4141 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not really in a rush per se.... I guess I just didn't think it would be so hard to find even "date-able" men! But...it is what it is! I'm actually starting marathon training next week and won't have much time to date anyways!!! Marine Corps Marathon is October 27th and it will be my 3rd marathon! Its also one of my bucket list marathons! Good distraction from the dating scene anyways.....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems really common sense, but keep focusing on yourself in that way. When you get discouraged, consciously replace that mental loop with one about the positive things in your life - friends, marathons, your kid, etc. Over time you'll retrain your mind to focus on the positive instead of the negative, and it'll come a lot more naturally not to "over-invest" in the dating stuff.

I think you're already on that track, it just takes time to get used to a new way of thinking.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13738 | Registered: Jul 2011
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went into OLD with a really naive sense of optimism. I figured that in a few short months I'd have met a wonderful woman and everything would be roses. When I first made my OLD profile active, I braced myself for a flood of interest.

So yeah, it was a blow to my ego when I received little to no initial contact and women wouldn't respond to me. Brought up a shit load of "loser" feelings. I got angry at women in general, because it was easier to believe that their wants and desires were fucked up than to believe I wasn't desirable.

By no means is OLD fun for me, even two years later, but what's helped me is to be patient, and to understand that a *lot* of people aren't actually that available (for whatever reason: they may be checking out someone else, they may just be dipping a toe in, or are not that serious about their search, have impossible expectations, overreact to triggers, etc.).

Also, I think many of us have a tendency to aim just beyond our reach, if you know what I mean. We're told over and over not to settle, and are afraid of making another mistake, so our filters can become a little unrealistic. I'm not saying that's true in your case; but if the men you are messaging are super appealing, keep in mind that they will have many choices, so the odds of them getting back to you are less.

There was a really interesting scientific study. One group of people were each shown a small selection of chocolates, and they could choose just one. Another group of people were each shown a large selection of chocolates, and they also could choose just one.

It turns out that even though the chocolates were all of the same quality, the people who had the smaller selection to choose from enjoyed their chocolate more.

I wonder if the same is true of the people in OLD that generate a lot of interest. Maybe they are less likely to be satisfied with any one date, because of the chance that one of their many other options might be somehow better.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 1:37 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Topic Posts: 9

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