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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I need neutral opinions, please.
WhiteWolfWinning
♀ Member
Member # 12475
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all, as someone else stated...I have NO idea how it feels to have gone through what you did with your Ex.

But I'm going to ask you to think about something with regards to the timing of you disclosing what happened with him to men you date.

Let them get to know you for who you are now. You have been forced to face, and teach to your kids, a certain kind of acceptance and tolerance. That has certainly been hard won, but it is part of who yo ARE.

After a guy gets to know you, his response to your bombshell might be very different than it would have been before he knew you. The right guy will see that you have processed this horrifying situation with grace and with the goal of doing the right thing for your kids. He is far less likely to pepper you with silly questions, because he already knows you. He knows you are a loving soul who simply believed in her husband. He knows that you don't tolerate intolerance.

In the meantime, you will also know him. There are plenty of ways you can find out if someone is a bigot without revealing your situation.

Wolf
And, about this guy ...I'd give him a pass on his remark. He was taken by surprise and simply didn't know what to say. Having said something stupid in this situation doesn't mean that he'll continue to make dumb remarks. You'll find that out soon enough.


Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply, Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God

Thank you, Lord, for the lightness of my burdens


Posts: 8233 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: midwest
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 11:36 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And, about this guy ...I'd give him a pass on his remark. He was taken by surprise and simply didn't know what to say. Having said something stupid in this situation doesn't mean that he'll continue to make dumb remarks. You'll find that out soon enough.

I was honest with the guy and told him the "joke" turned my blood cold. He told me he knew it was inappropriate (in hindsight), and "in defense, I am a people pleaser and I thought you would think it was funny." and asked for another chance. The more I thought, the more inappropriate it became. It was emailed to me, and we all know in that early "email stage" of OLD, we check our emails multiple times and are thinking how best to respond. Therefore he had multiple times to read that joke and remove it from the email. He had to think about sending me the joke. I just wasn't interested any longer. Maybe he isn't a bigot, but he certainly thinks making fun of people is appropriate, and I don't.

All I can describe is that my blood went cold and starting on a negative just doesn't work for me. If I knew the guy and this had happened, then I would be willing to talk it out...but I don't have the energy to try with a guy that I already don't...respect.

When I feel like dating again, I think I will not mention anything until a date or two. I can't lie, or even "skirt" an issue...so if they ask me, I'm going to tell them.

I have definitely fought to be in the healing place I'm in. I do find myself to be "colder" than I used to be, and I think it has to do with firming up my boundaries. I am learning to protect myself first. I may need to work on that balance of keeping my softness while having firm boundaries.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4033 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XH is bisexual. However, he hasn't "come out of the closet". I stood there with the proof in his face and he still denied it.

I don't bring it up. I don't see any need to bring it up, even if he was open about being bisexual.

Even just a few dates is too soon. I wouldn't worry about until you are in a serious relationship or it's going that way. You should be able to find their views on gays just by normal conversation.

For what it's worth, one of the guys I dated and later became friends with did not tell me for nearly a year that his son is gay. It was also something that he brought up in a normal conversation. It wasn't just something he came out and blurted.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4694 | Registered: Feb 2008
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, July 26th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had an IC appointment today, and we had a long talk about all of this.

She totally agrees with how I handle things, and we discussed...if I ever do OLD again...actually putting in my profile that my ex is gay. It will weed people out even easier. I don't think I will, but I am going to continue to be open and up front about MY life. As my IC said, there is still a lot of bigotry out there, hidden or not.

I told her the story of the man I was emailing (and the sexual gay innuendo) and her first reaction was "Eww!". Which was my first reaction too. Totally validated my reaction as being spot on. She said, "You didn't give him a second chance, did you?!!" Nope. I didn't. My gut told me to walk away, and I did.

What I have been feeling in myself, though, is a cold...feeling. Not as empathic as I used to be, a colder part to me that I don't like. We discussed a recent contact with my fSO, where I reacted very coldly. IC said, "cmego, that is not who you are. I think it is time to take a breather for a little while." And I agree. I don't want to lose my ability to be empathetic and nurturing, and I feel it slipping a little bit right now. I don't want to end up hating all men by what a few have chosen to act like. I want that wonderful naivety back, the hope that there may one day be a wonderful man in my life.

And, I'm going to continue being me. Plenty of guys haven't reacted poorly to my ex, so I know it isn't the way I'm delivering "the news". I believe in open and honest communication. Holding it back so I don't "scare someone away" or whatever, wouldn't be me.

"Don't allow your wounds to turn you into someone you are not."

^^^This is what I'm going to remind myself for a little while.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4033 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's great that you had a helpful talk with your IC and feel validated. I hope you don't interpret my thoughts on focusing on lighter topics in early dating as being contrary to open and honest communication. That's a very strong value I have too. It's just about timing and finding a way to enjoy dating so its easier to stay open to possibilities. Who cares if you scare a guy! It's just having to engage with idiots over your very private issues that is a waste of energy and time. We all have our different ways and pacing around revealing and protecting our peace.

[This message edited by InnerLight at 12:27 AM, July 27th (Saturday)]


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5733 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
ExposedNiblet
♀ Member
Member # 30803
Default  Posted: 1:44 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been following this thread with great interest. While I cannot imagine what you have gone through, I do understand what it's like to be raising children in a family with gay family members. My brother is gay, as is XH's brother. I will not tolerate "jokes" made at their expense, regardless of who tells them, any more than I would tolerate racial jokes, or jokes about the handicapped.

cmego, I wanted to tell you that I admire your honesty and the openness with which you share your story. I am proud of you for following your heart (or gut, whichever works) when making your decisions.

Although I am nowhere near ready to date, when I am, I too would hope to weed out those whose views do not match mine in this regard. I plan on being very upfront when discussing my own family, just as you are.

You are a wonderful, strong woman, and I'd like to thank you for inspiring me.

Thank you.


Divorced
Me ($39.95 plus S & H)
DS1(17), DS2(15)

Enjoying this chapter in my life.
Learning that being alone does not mean being lonely.
Discovering that where I've been is not as important as where I'm going.


Posts: 355 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Right Here, Canada
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, guys!

I am discovering that part of the healing/growing process is being comfortable with yourself and your decisions.

Being able to "rock" who I am.

I've been feeling very "Pinterest-y" today. I have a quote board I go to read when I'm turning things over in my mind. My current fans:

"The wise person questions himself, the fool others."

"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."

"In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4033 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 67
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