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User Topic: I need neutral opinions, please.
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think men have a hard time with this because they question their own sexuality and wonder if it could possibly happen to them.

This with a twist. If someone has had a time in their life they were bi-curious and acted on this then that equates to promiscuity because we know only 100% hetero's are faithful

Joe Rogan summed it up with a recent statement, somewhat loosly paraphrased "Those anti gay are either dumb or secretly worried c@&$s are delicious." Apparently, marriage takes care of that "concern" for many women with a certainty they aren't.

I'm just fuckin' with y'all. Nothing like a lil sexism early in the morning. Good times, good times


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think men have a hard time with this because they question their own sexuality and wonder if it could possibly happen to them.

Some men, for sure. And I suspect the more hardline someone is against gays, the more likely this is to be the case.

Maybe it's just the state I happen to live in, but I haven't personally come across that sort of bigotry since I was a kid.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 4:04 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
Lilypad
♀ Member
Member # 36399
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some men, for sure. And I suspect the more hardline someone is against gays, the more likely this is to be the case.

I should have said some men, I know that not all men feel like that.

The irony is that these men who are against it are usually the ones that have no problem watching porn with two women together. Talk about double standards!


“You can make mistakes, but you are not a failure until you blame others for those mistakes.” -John Wooden

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Canada
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you know the few guys I have dated...most ask a million questions.

"You mean he had sex with men, then came home and had sex with you????"

Yes.

"So...how??"

I don't know.

"I don't understand how someone does that!! I just don't understand..how?"

You are heterosexual. He isn't.

"How did you NOT know???"

Because I believed what he told me.

"So you were having sex? What kind, how often?? Did you wear a strap-on? (seriously...I was out to dinner with my fSO, a friend and her bf. Her bf asked me if I wore a strap on during sex. I froze. My fSO joked it off to deflect the question...).

Because my ex is gay...it seems to then open my sex life.

OIAL...you aren't having to be around people who are really facing their views on homosexuality/bisexuality when they date you.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OIAL...you aren't having to be around people who are really facing their views on homosexuality/bisexuality when they date you.

Not entirely true. I've told some dates about my XW's sexcapades. She hooked up with both men and women (probably horses and goats, too), but none of my dates keyed in on the bisexual stuff. Hell, I never keyed in on that. It was all just betrayal, period.

The worst response I got was from a woman who asked me what I might have done to make XW cheat. Fuck off, lady. But everyone else simply expressed surprise and understanding.

Sucks that your dates have focused not on the betrayal, but rather their own lewd curiosity.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She hooked up with both men and women (probably horses and goats, too),

Right, because that's the natural progression.

Cmego, I understand. I have actually gotten some of the same shit when I've chosen to share a bit of my history although it's quite different at first. Very excited, then assume promiscuity and would need a homing device.

That's when those boundaries become steel fortresses. Not up for discussion or any further dates. Period.

You are not a research project or on trial and they don't get to depose you.

Trust then share. I'm so sorry. Makes me quite pissed for you.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Men are very focused on sex. Women are naturally more sympathetic, empathetic and...kind. Men just aren't. They want sexual details to...help them understand, I guess.

I remember discussing with my fSO about WHY my former sex life fascinated people. I didn't ask fSO about his sex life with his former wife. Why do people find mine so interesting? Because it is like Jerry Springer? I think it is back to closet bigotry. The "strap-on" comment floored me. From that guy's perspective...it was a "joke".

I don't know. It just is.

I haven't figured most of this out yet. I just keep hoping that the right guy will come along and it will just work out.

Not sure about OLD right now. That just doesn't seem to be working for me, so I'm going to step back for a bit. School is starting in a few weeks and I'm going to be slammed.

I think I get tired of thinking about it. I'm so used to being on my own, it feels like such a waste of my time to try and date. Like, it isn't going to happen, not on OLD. I think someone probably needs to meet me the "old fashioned way" so they can meet ME.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

uncertainone, you misunderstand. My XW was into anything and everything, from group sex to guys that would hit her.

Permit me to mock my XW's rampant, all-inclusive sexual proclivities.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, July 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Men aren't sympathetic, empathetic and mind? If that's the case, what do women see in them?


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not entirely true. I've told some dates about my XW's sexcapades. She hooked up with both men and women (probably horses and goats, too), but none of my dates keyed in on the bisexual stuff.

t/j

Seriously? This is what you discuss on dates while trying to get to know someone? I do not ask about and I do not tell past sexual history... ever.

end t/j

Women are naturally more sympathetic, empathetic and...kind. Men just aren't.

Not true, at all. I am, almost to a fault and I have paid dearly.


-t2g


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9175 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
FirstLoveGone
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Member # 25957
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cmego - I can honestly say I have no idea what you are going through.

But perhaps folks questioning you about your situation is just curiosity and not closeted bigotness or some other nefarious reason.

You, of course, can set hard and firm boundaries on whether and how you answer questions. And if you aren't getting a good vibe from someone them you should trust your gut.

But I think labeling someone as a bigot or homophobe may be judging them too harshly. I think those words are used to easily, just as the word "racist" is.

I am of a minority race here in America. I have come across my fair share of "jokes" and people ask me ignorant questions about my culture and race quite often. But I don't automatically label them a bigot or racist until I see a strong case for it.

I think some folks are just truly unknowledgeable, ignorant, or curious. I try my best to educate them. You may not want to put in that effort. That's your prerogative.

I just don't want you to pass up an opportunity for connecting with someone (not necessarily this guy) because they have made a stupid remark without any malice.


Posts: 1262 | Registered: Oct 2009
InnerLight
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Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are free to set your boundaries where you want to, but to be open to discussing your ex's sex life with new dates but then dislike the conversations seems to point to the need to reset your conversational boundaries. Why should anyone who meets you get to have this personal info on your kids dad? This is privaledged material and it seems a date ought to show some worthiness before getting there with you.

I know you said you've waited to divulge and it hasn't helped but it has to cut down at least somewhat on insensitive comments.

I also do not ask SO for sexual details about his past and he doesn't ask me. He is a gentleman and would not answer even if I asked about the sex life of ex's.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Permit me to mock my XW's rampant, all-inclusive sexual proclivities.

Mock away. I would think considering the make up of our board there might be some sensitivity to the all too common tie in between sexual orientation and beastiality.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, July 21st (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, like I said before...this is a sticky wicket. There isn't a right answer. It depends on so many factors.

For ME, I feel more comfortable telling guys sooner rather then later. Maybe I will go back to telling later and know I run the risk of the "freaked out date". After him...I started telling guys sooner.

The problem with "educating people", is that I am then put into a position to defend ex...or kids Dad's..and it mostly involves my former sex life. None of it fun for me, but I understand most people are simply curious. But, they are curious about my former sex life.

Women are naturally more sympathetic, empathetic and...kind. Men just aren't.
Not true, at all. I am, almost to a fault and I have paid dearly.

I"m talking in general terms. There is never all/only.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
NaiveAgain
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Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:58 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t literally sucks that I KNOW some men are going to not be interested because of choices by my ex. But, it can't be changed. It is what it is. I just have to figure out how to weed them out without getting attached first. KWIM?
There are plenty of other ways of weeding guys out other than letting them know the sexual preferences of your WS.

With some people, I have outright casually told them my WS was a SA and was doing hookers, dating sites, webcams with other men and who knows what else.....but when I casually tell someone, that is because I don't give a shit about their reaction. If they judge, who cares? I'm not invested in that person.

When I am dating someone and wanting an emotional bond....I will decide on a person-by-person basis on who gets how many skeletons how quickly....with some men, they are very empathetic and I can open up right off and we can both share ....with some men, it takes longer, and with others, I would never tell them. That is because I wait until I get a good "feel" on the guy and how he handles things and different situations.

There are other ways to find out if the guy you are dating is going to be a bit more open-minded. Talk about politics and religion (big no-nos to some, but for me....a person's view on those things tells me a lot about how that person will probably handle some of the weird and unusual shit that is my life). Plus, that can get a person opening up about their own life. Guys that have been thru their own traumas and unusual situations are going to be more open-minded about things.

Another thing is that when you are going on a first or second date with someone you really don't know, even if you have had a major loss....they are not going to be invested in you enough to show any real sympathy and caring. For someone to truly care about you and your situation, they have to know you. That takes time. And if you get to know someone over a period of time, and you like that person, you will be more open and understanding about ANYTHING that has happened to them or they are dealing with, because at that point you know and care about the person and you aren't just making a quick judgment on them from a small amount of information.

You know what else? There may be guys you date that you are weeding out too quickly because you are throwing the sexual orientation thing at them so quickly before they have a chance to get to know you, and if you got to know them, they may actually be a bit more open-minded. There are some people that are racist, homophobic, and prejudiced, and they will NEVER change. There are some people that may have some racist/homophobic ideas but some education will totally open up their minds.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15115 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I guess if I "throw out the gay card" and the guys pull back, they aren't the guy for me. Reality is, life throws us shit all. the. freaking. time, and if they can't roll with the punches, they aren't going to be the guy for me.

I will hold off on any guy in the future until I have at least met him, or he directly asks. I don't talk about all the other stuff, there was multiple LTA, hidden money, separate lives, NPD along with the emotional and psychological garbage he threw at me. Plus, my kids. That all waits until much, much later.

For me, the bottom line of what I think may be important is wether a guy can be accepting of a gay couple. Ex is in the kids life and is pushing me hard for the boyfriend to be included in everything.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
damncutekitty
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Member # 5929
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, July 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I don't like to discuss painful stuff from the past with new people. I was dating my current SO for a while before I felt comfortable talking about my XH. (we were dating for months before I opened up about other things) I don't think ex talk is romantic or sexy. It's just not a great conversation topic for new dates.

There are ways to find out people's political/religious leanings without telling about your ex.

IMO it's not being dishonest to wait until you have established trust or gotten close to someone before talking about your past.


Keep calm and carry on.

Posts: 49448 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is the point I'm trying to make. I don't discuss my past with ex either. I wait on all of the mind fuckery until I'm IN a relationship with someone. So, only my fSO knows what I went through.

The gay stuff is my present. Not my past.

Dunno. Off OLD for now, no one interesting is on right now.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you know right away if you like a guy enough for dating? I need to meet someone several times to see their energy in many settings to see if I really like them. I am testing my own pleasure in their presence. I want to see if food tastes good when I eat with them, or if I can enjoy nature when I walk outside with them, if I can delight in music when I am in their presence. I want to see how I can experience pleasure in their presence. It would cut off that discovery process to go right to challenging conversations in the first 3-5 dates.

Dating is about pleasure. To see if you can have it with that person. Many you just can't.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I am a very much immediate "yes/no" person with dating. But, with that said, I've tried to go on a few more dates with guys I felt "no" for...just to make sure. My opinions don't change.

And, generally, I've thought "no" before I've even met them. I generally get a pretty good sense of who I am going to "click" with online. So far, no surprises...

There has been only one guy I would have liked to have seen again (that didn't work out) from OLD. He did contact me after our first date and we chatted, but he travelled for work and when he was home, had his children. His time was very limited and I don't think he was ready to rearrange things for a relationship, so it just puttered out.

My only "real" relationship post S was with a guy that came with a huge set of baggage and was not ready to date. We were each other's "firsts" and it was a slow build. I knew right away I would click with him, and he confessed later he fell in love the first time we hung out as friends. We both knew we shouldn't, but we ended up together. It went on for about 5 months and then it was a mutual end. He and I occasionally run into each other, but he is going through women like tissues right now. I want no part of him any longer.

When I met my ex, it was the same way...immediate interest, and he pursued me like crazy. We were engaged 5 months later.

I'm like that with girlfriends too. I know right away if we are going to hit it off...and I have a strong and close supportive network of amazing friends.

I'm still processing this too...


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
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