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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Don't know if i can do this - personal and tmi
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 3:09 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really love my H. I really want this to work out but I don't see how it possibly can the way I am reacting.

I thought I was making progress but yesterday h gave me a written account of what had happened and it feels like dday again.

I can't stand the thought of him touching her. For 18 years it was only us. He did some bad facebook flirting once before but no other physical contact.

I wanted all the details of the affair as my imagination was running in overdrive. Now I wish I could unknow it - kind of, I think my imagination would have driven me crazy too. I have bipolar and I am just not strong enough to deal with this,

My problem is with my body. We had weeks of hb and the sex was great. we stopped for my period and now I struggle to even wash myself between my legs as I imagine him masturbating her. It's truly killing me. Even on the loo I can't look at myself or touch myself. I can't imagine ever willingly touching myself or being touched again. IF I could sew myself up I would.

She is 6 years my junior and hasn't had kids. I stupidly asked what she was like 'down there' and he told me from what he could tell, it was dark, that she was like a teen, all neat and tidy (he didn't want to sound odd but he said her bits were just too neat)great so he loves my battered mummy bp mess of a body - yeah right.

He is trying so hard but the rage I feel towards him is scaring me.How could he do this to me. I have been with him since I was 17 and have honestly never looked at another bloke since.

How could he do this to me and how the hell do I get over it so we can R????

I can't afford counselling and even for my bipolar I am waiting a year to see a psychologist. I only see my shrink every few months and the mental health care where I live is abysmal. I don't even have a cpn.

I am spending my days scared to shut my eyes cos the movies hit. Scared he will try and touch me cos I know I will flinch and hate every moment.

I feel like I am breaking here and I know you can't really help but I needed to tell someone.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
scissorhands
♀ Member
Member # 34831
Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no advice to you.

I just see that you have a lot on your plate.
Please continue to try and find someone independent you can talk to.

Be gentle with yourself. You are strong but in trauma.


DDay 12/02/2011
WH signed up for sleazy dating sites while working away for a month at a time. Discovered before any physical contact was made.

Posts: 231 | Registered: Feb 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:17 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((olwen)))))))

I've been sitting here trying to think of something to say...some words of wisdom that will help you...and I just can't. I so completely understand how you're feeling. I remember the early days..that agony,disbelief,horror,and that rage. I felt it for a very long time. Time will help.


((((((((olwen))))))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7679 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Flatlined123
♀ Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

olwen, I don't have any magic words of wisdom for you either.

Just know we're all here for you and we understand what you're going through.

Stay strong (((((olwen)))))


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 677 | Registered: Jun 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard to write this convincingly, and it's harder to believe, but...

In isolation, I don't like my W's stretch marks from pregnancy, BUT - BUT - BUT: 1) half the responsibility is mine, and 2) there's more to people and relationships than what one's eyes take in.

I see all of her, over many years. I KNOW she's 68 and looks it to me, but my brain has an immense number of images stored and accessible. I see her at every age since she was 20, when we met. Another thing - I don't like the stretch marks visually, but they represent a big part of relationship emotionally - a visual sign of he length and depth of being together.

I may be a little harsh, but why would you want to stay with a boy who can't see deeper than the surface? Maybe he's a man who really does love you and see the whole you, not just the ravages of age.

BTW, how do you feel about being in your 60s?

[This message edited by sisoon at 8:03 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you told your psychiatrist that you're in a personal crisis yet? It's normal to have anxiety, anger, sadness and a host of other feelings right now.

Were you in a stable period before this? Infidelity cause PTSD could very well trigger a manic or depressive episode for you. When I'm going through a difficult situation I try to follow the basics:

1) 8-9 hours of sleep a day, no more/no less (nap may be necessary)
2) 3 nourishing meals
3) reduce caffeine intake and all other stimulants
4) bathe every day without fail
5) basic grooming (hair & teeth) even when I don't feel like it
6) relaxation breathing (in through nose/out through mouth often)
7) drink lots of water
8) focus on hobbies or work
9) get support, on here and IRL

Everywhere in the western world there are free crisis lines. I have used them extensively. They can also point you in the direction of other services and support.

Take very good care of yourself right now.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone,
all I am managing is to stay on top of housework, care for my son, bathe and do my teeth and meds. Food is out of the question, I gag as soon as it's in my mouth but I am fat anyway so it won't hurt me. Living on slim fast, tea and juice.

I am definitely in a depression. Got about 4 hrs sleep last night with him sleeping soundly next to me. Right now we are in a heatwave and I am sat here shivering, wtf is that about?

He is being very kind and supportive but I just don't feel I can go on much longer like this. The pain is taking over.

Just got my next psych appointment in the post - October!!! I last saw him in april the day after dday 1 and he said come back when you're over this crisis cos it's hard to monitor bp when under stress! He did double my meds though.

Sadly in the middle of all this I lost my dad at 66 yrs, too young and preventable. It was pneumonia and none of us kids knew. H found him dead in bed. He had been there 4 days.

I really just want the world to stop for a while so I can rest.


Together 19yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr2013 pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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