Having some mixed emotions right now. Our youngest kiddo just graduated college and moved away to pursue his career. I've been cleaning out closets, the basement, and everywhere else. Tonight I began to go through old keepsakes so that I could make a box of special mementos for each of our sons: I just spent the last 2 hours going through all of the notes, cards, and letters my H and I wrote before, during, and after his A.
It was bittersweet to read the breezy, innocent, and naive things we penned to one another over 30 years ago. But reading all the correspondence between us during the A and the false R, made me so sad and full of regret for all we went through and lost along the way. We are fully R'd now, so I guess I was a little surprised at the emotions that hit me. The loving notes and cards my H gave me during the False R were the hardest to read. I just feel a little empty and melancholy right now.
I was actually perplexed at how hard those things were to finally throw away. I can't fully explain it, but I think I hung on to those false declarations of commitment and unwavering love as some sort of "safety net." It was like as long as I had them, I could remind myself and my H of exactly how betrayed I was and totally crazy he was, and that would somehow keep me/us safe. I know that's not true. I know I'm safe now because I can take care of myself, and because I trust my M and my H, but it felt more frightening and painful to toss those physical reminders than I expected.
No real questions or advice seeking; just putting my thoughts out there in a safe place. For those of you who are not fully R'd, don't let this post bring you down or make you nervous of what "life on the other side" looks like. This is just another rite of passage in a really blessed and wonderful life. My M is good, we are healed, but every now and then the scars ache a bit