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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: We are telling my parents tonight...feeling sick
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We don't want to do this. We NEED to do this bc my niece knows. I realize this is not an ideal reason for telling my parents (whom she has lived with and where we stay when we visit the province) but if it gets to them from her rather then us...well, I would rather that not happen.

Lots of butterflies in my belly...my heart is in my throat. Please think of us and send some good vibes, thoughts and prayers (if you pray) our way.

Thank you.
LA


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2288 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck!

I had to tell my Mom. I also had to come up with some very firm boundaries with her as I knew she would be questioning my actions at every turn and my H's as well. It really helped by having a very frank conversation with her and giving her very specific things that she could/could not do from the beginning, and letting her know that I just wanted her to be supportive of me no matter what I was doing in my M.

Good luck!


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Digb! We will make clear that we don't want to be anyone's anecdote. My dad is great that way. My mom...I worry about. My sister totally f'd up and told at least 6 people including her 17 year old daughter. Brillant. Thanks sis! I will never tell her anything of consequence again. If she hadn't told her daughter, we would not be telling my parents.

And if anyone here recalls a post called, Here's how you do it - telling inlaws (or something to that effect - please let me know what forum it was on.

[This message edited by LA44 at 5:01 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2288 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my mother. I didn't want to, but she saw my copy of 'Not Just Friends' when she was staying with us to help after my youngest son was born. She didn't ask, but I knew she would wonder and it would be this nasty thing between us trying to keep it a secret. It had been almost 8 months since DDay. We both cried. We had a long, heartfelt conversation. I made sure she knew that I processed the information and I made the decision to stay (I hadn't been forced or guilted into making it). I gave her some details of the work we (he) is doing as we move forward together. And, we prayed (cause that's just what we do). It took an immense weight off my shoulders having her know. I hope you have a positive outcome too. Prayers your way.

Posts: 1078 | Registered: Jan 2013
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I told my mom and my dad (seperately), and the other people in my life I was "informing them" of the state of our M, not asking for advice, just wanting their support for the reconciliation process.

It really is a "private matter" but since they are part of my support circle I thought we should let them in, but with clear boundaries. I wanted to avoid meddling. We presented a united front, gave no details except to conclude that were working on our M since the A. For me, the rest is on a need-to-know basis.

Good luck. Please do away with shame. Ms are not perfect (and neither are the f-ed up people we married). I spoke to one of my oldest friends in the world today, to ask about his experience with infidelity (they are D, mad hatters) and he wanted me to know that infidelity is way more common than we realize, especially in longer relationships (according to him) and we don't find out how many of our friend's and family's Ms have been affected by this until it happens to us.

[This message edited by Knowing at 5:09 PM, July 17th, 2013 (Wednesday)]


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 698 | Registered: Oct 2012
Reality
♀ Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs, LA. I hope everything goes exactly the way that would be easiest for you.

My Dad was great when he found out and took the opportunity to take me aside, just the two of us and ask bluntly, "Honey, are you done with him?" When I said, "Not yet, Dad. I want to see where this goes." He nodded and has taken time to interact with WH since, just the two of them. My WH thinks the world of my dad and it meant a lot to him.

My mom, on the other hand, can't be in the same room with WH without spitting venom in his direction. It seems to be all about her being angry he isn't treating one of her possessions correctly. Yeah, she's pretty borderline NPD in how she views people and their value. FUN.

Deep breaths, LA. It will help that you two go in as an united front.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mojo headed your way LA.

You will be ok.

Hugs


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3807 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At the pool with my girls...just a quick note of support for you both!!! Inspiring that you both agree this tough task is something to be tended to....and the fact that you are tending to this together is AWESOME!

God be with you both.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3686 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending you good thoughts. You are strong enough for this.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Back from the pool...Praying for you both intentionally and specifically. I asked my wife to too...was a nice feeling for me to do this....thanks for the opportunity to engage my wife in with a peaceful venture!

I have a feeling this is going to result in many good things for your whole family.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3686 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay...I finally slowed down enough to read the others posts....

I had to set firm boundaries with my Mom too...but it works! I don't confide in my Mom with many details...but it is nice when she asks how I am doing and I answer in generalities. In several ways this sharing with my Mom is improving my relationship with her.

Truth has power....and that power should not be feared.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3686 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This...
In several ways this sharing with my Mom is improving my relationship with her.

and this too blakesteele

Truth has power....and that power should not be feared.

and from Knowing...I used this tonight.

When I told my mom and my dad (seperately), and the other people in my life I was "informing them" of the state of our M, not asking for advice, just wanting their support for the reconciliation process.

Thank you friends!

[This message edited by LA44 at 9:52 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2288 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wishing all in your family a peaceful rest tonight. (always really...but tonight specifically).


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3686 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((LA)))

Hoping it went well. Sending strength and good thoughts.


Posts: 35238 | Registered: Mar 2011
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Much mojo sent your way!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4805 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking of you, LA44!

We have not told my parents about the A, but did tell them about WH's parents abusing and abandoning him.

I realized that they could only handle a little of this very dark news at a time. They came across as bordering on uncaring, but I think it's more that this stuff is really depressing and worrisome so they get overwhelmed emotionally.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 16

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