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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wheee, went down the damn rabbit hole
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The damn rabbit hole. Stay out of the f-ing rabbit hole.

I guess the last couple of days showed me a couple of things: A)The damage lingers deep inside for a while. B) I still need to work on allowing myself to trust.

Long story long, JNRPA is up in Washington with the family. I will be joining them in about two more weeks, but for now we have been separated for two weeks as I finish up some work down here in Phoenix.

I am staying with one of my oldest friends. He happens to be a wayward who blew his marriage up and is now divorced. I remain friends with his wife and they alternate spending time with our family as our children essentially grew up together.

Yesterday I went down the rabbit hole. There was really no reason to. R has been great. She has been texting me daily and we have been talking nearly every day.

But sure as shit, the comparisons started up in my head. When she was in her long distance affair, calling him was the first and last thing she did every day. I get a call a day, and it's not all about love and roses, it's about problems with the new house, problems with the kids, etc. (that's an exaggeration..but that's how I was feeling).

So for no good reason, all the affair shit starts going through my head, anger comes back, resentment, mistrust.

I haven't done this in a while but I went online to check texting and phone calls. I notice three texts at midnight on the bill, and don't recognize the number. And sure as shit, panic sets in. Then I spend the rest of the day analyzing every damn number over the past six months. Turns out the midnight text was actually with her cousin about the kids playing together today (confirmed..and it was at 11:00, not 12...verizon had the time screwed up).

But really Wonderboy? I sent her a terse text last night and then refused to pick up her call. I again didn't answer this morning and was terse with her this morning via text.

The sad thing was, I knew that she hadn't done anything, and I knew that my fear and anger were irrational. Friggin stupid to waste almost two days simmering in rage, over nothing.

So I called her this morning, embarrassed. At least I was able to articulate my feelings, and that I knew that they were not related to anything she had done recently, and that this was my issue.

I know she is getting it, because she didn't get defensive about her behavior, all she did was apologize for putting these fears in me.

Ugggg, after 18 months, learning to trust is still difficult. I guess I am getting there. I did recognize that my anger/fear were misplaced an imaginary. But crap, I just wish that I could keep myself from even going there in the first place.

Sigh, with time I guess.
I could be getting whiny, I miss my wife and kids.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTDT-

The sad thing was, I knew that she hadn't done anything, and I knew that my fear and anger were irrational. Friggin stupid to waste almost two days simmering in rage, over nothing.

I remember sitting at home waiting for pic texts a very triggery site my H was at with a friend. Trembling, crying and waiting for something I knew I would get. And did.

But that knowledge STILL did not change the 'fear' that I might not get it. If that makes sense.

It happens. You went there. So have, many, many of us.

Apologize. Get back on the horse.

[This message edited by redrock at 3:43 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3151 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((wonderboy)))

You're doing ok. This rabbit hole stuff happens... I think for a long time. Hopefully the trigger feelings ebb faster than before. I know that is always an encouraging sign for me.


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16330 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WB-

Nobody's perfect. It happens to me too. You learn from it and you process things as they come.

I have had to learn that I have to address concerns like these right when they come up. Otherwise inside my head they just grow into something, dare I say, irrational. You were insecure and needed some assurance. If your W is like mine she understands that I need that sometimes. I can't expect her to always notice so I have to ask.

It really helps when my W approaches these times with humility. It shows you that I can let go of a little bit of the fear each time. Extend the trust a little further.

Anyway, just saying I understand. You get up dust yourself off and head back out there. It is all you can really do.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2538 | Registered: May 2010
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks gang. It was just so stupid.

But my wife did handle it really well, and apologized for putting the crazy in me, and told me to get on a plane tomorrow night and come home for the weekend. I am not going to but I am super tempted.

I think I am going to see if I can finish up by next friday so I can get home a week early. This shit sucks.
(not to mention it's Phoenix in July vs. 80 degrees in Washington state)


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Almost went down the rabbit hole tonight during a conversation with fWH about his whereabouts yesterday afternoon. I'm only slightly suspicious of the circumstances and mostly it's due to lack of trust, which is normal. Decided to wait and see, trust my gut... I decided that "if he's still cheating, I'll find out eventually" so there was no point in getting all worked up and ruining a nice afternoon at the park with my semi-irrational fears.

It worked. You know, for now. Today I skirted the edge of the rabbit hole, I guess. Thanks for giving me a name for that phenomenon.


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh boy...do I know that phenomenon well..and also like the name for it. It sucks as I had well over 25 years without even one drop of that or any thought of not trusting. I'm sure that being separated is making it all worse. I'm glad you are feeling better a couple days later...hope you get to see your W and the family sooner than later.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 28, 25, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 293 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. The rabbit hole sucks. But it's oddly alluring. Just typing "rabbit hole" makes me want to unblock some people on Facebook and stalk. I'm resisting because I know it'll make me sick inside. Fucking rabbit hole. Why do we go there when we know it'll just hurt us? Sorry wonderboy. ((HUGS))


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6529 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
TryingEveryday
♂ New Member
Member # 39429
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Wonderboy. Man do I know the rabbit hole as well, as do most of us. But at least you can look back and recognize it. One thing though, don't apologize too much for going there. Why did you fall down? Because you were given a reason to. If your wife hadn't of done what she did, then you wouldn't have a rabbit hole to fall into! But I give her credit too. Her apology for giving you that reason and those fears was exactly the right thing to do. Shows remorse and humility. I go down that hole, and my wife has the same response. It helps. Good luck to you.


Me - BS - 46
Her - WW - 38 (2 ONS)
Five kids:
DD20, DD18, DD17, DS16, DS16
D Day - Dec 24, 2012 -
R - 12 months and going extremely well.

Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Montana
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only time I ever thought of cheating was when I was scheduled to be away from home for 8 weeks. I went home at 4 and found out my only problem was loneliness.

Separations are very hard. I encourage you to think again about this weekend. From what you write, my bet is that you'll flourish as soon as you see W & kids.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9738 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 10

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