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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Resentment
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If a WS really is that committed and strong, has changed, and is remorseful, then why are so many BS's struggling so many years later? It must be a fixation on past events, or lingering trust issues from past events.

if they're like me, they're waiting for the dreaded passing of time to make an impact on their day to day life. Sometimes we don't know it's a dealbreaker until months/years later.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5274 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with wonderboy. Once my husband found his footing, he's helped me immensely. He's shown a lot of strength and growth too. I didn't give him credit in my previous post, and I should have. It's not all been me and me alone.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wert, great thread. Re-evaluating some baggage to see why I think it's worth hanging onto.

t/j rachelc, what are you doing for you with that time? t/j


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2989 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just living my life- kids raised, career good, friends good, traveling, competing and officiating at swim meets, did a couple triathlons..,,going to MC and IC. Just , you know, profoundly disappointed in romantic life....


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5274 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nice start wert...

Why does it feel so meh then....

EXACTLY that!!!.... once the resentment/angst or "processing pain" acutely stage passed... i just kinda got to.... well... indifferent. and that too generally indifferent. 'whatevs', none of that "yeah, I be awesome on the other side, I am growing and learning etc... etc.." I tended to be like that about most things earlier. Now... not so much, specially not so much at all about the M or the W or relationship related. and its not troubling me, I'm fine by it, I'll live (well most days, I will)

and Sal, yeah

Problem here Sal, is that you are assuming that the BS's who are struggling years later have a remorseful spouse

its not about dealbreakers either. read the thread down at ICR, "those who decide to stay".

its horrific and its not singularly about fear or any other shit on its own (kids, finances, societal, comfort, homes etc... etc...). for some of us, it.just.is. The remorseless WS isn't like mr Hyde. isn't exactly the godawful WS from hell. but isn't any better than a dry-adulterer either. it could be CA/EU/PA/NPD or a variety of other abbreviations. sometimes people *want* to suck and dont EVER see it in themselves, no matter they try to cover for it through a gazillion other ways rather than focusing on the one thing they should *really* be looking at... hard to explain.

dunno where I am going with this so I'll stop.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:34 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dixie -
I was very resentful due to the other traumas and crisis I've experienced. I already knew life can blindside you. I was just getting over a major hurdle and learning and growing and things are looking up -- boom -- right back down in mud again

I guess my last post was addressing this exact point. Yes there is up or down, but they are both equal in life it's only the value we assign bad and good times that matter. If you can step back from it all, a tall order, you can start to see that life isn't out to get you, nor is getting kicked in the gut something to be angry about, its life telling you something. You gig is to figure it out.


Wonderboy -

and while my wife was pretty damn unremorseful for the first six months, I am amazed at the strength and commitment that she showed in the following year dealing with reconciliation. I am still very proud of her.

Mine too and boy did I rage. In retrospect it was the right thing to do. I was full righteous indignation and well in the moment that is what I needed. My W has also turned that corner. Letting go of resentment I think is my path to feeling I am proud of her. I logically know I am, but the feeling isn't there yet and I think its because I have continued to harbor resentment. Guess that's why I started this thread. I want to be proud. My story needs my pride in who I am M'd to. It's not the focus of my life, but I want to be proud of my relationships and have them have meaning. It's very easy for me to say that she never got kicked down and just took off with entitlement. It's what actually happened in my case. That said, the aftermath of this stuff has been a huge kick down to her. Her world changed and I can see that. It's why I am giving her another roll of the dice. And let's be honest here, that is all it is, that all anything really ever is. Lessons are learned in context and we would all be wiser if we can listen close enough to other peoples context and understand that theirs is not ours.

noescape -

once the resentment/angst or "processing pain" acutely stage passed... i just kinda got to.... well... indifferent. and that too generally indifferent.

That's getting down to the bowels of it now. The raging part, anger and overt resentment, are the easy parts - for me at least. I do anger really well and am very happy about it. Its release and healthy. All I mean by that is those emotions are great to feel because they are clear, right and direct. Once that passes your left to pick through the piece of little angers and little resentments. I was Meh then also. I don't want to be. I don't want that to be my story. I won't let it be. It is important to know that a person chooses to be in that place. It's hard as hell to work through, but we can all do it.

Deal breaker. That term. Often here I have her it expressed as some sort of destination or pre-determined fact. It's a choice and we all need to make it for ourselves - living with the consequences either way.

take care....

[This message edited by wert at 7:56 AM, July 18th (Thursday)]



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes there is up or down, but they are both equal in life it's only the value we assign bad and good times that matter. If you can step back from it all, a tall order, you can start to see that life isn't out to get you, nor is getting kicked in the gut something to be angry about, its life telling you something. You gig is to figure it out.

This sounds familiar. A guy on this forum who shall remain nameless (.....shh it was WAL...) once wrote:

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life.

A catchy little tune, and accurate.

It's very easy for me to say that she never got kicked down and just took off with entitlement. It's what actually happened in my case. That said, the aftermath of this stuff has been a huge kick down to her. Her world changed and I can see that. It's why I am giving her another roll of the dice.

I can say the same thing. I had had life lessons, lots of them. (maybe I'm just a slow learner). It seemed to me that my husband was a skater. Life was always so easy for him. (obviously that was not true). Truth be told, I was bitter and jealous about that for a lot of years prior to dday. Life kicked him hard on this one. He got an advanced course and it seemed like he flew past me and was making great strides, while I was floundering and for a while I resented that too.

I am proud of him and I'm also proud of myself. Not saying it was all stellar moments to be proud of, but we learned from it all. Hope we continue to learn.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Resentments are hard to let go of. Heck I still am a little pissed at my buddy that left me two towns over at a bar once 15 years ago.

IDK. The resentment makes things easier to organize. They did bad, I resent the feelings I have to deal with now. Their consequences ? Who cares. They got to make the choice, I didn't. So I am left with my self indignation and putting them into their place so I can feel superior and righteous. It can be hard to break that cycle.

For me the path I am trying is to rebuild my self confidence. The better I feel about myself the easier it becomes for the resentment to morph into a form of pity (for lack of a better term).

It is odd, but this has led me to a path of feeling sorry for someone who really hurt me. The internal messages are like " Well as long as they suffer for their choices. In a real concrete way, not just saying that they do." I try to rewire my brain to think, "They messed up my life ? No they messed up their own life. My life is just fine." It doesn't always work.

Anyway, I guess I still have some resentment. I keep it locked up with my other junk that I keep around in case it suddenly becomes useful. (e.g.,- hubcaps for a car I no longer own, satellite receivers that don't do DVR or HD, etc.)


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2559 | Registered: May 2010
1Faith
♀ Member
Member # 38975
Funny  Posted: 11:43 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

~ LETTING GO ~

~ To let go doesn't mean to stop caring:
it means I can't do it for someone else.

~ To let go is not to cut myself off;
it is the realization that I can't control another.

~ To let go is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

~ To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

~ To let go is not to try to change or blame another;
I can only change myself.

~ To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.

~ To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

~ To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

~ To let go is not to be in the middle arranging outcomes,
but to allow others to effect their own outcomes.

~ To let go is not to be protective;
it is to permit another to face reality.

~ To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

~ To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and to correct them

~ To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and to cherish the moment.

~ To let go is not to criticize and regulate anyone,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

~ To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

~ To let go is to fear less and love more.

Let go today and free yourself...


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1201 | Registered: Apr 2013
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 18th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can look back now and say a turning point was when I stopped asking him How could you do this to ME? Instead I asked How could you do this to YOURSELF? After that my focus changed again to How did I allow this to happen to myself? The resentment aimed at myself was as large as the resentment towards my husband.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Topic Posts: 30
Pages: 1 · 2

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