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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Resentment
wert
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Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Burns your soul and is just about worthless, certainly in the long term. I have let go of a lot but have been holding on to a silly little slice.

She has wasted so much of my time with this stupid childish stunt. I have had to alter my path to help her correct her shit.

I think I have taken and learn what I can from this tragedy. Whenever I feel or think that resentment I will repeat this to myself. I have addressed it.

Letting it go...

take care...



Posts: 1432 | Registered: Jan 2012
Garnet
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Member # 39070
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Letting it go is what is best for us!!! I have wasted a lot of time on this too, time that we will never get back!! Not only wasted time, but changed us and everything we believed our life to be....... Be happy!!! Waste no more time!!


Garnet☀

Posts: 84 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: MA
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember this sentiment, wert. I've felt it in my bones -- all of that goddamned wasted time from your bullshit!

It felt like wasted time. Like I'd put my life on hold. Like what I should have been anticipating during those years -- sons graduating from high school, starting college, etc. -- was usurped by her self-serving and destructive actions. That's because I was still focused on what I had "lost". I was still clinging to a worldview of what life was supposed to look like in various seasons of my life.

I wasn't actually robbed of anything tangible. Just a dream of what life might have been like.

What I had to do was, once again, redirect the narrative. It wasn't time that I lost or wasted; it was that time during which I learned that I could rely on myself. It was that time that I learned I'm stronger, more capable, and more resilient in the face of trauma than I had believed previously.

It was that time I learned that character comes through the fire. It was that time I learned I'm up to the task. It was that time I was tested and came out of it with my core self intact.

It was that time that life tried to kill me, but I not only survived and endured, I fought my way free.

The best lesson you can learn from this tragedy: I'm enough. In fact, I'm pretty badass. When tested, I excelled. I demonstrated that I was made of stern stuff. The right stuff.

I'm sure that our grandparents' generation felt like they had better things to do with their lives (like going to college, getting married, raising kids, getting the next harvest in, etc.) than get mired in five years of war in Europe and the South Pacific. I'm sure some of them felt like those were going to be lost/wasted years because of someone else's selfishness.

But that's not how we remember them. We redirected their narrative from "look what we had to sacrifice just because some people were assholes" to "look at what we *won*. Look at what we proved ourselves to be."

(That's been somewhat deconstructed subsequently by johnny-come-lately historians who aren't happy unless they're pointing out the flaws in someone else's decision-making, but what are you gonna do? Haters gonna hate, and most haters would have just sat there shitting their pants while the people they're criticizing were being decisive. But that's a digression. )


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6750 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
AFrayedKnot
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Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way about the "wasted time". Lately I am feeling the trauma of the trauma. Not really thinking about the A's. But thinking about how much I was trapped in thinking about them all last year.

I am feeling the financial repercussion of not being able to work. I am feeling the family repercussions of not being able to participate with my children. I amfeeling the social repercussions of not being able to maintain friendships.

I am truly seeing how certifiably crazy i was during year 1.

But at the same time I see w_a_l point about it not being wasted. It was a time if personal growth. And I have come out of it a stronger healthier person. Now that I have the new stronger me it is time to rebuild all the collateral damage of the collateral damage.

[This message edited by Chicho at 9:55 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2647 | Registered: Aug 2012
idiot85
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Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Wincing.

Every time I feel myself slipping I remind myself this is my life, I'm not waiting for something this is it. All the good things... And the bad.

I've been hurt and shocked and shook up but- I'm still here- watching my children grow, working, laughing whatever... There's no doubt precious months of my life have been ruined but I will not allow someone elses actions ruin my life. This is mine, I'll probably only get one shot at it

[This message edited by idiot85 at 10:15 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
wert
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Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WAL - Salient points all.

When I said:

I think I have taken and learn what I can from this tragedy.

I meant just those things. It is the reminder to myself that I have learned and and I am better despite the trials. In fact, I would go a step further an say that this whole mess has forced me to face a harsh reality: we learn best through loss, pain and tragedy. In many ways we don't need to learn until those trials come around. That's life teaching us who we are, what we are made of...and I must say, I think I kick ass.

From my mindfulness side I am aware that time is just time and value it only something we apply to it. That's the narrative. My values still apply and they were pretty solid.

take care...



Posts: 1432 | Registered: Jan 2012
rachelc
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Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wert - I get what you're saying about resentment and I agree. but learning something and growing from all this is different.
What I learned - people can fuck up, again and again. You can't trust anyone. Most men are pigs. Guard your heart. Trust your gut. You can't be happy all the time. Make your own happiness.

Really? If this is the lesson I was supposed to learn its so damn disappointing. Where is the good stuff?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5329 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Sal1995
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's no doubt precious months of my life have been ruined but I will not allow someone elses actions ruin my life.

I85, I agree 100% with this statement and it's what I've been telling myself for over a month now. I refuse to allow someone else's choices and behaviors to ruin my life, especially when that someone appears 100% committed to righting the wrong and fixing her mess. When that someone is a spouse or close family member, it makes it very difficult. But you have to soldier on. I didn't do anything wrong, my conscience is clear. The demons should be in her head, not in mine. My job is to either cut her loose or to stay with her and help her overcome her issues and become a better person, wife and mother. I lived almost 26 years before I even knew she existed, and if necessary I can live the rest of my life without her.

Easier said than done. But a good viewpoint I think.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 11:04 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1462 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

people can fuck up, again and again. You can't trust anyone. Most men are pigs. Guard your heart. Trust your gut. You can't be happy all the time. Make your own happiness.

rachel - I would argue that is the narrative you a taking away from this. Those are the stories you are applying to your lessons. You are choosing that.

When you break those down you can look at them a lot of different ways.

people can fuck up, again and again. - yep they do and they can still change. We all do.

You can't trust anyone. - That is a generalization that IMO is not true. My best male friend of 25 years has not betrayed me. He and his W stuck my both myself and my W through all this. Some can be trusted. Moreover, do you want to live your life not trusting anyone and constantly afraid? or are you going to be brave and love again. It does not have to be the same person.

Most men are pigs. - I don't have an assessment on what you think a pig is, but does it really matter if most are? Find the ones that aren't and give them the time of day.

Guard your heart. - That is fair, but I would argue if you don't let anyone is what is the point of having relationships at all. IMO it's more about learning to trust your instincts again and paying attention to what people do who you love and trust to make sure they are continuing to behave in accordance with their values.

Trust your gut. - great lesson and true

You can't be happy all the time. - No one every has been and learning to turn it around when you aren't may just be the secrete to life.

Make your own happiness. Another great lesson.

Really? If this is the lesson I was supposed to learn its so damn disappointing. Where is the good stuff?

Much of life is disappointment. What are you doing to change that for yourself?

Be the hero of your own story.

but learning something and growing from all this is different.

Yes it is. I can confidently say this. I have learned the truth about many things just as you have and I now am applying them in my daily life in two fundamental ways. First, I listen closely to people that are close to me and watch even closer what they do. I am present. This I have confidence will allow me to do the best I can to detect betrayal and dishonesty. Second, I know I will fail and I accept that. I am not perfect but I don't need to be. I need to be me. IMO so do you.

take care...



Posts: 1432 | Registered: Jan 2012
redrock
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Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I refuse to allow someone else's choices and behaviors to ruin my life, especially when that someone appears 100% committed to righting the wrong and fixing her mess.

I guess I will always have trouble with the idea that my partner didn't blow both our lives up with his choices. I don't know how you un- invest in a lifetime of shared experiences and goals.

I don't know how to measure that loss, except that it was here one day and gone the next. We made vows, one of us kept them. One of us didn't. And the acts that cemented that choice threw us into a shit vortex that it took us years to climb out of.

I can recognize that some of my core beliefs about myself, my husband and the marriage were flawed. That I may have had an 'idealized' expectation of what our lives were and should be.

But that loss was keenly felt. Even as the pragmatic side of me sees all that has been gained through this process. I absolutely know my H and myself better now. We are closer than we have even been.

Then the question to be asked is when does it become self indulgent to feed the beast. To acknowledge the 'loss' in the improved M- years on? Does it make me a wistful whiner to mourn something that I can't even verify in other relationships that I am surrounded by?

idk. But the sting can still take my breath away. I wish I was more evolved. But I am not.

[This message edited by redrock at 1:46 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
Sal1995
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I will always have trouble with the idea that my partner didn't blow both our lives up with his choices. I don't know how you un- invest in a lifetime of shared experiences and goals.

No doubt, and I can't speak for anyone else but I don't consider myself un-invested in our more than 18 years together. But I'm not investing in that horrible ten month period from April 2012 to February 2013. She can have that, I'll keep the years before that and the 5 months of recovery we've had since.

I don't know how to measure that loss, except that it was here one day and gone the next. We made vows, one of us kept them.

I understand completely. But I also understand that no amount of mental torment and anguish is going to change one damn thing that's already happened. Your vows were shattered, so were mine. That's why I pulled down all the wedding pictures in the house. But vows can be renewed, new promises can be made. Or the vows can be considered irretrievably broken and new vows can be made in the future with some other person who hopefully won't break your heart. Unfortunately the new partner also has to be selected from a pool of flawed human beings.

Yesterday I played hooky to catch Despicable Me 2 with the wife and kids. I had to drive right by a restaurant that my wife and her AP frequented during their nooners. Even a month ago I'd divert my eyes when passing the interstate exit where that restaurant is located.

But yesterday I stared the restaurant down as I drove past. My attitude was that it was just a restaurant, and I have never done anything in or around it that I'm ashamed of. If anyone should divert her eyes or feel tightness in her chest when she drives by that place, it's my wife. My innocence releases me. We ended up having a great time together with our kids. One month ago that wouldn't have been possible.

This is now my approach. I'm reclaiming good memories from last year, and refuse to write off this year because I was going through hell in the early months. It's imperfect, but seems to help.

Wert, sorry for the t/j but I think this is relevant to the topic of your post.

What I had to do was, once again, redirect the narrative.

Sage advice as usual, WAL. I think that's what I'm trying to do. I'm still in the trial-and-error phase.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 1:49 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1462 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best lesson you can learn from this tragedy: I'm enough. In fact, I'm pretty badass. When tested, I excelled. I demonstrated that I was made of stern stuff. The right stuff.

well, hell WAL, I knew that BEFORE everything that went down. I had the most stressful 18 months of my life and didn't use my usual coping mechanisms to survive. I gutted it out and found new ways to thrive. Why does it feel so meh then....


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5329 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
redrock
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Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not disagreeing with any of the perspectives on the thread. Just wondering if there is room in the mix for a more tattered version of 'out the other side'.

I may be AIRBORNE, but I am not the perfect R badass. I think that is pretty obvious.

But I also understand that no amount of mental torment and anguish is going to change one damn thing that's already happened

No it can't be changed.

In order to say that I am healed, must I also say that it doesn't hurt sometimes?

Does that make me weak or somehow disloyal to who we are now that I feel residual pain occasionally?

Does it make me any less devoted soldiering on and putting the infidelity in the rear view mirror?

I sure as heck hope not. Because if it does then am doing it wrong.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3157 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
needsomehelp14
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Member # 28631
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a great topic - keep posting people!

3.5 years out from D-Day and every single day I live in resentment and anger - and I know it only holds me back, but I either can't find the key, or I have the key and just don't know how the damn lock works.

Thank you all for your submissions - each perspective has value.


BS (44) Me
FWW (46) Her
FOM (45) Her Co-worker/My friend
8+ year A
Married 17 years
D-day 2-26-10
A ended 9/08

"When the game is over, I won't walk out the loser, and I know that I'll walk out of here again"


Posts: 335 | Registered: May 2010
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Redrock -

But that loss was keenly felt. Even as the pragmatic side of me sees all that has been gained through this process. I absolutely know my H and myself better now. We are closer than we have even been.

Then the question to be asked is when does it become self indulgent to feed the beast. To acknowledge the 'loss' in the improved M- years on? Does it make me a wistful whiner to mourn something that I can't even verify in other relationships that I am surrounded by?

When I talk about letting go of resentment I don't look for a reason other than for myself. My M is not better than ever. I don't know my W better. I was on the right track to start with. She is better I will admit. My letting for a resentment if for myself only and not because or despite her. I'm not trying to gain closure on the events of the past, only accepting them as having happened and being powerless to change them.

What was your loss? Innocence? The perfect M? My goal was never those things. I knew they didn't exist. The loss I feel is my loss to let go of not my W's. The lessons I have learned are not that my M is better and that I have gained something with my W, but instead I gained something for me. I know I can turn it around through just about anything. I can face the facts no matter how hard. I am enough in this world and can be content with my failed self. Those are things I have gained not a better M. This is my journey, not hers or even ours.

Sal -

This is now my approach. I'm reclaiming good memories from last year, and refuse to write off this year because I was going through hell in the early months. It's imperfect, but seems to help.

Wert, sorry for the t/j but I think this is relevant to the topic of your post.

Not off topic at all. Dead on. Facing those things is the acceptance that this is your life now. It sucks rocks for a while that you know the person you should have been able to lean on caused it, but for me after a while I came to the conclusion that it can happen at any time. Bad things happen to good people all the time. There is an expression in counseling circles saying to "lean into the pain." It's part of accepting the full catastrophe of life, both good and bad as equals in our education. No value on either. While it's all Jungian and shit, the under current of truth doesn't hold value or blame. It just is. Realizing that is helping me let go. Something awful happened, my W has changed her ways and I need to move on otherwise it just impacts me negatively.

redrock -

Just wondering if there is room in the mix for a more tattered version of 'out the other side'.

Hell's yeah. That is where our personal narratives come in. We all tell ourselves the story of our lives. If yours needs to be, "remains partially crispy" have at it. Nothing wrong with you reconciling this shit in your own brain, your way. That makes sense since we all have our own life context.

That just ain't me. I'm saint on a hill. Trying to understand the groove of all beings and how they interact and relate in the context of the world. Jungian forgiveness or some shit.

Be your own hero. Write you own story. Don't let someone else do it for you.

Thanks all...take care...



Posts: 1432 | Registered: Jan 2012
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I may be AIRBORNE, but I am not the perfect R badass. I think that is pretty obvious.

I wouldn't say that at all, redrock.

Improvise. Adapt. Overcome. That's worked as a Marine Corps slogan for quite awhile now, and describes almost every BS I've ever known around here.

And I have yet to meet a Marine who isn't a fucking badass.

We're all going to screw up on this journey. We're going try things that don't work. Then we're gonna try different things. Some things will still hurt long after the rest of us has healed up. That's okay. It's part of the human condition.

I've seen you help so many people on this site with your vulnerability, kindness, and grace. You are a badass as far as I'm concerned.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6750 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
wincing_at_light
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Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is a great thread, wert. You're sharing some really outstanding insights.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6750 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wert, it's great to hear that you're letting it go. I'm beginning the process of letting it go, but know that it will take more time than just 5 months.

I have to tell you, being a relative newbie it breaks my heart when I see posts about people triggering and struggling with their spouse's affair 2, 3, or sometimes 5 years or more into this nightmare.

That's a long time to go without peace of mind. That's a real long time to hold that much pain and resentment. I honestly don't know if I could deal with it for that long. And it amazes me that there are waywards who are strong and patient enough to tough it out that long. Having an affair would seem to indicate that one lacks the strength of will and commitment that it would take to endure that many years with a grieving, damaged spouse. But I guess people can change and grow strong through adversity.

If a WS really is that committed and strong, has changed, and is remorseful, then why are so many BS's struggling so many years later? It must be a fixation on past events, or lingering trust issues from past events.

And is so, then isn't that an indication that the affair was really a dealbreaker? And if it was a dealbreaker, why hasn't the BS left after having years to process the betrayal?

Thinking out loud...this stuff is crazymaking.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 5:54 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1462 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's great Wert

I never knew the volume of resentment I could hold on to till all this happened. I'm happy I've been able to lay most of it down -- maybe not all of it 100% yet, but pretty close. It's an incredibly heavy load to carry around. Not to make it sound easy to just drop it, because it isn't, and it took some outside intervention to get the ball rolling.

I was very resentful due to the other traumas and crisis I've experienced. I already knew life can blindside you. I was just getting over a major hurdle and learning and growing and things are looking up -- boom -- right back down in mud again. Worse yet, I was tackled by my own teammate. Haven't I had enough shit to deal with already? Stuff your life lessons...life can kiss my $$$. Wee bit of a victim stance to overcome.

I knew I was strong because of things I'd overcome in the past. I questioned if I had it in me to keep going for another round, but it turns out I did. Life is actually better on so many levels. Don't want to sound all Pollyanna and it could be a testament to all the hard work or maybe it just shows how crappy it was before. All about perspective in the moment I guess.

We're all going to screw up on this journey. We're going try things that don't work. Then we're gonna try different things. Some things will still hurt long after the rest of us has healed up. That's okay. It's part of the human condition.

I'll stick that in my pocket and pull it out later when I need it.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
SuperDuperWonderboy
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Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it amazes me that there are waywards who are strong and patient enough to tough it out that long. Having an affair would seem to indicate that one lacks the strength of will and commitment that it would take to endure that many years with a grieving, damaged spouse. But I guess people can change and grow strong through adversity.

If a WS really is that committed and strong, has changed, and is remorseful, then why are so many BS's struggling so many years later? It must be a fixation on past events, or lingering trust issues from past events.

Problem here Sal, is that you are assuming that the BS's who are struggling years later have a remorseful spouse. I have been here going on two years, and many of the BS's that are struggling have un-remorseful waywards, or deal with TT, lack of transparency and other set-backs to any actual healing.

Truly, I can only speak for myself, but just because a wayward "sticks around" it doesn't necessarily mean that they are remorseful or doing anything right.

Really like this thread btw.


ETA: and while my wife was pretty damn unremorseful for the first six months, I am amazed at the strength and commitment that she showed in the following year dealing with reconciliation. I am still very proud of her.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 6:39 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1296 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
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