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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Pmsing and fWH
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Evil  Posted: 6:35 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a hard time dealing with him post A when im PMSing. Idk what it is but when im going through my cycle, I don't have a conscience when it comes to him anymore. I would just as soon torture the living hell out of him... and the OW, within an inch of their lives. I dont feel crazy or unjustified, I think its normal (hormones or not) to feel like being so merciless towards someone who has done me wrong in one of the worst ways possible. Dont get me wrong, I love my H but when you poke the bear, your gonna get fucked up.

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 6:36 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
Flatlined123
♀ Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ya know, I've had the same issue. Learning to recognize it and deal with it helped a lot.

H also learned to read me better and knows to tread lightly for a few days

I don't know why exactly, but there are days when I could rip off OW head,drop kick it down the road and then stomp on it.

Exercise has been a godsend for getting out the aggravation.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 9-09, but I didn't feelTRUE R started until 12-09 when the fog really lifted due to a medical condition with me.
Every day gets a little better.

Posts: 585 | Registered: Jun 2012
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any suggestions for a WH who might be dealing with this problem?


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 735 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
LiedtoLucy
♀ Member
Member # 39246
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kbeguile

Stand there and take it. Apologize. Tell her you love her.


LTL

Me: BS
Him: WH
OW=UW or Ugly Whore- cow of WH
UW claims to be pregnant w/ WH baby and I HATE her for it.
DDay: 4/23/13
Together: 14 years
Married: 10 years
Kids: 3 beautiful boys. Ages: 8, 4, & 19 months
Trying to R-Some days are


Posts: 110 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Southeastern U.S.
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im glad im not the only one! Lol Flatlined123, I feel your pain but the way you put that about the OW, made me giggle... I needed that. KBguile, like I tell my H, "keep your dick in your pants and your head out of your ass!". Its a good chance to be romantic without being sexual but let her know what you doing just incase. Do everything you can to help her combat aunt flow. Midol, her fav food or candy and let her relax. Take the opertunity to show her you care and think about her needs. Be extra sweet and loving because having an A shows her you didn't care about her. If she stayed with you then that's all the proof you need that shes worth all the ambition you have in you. Good luck


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dude. This weekend I was all pyscho about it. I was picking fights with him and texting him mean things because it's on the way. Then he says "I know you are getting your period and that is making you feel like hurting me. I will walk away." That just made me want to punch him in the face. LOL


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 346 | Registered: May 2013
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Done and Lucy.

Definitely had a better night tonight than I originally thought. I was even heeding your advice before I read it, because I opened her Russell Stover chocolate caramels.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 735 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good man! lol Mine are reasons and mounds, my H will bring me home a bag of reasons and ask "is this enough reasons to stay?". Lol he gets me. Good luck


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 1:39 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stand there and take it. Apologize. Tell her you love her.

Gotta disagree sorry. Yes apologize and tell her you love her. Heart is dealing with unimaginable pain but purposely picking fights, being mean, saying cruel things and then blaming it on pms is an excuse. If you're angry be angry but don't use hormones as free range to get nastier. I get pms too, I take extra time to calm down when I get angry and to not confront that way. I am not saying people do not have every right to be angry but own that, don't excuse it. A lot of you are very early out and the anger will be all consuming at times, own it, use it but don't let it take control.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2391 | Registered: Oct 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

a week before I get it I start upping my ADs. Seems to work. It has been getting worse as I edge closer to menopause.


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.”


Posts: 3673 | Registered: Dec 2010
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unagie, In my case I do feel more irrational a couple days before and during that time of the month. So its a little less of an excuse and more of an explanation for me. You may feel completely in control 100% of the time but in those few days a month I dont and it coincidentally coincides with aunt flow.

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 10:48 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel badly for throwing Heart under the bus on this one. Yes, she might have started, but she was in the process of going through some VERY heavy stuff, and THAT is what prompted her responses.

I apologize for misleading anyone. I'm glad she and I were able to talk it through, though!


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 735 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's ok, better safe then sorry. Good luck


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:19 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm...what about a female WS when she experiences extreme PMS? How is she supposed to handle the "natural" cravings, mood swings, irritability, and depression? What happens if she tells her BH to back the heck up off of her?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5484 | Registered: Nov 2011
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How is she supposed to handle the "natural" cravings, mood swings, irritability, and depression?

My solution was chocolate.

What happens if she tells her BH to back the heck up off of her?

Honestly depends on how good the communication has been between you. QS probably had to deal with it before the A as well. How was it handled then? The only real issue would be dealing with triggers during the event. Then a modicum of control might be needed to inform him that now is not a good time. Get him a new power tool as a substitute for chocolate.

Strength


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2086 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
DoneWithLove
♀ Member
Member # 39380
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Id say learn how to self soothe because hes your top priority now. Good luck

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 11:39 PM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


BW: Me (24)
FWH: Him (24) Jlaz1988ws
Together 11/12/06
2 sons, ages 5 and 1
Married 9/29/12
EA turned PA with OW/ coworker for 2- 4 weeks
D day 4/20/13
TT 4/20/13 - 7/30/13
"R" 5/3/13

Posts: 191 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The mitten state
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So FWW must learn to self soothe but for the BS it's reasonable to not have a conscience and be merciless? Perhaps I'm reading this wrong but for awhile directly after DDay I sank into such a deep depression during that time of the month and self soothing sure as hell didn't help. The anger I felt after I caught him didn't subside and was made worse during that time of the month but it was never a reason to get nastier or meaner.

I am never in control 100% of the time. I know that about myself and so take the extra time to step back and calm down when I'm really pissed off or hurt. I'm sorry I just don't and have never seen PMS as a reason to be a little extra. I was a bitch when I was in my teens and when I realized it reigned it in and controlled my behavior. We are all capable of doing so.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2391 | Registered: Oct 2012
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think its normal (hormones or not) to feel like being so merciless towards someone who has done me wrong in one of the worst ways possible. Dont get me wrong, I love my H but when you poke the bear, your gonna get fucked up.

I had my times of being angry and bitchy during R but never have I felt the need to be merciless towards him.

R is a time to come together to get through one of the shittiest times in your lives.

It's full of mood swings, highs, lows, angers, pain, sadness and love.

Being mean and spiteful get you nowhere. I think it is so much better for you, him and the M to find a way to work through the anger and come out of it closer as a couple.

As much as there are times you wanna haul off with a 2x4...you just have to stop and think...this is the person I love and this is the person I am fighting to save my life with...

JMO


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dont get me wrong, I love my H but when you poke the bear, your gonna get fucked up.

That comment has bothered me, and I've decided to add my opinion - and this is all opinion, not fact(s). I'm pretty sharp, though, and pretty experienced, so my opinion may have value.

I read the statement quoted above to say that your relationship is pretty much a struggle for power, a contest for who gets to be nasty to whom.

IMO, that's not R, either as a process or as a destination. The process of R is building a new relationship that meets both partners' needs for loving, of being loved, and for being better than either partner would be alone.

An R in which power simply shifts from the one who had it pre-A to the one who didn't have it pre-A isn't likely to last.

I hope I'm misreading this statement.


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8933 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, July 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Id say learn how to self soothe because hes your top priority now.
Are you saying a WW with PMS should to self-soothe and get over themselves, but a BS with PMS is allowed to do whatever the heck they want simply because they're a BS? Am I interpreting that correctly DoneWithLove?

Here's the way I see it.

If a person (WS or BS) has terrible PMS before Dday, then I'm sure both parties in the relationship are aware of it and work together to get thru that nightmare time each month. After Dday, they both know the person (WS or BS) has terrible PMS and while it may complicate things for a few days a month, continue to work together to get thru it.

However, if a person (WS or BS) has sunshine and Skittles PMS and then after Dday uses their PMS as an excuse to treat their partner poorly, I see a bad problem. Doesn't matter if you're a WS or BS. A menstrual cycle is absolutely no excuse to mistreat people and then laugh about it.

I think karmahappens and sisoon's posts are excellent.

JMO


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider


Posts: 5484 | Registered: Nov 2011
Topic Posts: 31
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