Please, she doesn't belong on the pedestal you've erected for her. Really, being placed on a pedestal is unfair; it creates expectations no human can meet.
See her for who she is. Love her, certainly---but be honest with yourself.
This is not an excusable belated wild-oats-sowing endeavor. You're MARRIED. Married women don't get to have boyfriends.
She's not special. It's not excusable.
It certainly is forgivable--IF she behaves appropriately upon confrontation.
I understand your fear. It immobilized me for far, far longer than I like to admit.
Permitting that was the greatest mistake of my life. I lost years that ...well. Let's just say that I stare down the barrel of an empty nest, wondering how I will afford anything, do anything, become anything. My resources are tapped, my opportunities are limited, and it's my own fault, because I permitted an unworthy husband to make decisions for me with his disgusting actions for far too long.
Don't be like me. Act now.
It might save your marriage.
[This message edited by solus sto at 1:36 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]
Something that she said triggered a memory for me that I had somehow forgotten.
It was about putting my wife on a pedestal. I was so blinded by the idea of my wife and how perfect she was for me that I had quit looking at the real person and the our reality together. I am positive this is why the betrayed spouse is always the last to know. When they look at the spouse they see the same sunshine and rainbows that they have always seen. Only long after it has become blatantly obvious to anyone willing to notice does the betrayed spouse finally notice. Hell, my mother knew something was wrong before I did. The signs were obvious.
Take a look at the relationship that you currently have. How good is it really? Do you feel that your needs are being met? Probably not. There is a reason for this.
YOUR WIFE IS GIVING EVERYTHING THAT SHOULD BE YOURS TO ANOTHER MAN!!!!!!
In your post you said this
I am devastated and living in the hope she will see the light and come back to me -
She is looking at someone else's light and it is blinding her. Unless you make a drastic move she will always be blinded. I am sorry but that's how these things play out.
If you don't stand up for yourself it only proves her decision to go to another man to be the right one.
I am sorry this is so harsh but if you saw someone walking toward a cliff you would do everything you could to stop it right? That is what everyone on here is trying to do.
We were the ones that went off the cliff and suffered unbearable pain for it.
I keep trying to think about where I have gone wrong and what I could have done differently.
Nothing. Her decision wasn't about you.
I am still reluctant to rock the boat too much as I feel she may walk away completely.
Go back and re-read everything that everyone has posted to you. You can't let her keep driving the bus, she is intent on driving that thing over a cliff, hell she already has, and you keep insisting on letting her get behind the wheel.
I'll say it again, you can't nice her into pulling her head out.
I have been lurking here and then a member since 2008. I have never once seen a WS wake up one day and decide that they really wanted their BS and it was all a mistake. You cannot nice your WW back into your marriage. The only successful reconciliations I have seen (where a WS is actively still engaged in the A),is when the BS draws a line in the sand and says no more - Choose the marriage or I am done and mean it.
I know you think your situation is different, but trust me after you have read several thousand stories, they all have the same plot and we can tell with high accuracy what your WW will say or do next. They all use the same WS playbook.
I would council you to think about why you are willing to accept a one-way open marriage rather than possible 'lose' her (she is actually already gone). But, before you can salvage this, you need to believe that you are the catch here and that she needs to fight for you. Until that happens, I fear you are in for a lot of hurt and turmoil.
Sending you strength.
Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger
Have you spoken with her on the why, the how and what her intentions are?
You can't live your life with your wife being with another person. It will eat you alive.
See if you can get her to realize the hurt and pain she is causing. See if she would be willing to go to IC.
I keep trying to think about where I have gone wrong and what I could have done differently
This isn't about what you did right or wrong. This is her decision, her choice. She has done this. An affair is never about what you aren't getting, it is about what you aren't giving. There is no excuse to cheat. EVER.
Time to confront and figure out the reality of the situation she's place you and your marriage in.
So sorry this is happening to you.
Many hugs and prayers
She needs to WIN YOU back.
Until you see that, she will continue to eat cake as you will continue to serve it. She has absolutely no incentive to do anything different. She has what she has CHOSEN to have. And will continue as long as it is available.
If she has to choose, she can no longer have both.
Close the bakery. Expose the A. Don't make the status quo what she wants anymore. Make her current choices look like what they really are.
[This message edited by JustWow at 5:56 PM, July 19th (Friday)]
edited for typos (I always have to!)
I don't want to upset her as I am worried that she will leave me for him. I would do anything to have her back exclusively.
Fuck. That. Shit.
Listen, that approach will not work whatsoever. In fact, she will feed off your pain. Your anguish and pain are seen in her twisted view as "guilt" you should be feeling for "pushing" her into this affair. She is doing something she knows very well she would never want anyone to do to her and she wants to absolve herself of any of the guilt and shame that comes with it so she will just project it on to you.
You don't want to upset her? Well, yes, I agree, you should not "upset" this wonderful, compassionate, and thoughtful woman.
No, you should pull the rug from under her fucked up bullshit fantasy. Upset her? No, you should legally keel-haul her via the most aggressive, money-hungry divorce lawyer you can find.
Look, there is NOTHING you can say or do to "nice" her out of this. The only thing that has a remote chance of stopping it is to introduce real, undeniable consequences for what she is doing.
Let your anguish and despair turn to righteous anger but use the anger in a controlled and calculated manner. Become steely, cold, and determined. Nice, simply does not belong here anymore.
File for divorce immediately. Now, that does not mean you are getting divorced. But, you must file for divorce and have her served with the divorce papers - preferably at her place of employment.
Filing for divorce sends strong messages that she cannot project away, delude away, or ignore. It is a hard, cold, and very REAL consequence for her selfish and cruel actions.
Filing for divorce sends the message that you will not tolerate her fucking around. It sends the message that her value to you has plummeted - that will really jolt her. It sends the message that you value yourself far more than her selfish, weak-minded and dishonest bullshit.
It sends the message that you deserve better, and can do better than her and her dysfunctional bullshit - and she will know it too.
Do not cower in the face of this. I know how you feel. Hurt, confused, and debilitated. There IS anger that needs to come forth and stir up strength and aggressiveness.
Believe it or not, your strong response to her juvenile-minded bullshit will actually increase your value in her fucked up eyes. Right now she has devalued you to the point at she doesn't give a shit that she has crushed your heart and hurt you in a way she wouldn't do to her worst enemy. That's why you should take a very strong, proactive, scorched-earth response to it.
My ex-wayward wife was as far gone as it gets. I had given her chances for forgiveness and reconciliation and she just kept up her twisted perpetual honeymoon fantasy with her shitbag adultery partner. It wasn't until she was served with the divorce notification that she ended it and I got the tearful calls and pleas for reconciling, how she still loved me, how she never wanted a divorce, and wanted her family back.
I was too far gone and could never trust her again. We are now divorced and she STILL wants to reconcile.
THAT, is the power of real consequences.
Hello my friend. I am sorry that you need to be here. I am sorry that you have to endure such terrible agony. I know how much it hurts, hell every one here does. Please don't be put off by the fervor of our responses. Having experienced this madness ourselves we all have thoughts about what we should have done. What we wish we had done. If only...
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I/we hear you. I/we understand what you are going through as I/we have been there. Even though nearly everyone here disagrees with the path you are taking that doesn't mean we don't support you. I/we do support you.
You asked what should you do? I would start by reading the Healing Library. You can find it in the top left corner of this page. Good luck and God bless you.
Your story is my story. My STBXWW was the love of my life. She was on the highest pedestal I could find. She had a family, a career, a doting husband.
I begged, pleaded, prostrated myself to win her back. I. Did. Everything.
Therapy for me and her.
Clear devastation of the children.
Explaining to her why it won't work with the OM.
Showing her why I was so much better.
Explaining to her and myself that she's just going through a mid life crisis.
Even telling her I would help her get over the OM! (I want to punch myself for that special bit of emasculating humiliation)
And nothing mattered. All it did was put me through living hell for a year waiting for her to stop until I finally absorbed so much pain from her remorseless (ongoing) infidelity that I am now divorcing that Love of My Life.
Please listen to the people here. Don't be me. File for divorce now. She may or may not come to her senses. If she doesn't, you will have spared yourself more unbearable agony.
Mine is still in her fog. AKA, unfathomable selfishness.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
I Hope this and I Hope that.
Hope will not win your wife back, neither will inaction, especially if she gets to come home every night and has essentially relegated you to a roommate.
You are afraid to do anything because you don't want to lose her..but you already have.
You are afraid not to upset her, yet she continues to walk all over you.
Waiting for her to grow out of this relationship might happen, but maybe she might just move onto another man.
What are your solutions for this?
Very sorry for your hard times.
I just wanted to say that I too, kind of thought like you at the beginning and I desparately hung on.
But you know, it taught me some lessons that I will carry my entire life.
Some of the lessons have been said by others already on the thread you started.
One that I've dealt with daily is that it cost me almost my whole life to try to hang on to ExH ...strength, devotion, love, whatever the terms of emotions and things I tried to do...in the end, none of it mattered. I'm not saying it will be that way for you and hope it won't be, I guess I just wanted to chime in and say, be careful...or, take care...and don't forget.
One thing I did was to forget. I forgot about myself and child in the midst of trying to save my marriage and almost lost my life because of it...all for a man who I am not even sure is capable of love.
I, too, thought ExH was in a mid life crises and still think that at times, because of how he has changed. There are others who don't believe in them.
I do agree that if you can find the strength to not be her support system, it will show her many things from you.
Also, I've learned from ExH himself that the strongest ammo I've ever used is silence. He notices the longer stretches of silence and he notices what happens that is done without his help or input, right away. The more I would contact him or ask things, trying to hang on, the more it drove him off, apparently.
I've also learned that sometimes during MLC, the person going through it seeks parts of their life totally opposite than what's normal for them. as if they force it for their lives thinking they are missing something. Sometimes, it's said, it takes a tragedy the person re-experiences but doesn't share with us (like here) and they have to go through it their way.
I imagine others will agree with me or not on that, but it's what I've been advised.
That's partly why the most silence you can give is good, because as example, I finally get that I am the enemy, OW the savior and I don't want any part of that.
I don't want it for you, either, or to lose yourself on this journey.
I wish you strength and peace on this journey.
You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
If yes, know that she will be planning her moves ahead. Don't be left far behind. Play your cards carefully. See a lawyer and know your options. Gather more undeniable evidence.
Once you are confident, then confront. All the best.
I assure you that unless asked for my opinion this will be my last response in this thread.
I was thinking about your problem for several hours this weekend. I was trying to think of the proper analogy to get across the point that the action that you are or are not taking will only lead to your increased misery.
I think I have figured it out.
Imagine you walk into a ward in a hospital. This ward is full of grievously injured people. Each one of these people were injured performing the exact same task you are about to perform. This particular task consisted of a discrete choice.
Let's say for argument sake that it's a choice between pulling a red or blue handle.
You walk into this ward and ask the question "What should I do". Keep in mind that you are completely surrounded by people that have vast experience and injuries from the choices that have been made in the past when picking between the red or blue handle. Each one of the damaged bodies before you scream in unison to pick the blue one.
But...your favorite color just happens to be red. You like red. It makes you feel better to think about red.
Even though you are faced with overwhelming evidence that comes from the pain and misery of no less than the 20 different people that have responded to you, You are still thinking red is the safe bet.
Do you realize that you can't get 20 people on the internet to agree that the sun is going to come up tomorrow.
Inexplicably each person on here is telling you EXACTLY the same thing.
I wish as I said earlier I would have filed and walked away. The outcome would have been exactly the same. I would still be married. The only difference would be the pain that it would take for me to get to this place.
I said it in another thread, I am a veteran and have seen combat. I have buried a parent after a protracted terminal illness. That was NOTHING compared to the pain I felt through this ordeal.
If you think it can't get worse, just try to be nice to her through all of this. She will absolutely make you pay for your kindness in ways you could never dream of.
Sorry I came across so strongly but you sounded a lot like me. Or rather how I was.
I miss that guy...
Hey, we all understand the fear. We all understand that you are clinging to something that is dead just because you think it could come back to life. And we all understand that rejection sucks and makes us do totally insane things, such as thinking we will win a cheating spouse back.
But at some point, your personal fog will break. You will see the light. Your fear of losing her to the geezer will be surpassed by your anger at the affair and disrespect to the marriage.
Well, until that day comes, I hope you will find a way to cope with the pain.
When the day comes, unfortunately, you will see that you should have taken action a year ago or years ago and that every day you convinced yourself to do nothing because you were okay with being her scraps, and you are GOING TO HATE YOURSELF.
Save yourself the self-hatred and take some action. Any action. Exposure. File for divorce. Something. Anything but sitting on your behind waiting for her to realize just how wonderful you are.
Oh, wait, she won't. She sees you as her #2, a pathetic man who is content with her screwing some old guy because he is too scared to do anything. Sorry that is harsh, but how do you think she sees you??? Do you think accepting her A is attractive in any way to her?
I wish you strength to do what you need to do. Strength to find that inner anger that will make action possible. And strength to realize that doing nothing is actually doing something - it is killing you.
Him: inappropriate emails with ex girlfriend. She was OW during his last marriage. OW- skank with no morals or ethics (personal or professional)
D-Day mid July 2013