Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Lost1960 (43229)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: huge red flag
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay... so basically a year plus relationship here.

I get what those who are familiar with these functions are saying -- only ever worked one, and I was a chicken with my head chopped off running in circles... (not my strong suit coordinating functions).

So large function - a ton to do, hectic... I think I'd be annoyed at you needing your good night too!

Especially because I'm not hearing that you were concerned that she got home/in okay (as that large function with drinking broke up) You just wanted your nightie night.... hmmm. So no points there!

That said, I still would likely have dropped you a text: "home. exhausted. night." even if it was at 3:30 am... Wondering how that would have gone over though? Maybe that's why she sent you the text at 4:40 pm?


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4099 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take2 it is difficult for me to include everything. Yes getting home safe has been part of the ritual as we live several towns from eachother. She did have her son as a designated driver. I care for this woman deeply. I love her. I support her. I've become hesitant to reply as it becomes unpleasant after a point. If any one here truly knew me they would be surprised at how selfless I am in life. Too many assumptions are now being made by people who cannot know all of the details. Again thank you all for your opinions, some of them I agree with, all of them I respect and appreciate.


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well that's why I mentioned it, it hard to include all the history and details. I get that. And I brought it up - cause that's what I'd be doing with late night check ins... making sure everyone got home safe and sound. Have to say that with her son as the designated driver, she could have easily texted as a passenger...

I want to add one last thing, rhetorical is fine: What is your gut saying? Is there maybe something feeling off, not necessarily just this situation alone?


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4099 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't realize you were together so long before breaking up and getting together again. Do you think she would cheat on you? Are you suspicious that she was inappropriate at the event? I'm sorry, that must feel terrible.


Here's to A New Life of Excellent Health, Financial Abundance, Nature's Beauty, Amazing Art and Personal Creativity, with Love, Beauty and Peace All Around Us.

Posts: 5546 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: United States
phmh
♀ Member
Member # 34146
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think anyone has said that you are not selfless -- but that can become a problem (hence my recommendation about doing some reading on co-dependence.)

I read your entire thread and didn't see anything posted that was intentionally hurtful -- everyone is trying to help. I know it can be hard to read some things, but oftentimes, those are the voices we most need to listen to.

It can be far easier to see things from a distance, which is why I have mentioned many times on here that I will be asking the SI contingency to weigh in once I start dating again.

It's your life -- do what you want. People respond because they want to be helpful and want you to live a happy, emotionally healthy life. Take what you can use and leave the rest.


Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo


Posts: 3101 | Registered: Dec 2011
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes my gut is telling me she is playing two hands of cards. It's just a gut feeling and respectfully I do not need counseling because I feel that. Yes there has been odd behavior changes that swing to both ends of the spectrum depending on what town we are in.


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agreed! Phmh!!! I know people are here to help, that is why I lurk often. When I was in counseling I discussed codependency and the whole kisa stuff. This has been an issue in my past that is part of why I've made a bit of a stand on this as in some way it is a boundary of mine or a deal breaker. Not ounce Ofcourse! If it continues then yes! I am certainly sensitive to criticism which is how things have felt here a bit. I can't say enough though that I remain here in part due to that! That I like hearing the objectivity that by nature I lack. At times hearing multiple responses is hard! I get their point! I do!


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
Grace and Flowers
♀ Member
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've found this thread interesting, because texting has been a major PITA with all of the guys I've dated.

I think simple communication is the issue. Apparently she did not understand the absolute necessity of the ritual being performed at prescribed times. Once you told her, she did not react in a way you found positive.

So, maybe you don't agree on this issue. And if thats a deal breaker, so be it.

Most of the guys I have dated have had similar texting needs. And I have a life with varied, and sometimes VERY unexpected commitments. One guy needed/expected to text every night when he woke up at 8:00 pm before he went to work the night shift. If I wasn't available...no matter the reason, he freaked. Saying I was lying, etc.

I've had this issue with both days where I knew I would be too busy to text, and with unexpected things happening that made it impossible to text. And I feel that if I tell a guy that I can't text later because I will be busy, then that should be explanation enough. If you've been dating her that long, and you don't trust her enough to believe her when she says she would be working and couldn't text, then your issue is not with the texting.

I personally won't date a guy again if he makes a big deal about it. I am not tied to my phone. Sometimes I'm in the shower. Sometimes I get called to the hospital. I have a full life.

So, again, I think it's a communication issue. But if she doesn't agree with exactly how you want to do it, and you dont trust her enough to believe her, then I think there are other issues that need to be worked on too. JMHO


I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1117 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well a few things before I turn in. It's not about the text or when it comes. It's about feeling connected. Not controlling or needy just feeling connected. Replies need not be immediate just connected. It's about being in love and wanting to be together. No one can be all the time infact it's not healthy. It's just what I like. I want her to know I'm thinking about her, care for her, hope she had a great day! I want her to know I can't wait to see her again and hold her hand and walk and talk and laugh! And be connected! Where is the crime in that? It's been over a year, I still feel that way! I want her to know that.

[This message edited by turned123 at 10:39 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
Grace and Flowers
♀ Member
Member # 34431
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Respectfully, T123, there were a lot of "I"'s in your last post. A lot of what you need and want and what you need her to know. When you need her to know it.

If that's fine with her, then fine. But if one incident of not texting you "good night" has you this freaked out, and it's all because of what you say you need to feel and what you need HER to feel, then I think you need to take a step back. In addition to "Codependent No More", I suggest reading "The Five Love Languages". So that you both understand what the other needs to feel loved.

But insisting that she text you...when she says she says can't...and then calling it a "huge red flag"...and then saying it's because YOU need to tell her how much you love her....DOES sound controlling to me. Because it sounds like it has to be your way or no way. And hey, if that works for you two, great. But it still sounds to me like trust and communication are the issue, and after a year, simple things like texts (as you have described) shouldn't be turning into such huge things. Just talk.


I'm Happy, not Sad!

Posts: 1117 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: US
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seems like the real issue is about trust. You don't fully trust her. Perhaps for good reason. I don't know.

Is she trustworthy? Is she a good person at heart? If you believe so, then let it go, and let her breathe. Don't let an occasional break from ritual cause a crumble to the foundation.

If you don't believe she is trustworthy, then perhaps you should move on.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust isn't just about fidelity. I have trust issues with XSO's drinking and I always feel that I've missed part of the story in other aspects of his life. It's just become too much for me to take,
especially when I don't hear from him.
In what ways do you have trust issues with her?

[This message edited by tabitha95 at 12:58 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) - 44
DS 13, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3194 | Registered: Dec 2008
downunder
♀ Member
Member # 16631
Default  Posted: 1:42 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You sound,

controlling
defensive
like a victim

all red flags to me.




Posts: 609 | Registered: Oct 2007
foreverempty
♂ Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is starting to get a bit derogatory in its content. He's entitled to his feelings and is owning them and has already said he is understanding the other side.

Me personally, yes I have been the other side of the equator, and put the reassurances that my xWW at the time needed and I also needed to feel connected during our time apart and I always found a way to Skype, or at the very least text at the end of the night before retiring to say goodnight, enquire about her day, tell her how much I was thinking about her, none of which were in any controlling capacity but mutually appreciated.

It was when I was only working 2 hours away that she jumped on the crazy train.

Feel free to point out if we may need to relax a bit but please leave it at that. For me it's something I have learned as normal behaviour from my parents who do exactly the same when working apart, my dad dotes on my mum and always prioritized her over anything else work or social related and I've always seen it as endearing.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 605 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 4:02 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

turned123...

My father and mother have a 60 year amazing marriage. No matter where my Dad was, nor how tired he was he always called my Mom and said goodnight. That is the type of person he is. He and she wanted the connection.

That said, if the person you are dating doesn't want that connection every night, then the ball is in your court.

This is why we date....to find out IF the other person is what we want.

Some people are very cool with talking to their spouse just sometimes...it's why we date...

If this isn't something you are comfortable with, think about moving on.....

Trying to continually tell my XWH "why" and "how" I needed attention NEVER got thru to him and I should have broken up with him when he did the EXACT same thing to me your SO just did to you! I could have gone to this local conference, but he pushed me to the side because he was so busy with it. Didn't call me that night, etc. Well, he ended up being someone who puts on a "good ole boy" mask, but who was really checking out every woman at these events and using these conferences as an escape from reality all thru our marriage.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 1715 | Registered: Jan 2012
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For the first time in my life I have decided to tell a partner that I'm not ok with something and that it doesn't feel right and I get called controlling and defensive!? Never in all my years have I ever been acused of either of those. I will be stepping out now. Thank you to all of you who expressed your opinions in order to help a fellow si'r who was struggling a little.

[This message edited by turned123 at 7:06 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
Catwoman
♀ Member
Member # 1330
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are the two of you "right fighters?" This may play into all of this.

Cat


FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 25 and 22. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

Posts: 29475 | Registered: Apr 2003 | From: Massachusetts
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's about feeling connected.

I get this. Not sure I can explain it without sounding insane though.

I was seeing someone once that I felt a strong connection with. I remember him going temporarily MIA and stepping away from our "normal" texting patterns. I actually uttered the words "I can't feel you anymore...."

It is a feeling you feel within. To me, it wasn't a controlling thing. It was just how we communicated and the vibe I could feel.

So I get what you are saying about not feeling that connection when she was at her event.

Guess I would feel better if she at least understood what you were saying (even if it was not avoidable to be MIA).....versus getting all mad saying that you MISunderstood.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 11:54 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


When someone shows you their true colors, don't try to repaint them.

Posts: 1875 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 10:01 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

downunder,

turned123 came to us for support and advice. Please refrain from attacking him and making derogatory comments. If you feel you are unable to comply, please step away from this thread.
Thank you




Posts: 30752 | Registered: Mar 2011
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Turned123, I get it too.

My now-husband and I did the daily morning and goodnight texts from the time we were dating til now.

I consider myself VERY busy. When he and I started dating I was working full time and was a full time student (along with raising my kids).
Even if he and I saw each other earlier, he or I would shoot a quick g'nite text before heading to bed.
It wasnt about a specific time of day, etc...it was more of a "I am thinking of you and wanted to let you know".
If I was busy when the text came in, I didnt respond until later. There's no harm in letting a text go and reading it hours later. The point for us is/was that we think enough of each other to SEND the text, whether it was at 9pm or 2am. I think it also shows a level of respect for your partner that they matter enough to take a few seconds of a busy day to INCLUDE you- even if you aren't physically there.

I will say that XWH NEVER sent me texts during the day as an "I'm thinking of you" kind of thing. The fact that my current husband did from the very beginning was very touching to me and remains one of those "little things" that I love about our relationship.

Please don't feel bad for enjoying/needing what YOU want/need in a relationship.
Trust your instincts.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 10:24 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


Me - 41
My Rockstar (Hubs #2) - 46, faithful, & an absolute doll!
DD(20) and DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs and 2 Cats)

The Cheater:
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW. Undiagnosed SA?)
Married 18yrs

Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.


Posts: 5534 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 64
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4

Return to Forum: New Beginnings Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.