I get what those who are familiar with these functions are saying -- only ever worked one, and I was a chicken with my head chopped off running in circles... (not my strong suit coordinating functions).
So large function - a ton to do, hectic... I think I'd be annoyed at you needing your good night too!
Especially because I'm not hearing that you were concerned that she got home/in okay (as that large function with drinking broke up) You just wanted your nightie night.... hmmm. So no points there!
That said, I still would likely have dropped you a text: "home. exhausted. night." even if it was at 3:30 am... Wondering how that would have gone over though? Maybe that's why she sent you the text at 4:40 pm?
I want to add one last thing, rhetorical is fine: What is your gut saying? Is there maybe something feeling off, not necessarily just this situation alone?
I read your entire thread and didn't see anything posted that was intentionally hurtful -- everyone is trying to help. I know it can be hard to read some things, but oftentimes, those are the voices we most need to listen to.
It can be far easier to see things from a distance, which is why I have mentioned many times on here that I will be asking the SI contingency to weigh in once I start dating again.
It's your life -- do what you want. People respond because they want to be helpful and want you to live a happy, emotionally healthy life. Take what you can use and leave the rest.
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
I think simple communication is the issue. Apparently she did not understand the absolute necessity of the ritual being performed at prescribed times. Once you told her, she did not react in a way you found positive.
So, maybe you don't agree on this issue. And if thats a deal breaker, so be it.
Most of the guys I have dated have had similar texting needs. And I have a life with varied, and sometimes VERY unexpected commitments. One guy needed/expected to text every night when he woke up at 8:00 pm before he went to work the night shift. If I wasn't available...no matter the reason, he freaked. Saying I was lying, etc.
I've had this issue with both days where I knew I would be too busy to text, and with unexpected things happening that made it impossible to text. And I feel that if I tell a guy that I can't text later because I will be busy, then that should be explanation enough. If you've been dating her that long, and you don't trust her enough to believe her when she says she would be working and couldn't text, then your issue is not with the texting.
I personally won't date a guy again if he makes a big deal about it. I am not tied to my phone. Sometimes I'm in the shower. Sometimes I get called to the hospital. I have a full life.
So, again, I think it's a communication issue. But if she doesn't agree with exactly how you want to do it, and you dont trust her enough to believe her, then I think there are other issues that need to be worked on too. JMHO
[This message edited by turned123 at 10:39 PM, July 15th (Monday)]
If that's fine with her, then fine. But if one incident of not texting you "good night" has you this freaked out, and it's all because of what you say you need to feel and what you need HER to feel, then I think you need to take a step back. In addition to "Codependent No More", I suggest reading "The Five Love Languages". So that you both understand what the other needs to feel loved.
But insisting that she text you...when she says she says can't...and then calling it a "huge red flag"...and then saying it's because YOU need to tell her how much you love her....DOES sound controlling to me. Because it sounds like it has to be your way or no way. And hey, if that works for you two, great. But it still sounds to me like trust and communication are the issue, and after a year, simple things like texts (as you have described) shouldn't be turning into such huge things. Just talk.
Is she trustworthy? Is she a good person at heart? If you believe so, then let it go, and let her breathe. Don't let an occasional break from ritual cause a crumble to the foundation.
If you don't believe she is trustworthy, then perhaps you should move on.
[This message edited by tabitha95 at 12:58 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]
like a victim
all red flags to me.
Me personally, yes I have been the other side of the equator, and put the reassurances that my xWW at the time needed and I also needed to feel connected during our time apart and I always found a way to Skype, or at the very least text at the end of the night before retiring to say goodnight, enquire about her day, tell her how much I was thinking about her, none of which were in any controlling capacity but mutually appreciated.
It was when I was only working 2 hours away that she jumped on the crazy train.
Feel free to point out if we may need to relax a bit but please leave it at that. For me it's something I have learned as normal behaviour from my parents who do exactly the same when working apart, my dad dotes on my mum and always prioritized her over anything else work or social related and I've always seen it as endearing.
My father and mother have a 60 year amazing marriage. No matter where my Dad was, nor how tired he was he always called my Mom and said goodnight. That is the type of person he is. He and she wanted the connection.
That said, if the person you are dating doesn't want that connection every night, then the ball is in your court.
This is why we date....to find out IF the other person is what we want.
Some people are very cool with talking to their spouse just sometimes...it's why we date...
If this isn't something you are comfortable with, think about moving on.....
Trying to continually tell my XWH "why" and "how" I needed attention NEVER got thru to him and I should have broken up with him when he did the EXACT same thing to me your SO just did to you! I could have gone to this local conference, but he pushed me to the side because he was so busy with it. Didn't call me that night, etc. Well, he ended up being someone who puts on a "good ole boy" mask, but who was really checking out every woman at these events and using these conferences as an escape from reality all thru our marriage.
[This message edited by turned123 at 7:06 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]
It's about feeling connected.
I was seeing someone once that I felt a strong connection with. I remember him going temporarily MIA and stepping away from our "normal" texting patterns. I actually uttered the words "I can't feel you anymore...."
It is a feeling you feel within. To me, it wasn't a controlling thing. It was just how we communicated and the vibe I could feel.
So I get what you are saying about not feeling that connection when she was at her event.
Guess I would feel better if she at least understood what you were saying (even if it was not avoidable to be MIA).....versus getting all mad saying that you MISunderstood.
[This message edited by EvenKeel at 11:54 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]
turned123 came to us for support and advice. Please refrain from attacking him and making derogatory comments. If you feel you are unable to comply, please step away from this thread.
My now-husband and I did the daily morning and goodnight texts from the time we were dating til now.
I consider myself VERY busy. When he and I started dating I was working full time and was a full time student (along with raising my kids).
Even if he and I saw each other earlier, he or I would shoot a quick g'nite text before heading to bed.
It wasnt about a specific time of day, etc...it was more of a "I am thinking of you and wanted to let you know".
If I was busy when the text came in, I didnt respond until later. There's no harm in letting a text go and reading it hours later. The point for us is/was that we think enough of each other to SEND the text, whether it was at 9pm or 2am. I think it also shows a level of respect for your partner that they matter enough to take a few seconds of a busy day to INCLUDE you- even if you aren't physically there.
I will say that XWH NEVER sent me texts during the day as an "I'm thinking of you" kind of thing. The fact that my current husband did from the very beginning was very touching to me and remains one of those "little things" that I love about our relationship.
Please don't feel bad for enjoying/needing what YOU want/need in a relationship.
Trust your instincts.
[This message edited by GabyBaby at 10:24 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]
DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs
I edit often for clarity.