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User Topic: huge red flag
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate that its so difficult for me to act on red flags! Ive been dating a woman for a few months. Feelings seem deep, real and reciprocated then bam! Red flag city! We send a good night kiss by text every night and have never skipped ounce. significant other was chairperson of a social event this past weekend where there were hundreds of participants. I was warned ahead of time that communication during this event would be minimal as I couldnt participate and she would be busy running the show.I did not think the no communication thing would mean not saying goodnight at bedtime to say hi and see how the day went. Well friday she sent a text @ 6pm saying have a good night and nothing more for the remainder. I figuired I didnt want to pester her so I let it go at that. Saturday I got the good night at 4:30 so i replied asking if we are saying good night for the whole evening as this seemd very off to me. The reply was yep. I responded back saying I would like to say good night later. I never heard back until the next morning. I like to say goodnight as its a way to feel connected. If that makes me needy then I am needy. I am not interested in controling her or checking up on her but I like to go to sleep thinking of her and the goodnight helps with that. Sooo given my background dealing with lying pos xw my mind quickly went to believing she was with a man. The combonation of her telling me weeks in advance that she will not be available to communicate during the event and only hearing from her during the day took me down that lovely road of doubt. sunday when I pressed the issue it was all my fault for not understanding she was busy hmmm


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((turned)))

I think the texts before bed are a great idea. I can totally understand being exhausted. What I'm not understanding is why a 2 second text before she went to sleep was too hard to do. None of this is your fault. I'm sorry, but to me this is a flag to be watched. I hope I'm wrong.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:07 AM, July 15th (Monday)]


Posts: 35044 | Registered: Mar 2011
chikastuff
♀ Member
Member # 35288
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think this is a red flag necessarily, but it clearly triggered you. I have similar issues and my SO is also in an industry where he runs large events with many and varied attendees (some even models). It's taken me almost a year to get to a place where I don't immediately go *there* in my mind when I hear about one of these events.

What helped is early on I communicated to him tha radio silence is a big trigger for me. My ex used to conveniently have his phone die, or he'd leave it in the car, or 7 million other excuses to not answer my texts and phone calls. By letting my current SO know this he knows open communication is something I NEED to feel secure in our relationship. He used to make a point to send me a quick text at the end of the night, or at least call and tell me he was going to be out of touch. It helped a lot. And over time I desensitized and I don't trigger as badly now.

But it took me being open and honest with about my needs and him being understanding and wanting to help me.


Me- 32
Happily engaged and moving on

Posts: 382 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: New England
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Were there evening networking events that she would have been out late? If she'd explained why she was unavailable in the evenings, or even been able to take thirty seconds to send something little to know she was thinking of you, I would understand... but a "good night" at 4:30pm!?


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13727 | Registered: Jul 2011
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes the social aspects of the event often go very late. I cannot find any good reason why not to send a 10 second text saying "I'm wiped out! Gnight xxoo" like every other night for months, my mind goes to the only reason being she didnt want to be seen doing it. Ugh! ETA I will say that this morning it was back to an early morning text saying have a great day.

[This message edited by turned123 at 10:20 AM, July 15th (Monday)]


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would probably downgrade this to a yellow flag. It doesnít sound like she really understood how much it meant to you, and the event you describe sounds very consuming. Texting doesnít take much, but when you are away for work you are on a different clock. Itís not very professional to be texting in front of associates, breaks are short, you stay up later than you should, and when you finally get to your room you are beat. Thatís not to say she couldnít have been thinking about you, but sometimes that just doesnít align with free moments.

If you cut her some slack, does she drop the defense and see your side? You just missed her, she should appreciate that.


Posts: 3372 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yes crescita after going round and round the conversation did go to me explaining that for me it is meaningful and she did accept that. It just seemed so different to me saying goodnight @ 4:30!?!. chairing the event was a volunteer thing for a race with a lot of drinks going on after each days event but you make a valid piont about being buisiness like.


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

unfortunately it has me pretty confused. I guess proceed with caution and keep one eye open for an act 2. Remember it's not paranoid if every one really IS out to get you


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
Duffy1958
♀ Member
Member # 39755
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

unfortunately it has me pretty confused. I guess proceed with caution and keep one eye open for an act 2. Remember it's not paranoid if every one really IS out to get you

I agree with you. I'm suspicious.


Me-SAHW soon 55
Him-asshat age 60
Married 3.5 years together 13.5
Step-children 8 altogether Grandchildren.
Cheaters are the same yesterday, today & forever. They may have different caveats but they lie the same & pull the same shit.

Where i


Posts: 114 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am TOTALLY suspicious I wish I werent!! Sunday morning I was ready to bail out completely then today everything is as if nothing happened. Maybe nothing did orrr its the crazy train commin to get ya!!


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
torn2bits
♀ Member
Member # 28376
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Turned123)))

I would agree to proceed with caution. The text at 4:30 is strange to me as well, since text doesn't take that much time. There is always the bathroom if you don't want to text in front of others.

Good luck on this one!!! I hope it was that she really didn't realize how much they meant to you.


Me: 44/WH (SA): 49
M: 24 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce pending

Posts: 1240 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Midwest
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks torn! im fighting my gut instinct right now big time but its hard sometimes to know where one draws the line from what we have learned from sneaky ass people and whats just a normal oops!


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you intially said this:
"I did not think the no communication thing would mean not saying goodnight at bedtime to say hi and see how the day went."

....I was thinking it was a misunderstanding of what 'minimal communication meant.

However.....if that was me and once I realized you were hurt over it but it was just a misunderstanding....I would feel bad.

But you got:

"I pressed the issue it was all my fault for not understanding she was busy".

This would pi$$ me off!

I understand events can be crazy and exhausting but no one it too busy to send a text at your normal time to say goodnight. Heck, I text & pee sometimes. It is not like we are men and have to direct a hose....we are just sitting there, hands free for gosh's sakes

Sorry....but you have only been dating a few months and that is usually the "rainbows & unicorn" stage where I could be texting under the table if I had too.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2096 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Turned,

This would bother me. My XSO used to run events at convention centers...In many different cities. Yes they were business opportunities for him, and chances for him to network. I always got a call or text goodnight... UNLESS he was in a time zone that was too far behind mine. I am east coast, if he was in china..I did not get a call or text.. I got an email instead.. with a recap of the day and a goodnight... or good morning.

She could have excused herself, gone to the rest room and sent a 10 second text to you. It isn't ideal.. but it can bedone.

Sorry, it's a red flag to me.

Hugs,

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5054 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Evenkeel text while you pee
I was ticked off. Every time I'd say my point during our discussion she would ignore it and bring up how she was mad at me. Most of my statements were of the "it only takes 10 seconds" and "we always do it, why not this weekend?" She said she didn't want her phone with her at dinner and was tired of answering texts all day. She was getting angrier by the minute and one time she even said "I don't want to be tied down that way" I doubt she realized saying it as she was pissed and tired from the event." BUT it struck a chord with me. The whole thing just seemed so premeditated saying weeks ago she wasn't going to be available. I really could have attended Friday night but she said no.


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, I can understand what your gf is saying here. At my last job, I had an annual work trip I had to make. I would be gone 3 days and it was always the busiest 3 days of my year (16+ hours a day). I was very much of the mindset of "don't expect to hear from me" during that time because I was dealing with so much and if you did hear from me, it was the exception not the rule. Yes, it may only be 10 seconds to send a text, but in reality that usually turns into several texts. When I'm in work mode, it's very difficult to jump out of it and then jump back in. I would expect my bf to understand that.


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13742 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you lieshurt your point sounds reasonable! And THAT'S why it's so confusing


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
tabitha95
♀ Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry that you are going through something similar to what I've been going through. This is such an issue for me. In fact, I think SO and I broke up again this week-end over something very similar. I don't think a 30 second text is a difficult request and I don't think it makes us needy.

When SO (XSO) and I are together, I am usually happy. When we are appart, I feel like I'm low on his list (which includes drinking, bbqing, making beer and playing video games). I'm tired of feeling that way.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((tabitha95))) its always nice to be thought of!!


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
turned123
♂ Member
Member # 33663
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kejem my heart feels the same as you and my eyes see red but there have been some valid views here that I did not think off.


me BS 48
her WW 45
married 15 years
divorced
3 wonderful but hurt kids

Posts: 334 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: milwaukee
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