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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Stupid Stupid s-t-u-p-i-d!!!!!!!
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Concerned  Posted: 7:59 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay.... so Saturday, my hash group had their annual pool party hash...and we went to a guy's house after the hash run and hung out by the pool and jacuzzi and cooked out! Lots of fun! Well...the hasher guy I told ya'll about before...I will dub him "massage guy" (cause he is a massage therapist by trade)...was there..

He is the one that I told you guys seems very sweet...attractive...etc...HOWEVER...he is a recovering alcoholic..... and has been sober now for a year and 7 months... But that bothers me as I left Piper's sperm donor for his alcohol problem and I don't know how I feel about being around a guy that has struggled with that....especially since I'm a social drinker myself.

Well....dumb dumb here..(that would be ME) got a little tipsy at this party because I had free reign on time cause Piper was with her adopted nana...... well....LONG STORY SHORT.... at the end of the night... he asked if he could kiss me... and I let him. Don't get me wrong...it wasn't bad at all! (and I haven't been kissed in 1 year 1 month and 22 days!) and it wasn't like an all out pornographic kiss...very sweet.

Then he asked if he could see me today....so I said yes... and my sister watched Piper for 2 hours while he and I took a very leisurely hike/walk on a nearby trail.

Here is the sucky part....too many awkward silences....(and I'm a talker!!! I can usually keep conversation going...but I could hear the crickets laughing a few times!!! ) and I learned a few things that I'm not too thrilled about....like he got a DUI...and has a 3 year restriction....so he doesn't drive at all now. He just takes the bus or bums rides. He has a married couple as roomates in his apartment....and the woman is a phone sex operator.....UM...WEIRD!!! He smokes like a pack a day (which is odd since he is a runner like me....) But, I have never smoked a day in my life...and it truly does bother me.

And, he is REALLY REALLY shy... almost too shy for me.... and I just don't know what to do. I wish I had never let him kiss me......and now I'm trying to think of a nice way to let him down easy.... without hurting his feelings. UGH...

STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is why I don't date.... crap like this! Maybe being single is just easier....

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:02 PM, July 14th (Sunday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly, this is what dating is. Cut yourself some slack.

Just tell him that it was nice to get to know him a little better, and that you're trying to get to know more people in the group, and you hope the drunk kiss won't give him the wrong impression. Maybe throw something in there about how alcohol makes us all do things we regret... He would definitely understand that. (Or would that be insensitive? Tact is generally not my strongest suit.)


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13735 | Registered: Jul 2011
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know....part of me does not really regret kissing him....but I can tell that he is hoping things might go somewhere...and I can honestly say that I don't see a future with him. He is a sweetheart... but there are just too many things that I don't think I can overlook....

I guess I just feel bad... I'm not one to just kiss a bunch of guys...haha! It had just been SUCH a long time....and everything was going so perfect....we were talking in the pool and it started raining......great moment....DAMN IT...


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
InnerLight
♀ Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A kiss obliges you to exactly nothing. You are completely free to say thanks but no thanks. He is a big strong man and you not dating him after one sweet kiss will not devastate him, he can take rejection. We all do. Don't worry about his feelings past politeness. Stay centered on your needs. He really doesn't sound right for you and Piper at all.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. dating again, living in the sticks with a cat. It's taking a long time to create new dreams and a new life but it is slowly coming together.

Posts: 5815 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's shy, but not so shy to go for the kiss in the pool... maybe he had some liquor at the pool party as well.

I wouldn't say you regret kissing him. That is pretty strong language, and you'll still be in the same running group, I imagine.

If he asks you on another date, tell him thanks, but that you don't feel like you're a match. Keep it simple. If he demands details, you're not obligated to respond, but if you want to, you could tell him that because of your past, you're very uncomfortable dating anyone who has had a history of problems with alcohol.

The kiss can remain a good memory (but don't tell him that! It would confuse the hell out of him!!)


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will be honest....yesterday I had a freakin BLAST!!! Probably the most fun I've had since before my daughter was a "twinkle" in my eye! And, the kiss was good....and I will give him kudos for having the best body at the party! (which mighta helped me with wanting him to kiss me.... ) But, I also know that I have a terrible weakness for attractive men.... even attractive men that I KNOW are not good for me!! (which is all of the ones I attract.... ) At least after all of this time, I can recognize that about myself!!!

BUT....I know he and I are not good for each other...

Besides all of the obvious reasons we are not a good match.... there just wasn't that "connection" that you have with that special someone! It almost felt forced...and I don't want to feel that way! I want it to feel naturally easy...

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 10:07 PM, July 14th (Sunday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly, Walk - don't run.

Please step back and see the forest for the kiss. They don't have to be the exact same guy for there to be a pattern.

I'm kind of shocked you can still call him a sweetheart with all the info you have laid out here. All I see is a train-wreck.

I guarantee you he is giving you the Disney version of himself right now and even that is like a horror film to me.

You can and will do better. Hold out for better hun. Don't let your eyes or lips blind you again.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5554 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
foreverempty
♂ Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is why I don't date.... crap like this! Maybe being single is just easier....

But, I also know that I have a terrible weakness for attractive women.... even attractive women that I KNOW are not good for me!! At least after all of this time, I can recognize that about myself!!!

Shelly I could have written that myself.

Got wrapped up in a kiss by a super hot girl Friday night who has instantly got me hooked despite being unhealthy for me and too many similar traits to xWW and every other pretty girl I fall for....! See my post a few down from this one!

I got a puppy to stop me looking for pretty, not healthy women, and she is working well as the distraction I needed but unfortunately I have picked the cutest puppy in the world and almost every girl I walk past comes over to introduce them selves for a conversation with me and a cwtch with my puppy...... Shes distracting me in the wrong way!!!!!

I want to grow old with a well established cobweb in my pants and no toxic women in sight!!


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 6:15 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, maybe "regret" wast a good choice of words. Maybe you could just say that it's not something you would normally do to kiss a guy randomly like that - certainly true from the one year one month twenty some days you posted!


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13735 | Registered: Jul 2011
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to grow old with a well established cobweb in my pants and no toxic women in sight!!


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, I also know that I have a terrible weakness for attractive women.... even attractive women that I KNOW are not good for me!! At least after all of this time, I can recognize that about myself!!!

I did a double take when I saw "women" in that post! I thought...."wait a minute....I'm not a lesbian..." and then I thought....but maybe that's the problem!!!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well...I did it . I sent him a message telling him that it wasn't going to work out. I told him that I felt the disconnect with us and compiled with how very little free time I usually have, it just would be best if we didn't date. Plus, I told him that I didn't want to make things awkward for us since we are both in the same running group and I hope he understands....

If I've learned ANYTHING in IC... the one thing my therapist has hammered into my head is "STAY TRUE TO YOURSELF!"

And, that's what I'm doing.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well...he just responded to my email and said that the disconnect was probably because he is sick. He had to call into work today and he has a fever and so forth..... and he doesn't really understand my reasoning for why I don't want to date but that he will respect it.

Of course now I feel like a donkey's ass... but I'm not going to let his guilt trip waver my decision. I don't think that was the disconnect I was feeling.. it just didn't feel right. Maybe the disconnect was him smoking about 15 minutes before he gave me a small kiss goodbye yesterday.... BLEH!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 7:56 AM, July 15th (Monday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Amazonia
♀ Member
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A big realization for me when I started dating post-D was that no one will ever enforce my boundaries for me. For a while, I was feeling mildly "abused" because I'd tell a guy something like, "I don't have sex outside of a committed relationship" but then we'd be making out and he'd try to go further ... My initial reaction was that I'd already told him, he shouldn't push. But then it dawned on me that I was sending mixed signals, and that it was up to me to enforce my own boundaries - once I took control and started doing that, life got a lot easier. (Well, dating anyway.)

My point: He doesn't need to understand or agree with your reasons. They're yours, and you have every right to have them, and to stand by them. Stick to your boundaries and never feel guilty about it.


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13735 | Registered: Jul 2011
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My point: He doesn't need to understand or agree with your reasons. They're yours, and you have every right to have them, and to stand by them. Stick to your boundaries and never feel guilty about it.

Thank you Amazonia... I needed that.

I just know what I want and I know ME... and I would end up resenting him... if not for being his personal chauffeur for the next year and a half....it would be the pack of cigarettes he smokes a day.... I just know that these are dealbreakers for me... simple as that.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
hurtinky
♀ Member
Member # 26152
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On top of everything else, he knew he was sick but he kissed you? Yuck.


Me --> BS
D-Day 10-1988
D-Day 9-12-2005
S 9-13-2005
D 3-6-12



Posts: 1500 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Kentucky
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I learned that lesson with my ex too...I had to enforce MY boundaries with him. He would make sexual references and *I* had to put a stop to it If he pushed the boundaries (which he did a lot in the beginning, not as much now), I had to push the boundary even harder until he got the message I wasn't kidding around. For example, if he made a sexual innuendo, the next time he came to pick up the kids, I told him he couldn't get out of the car...I would send them out. He was pissy about it, but as I explained that I was not OK with the sexual innuendos, he knew it, and therefore I couldn't allow him to see me in person, therefore he wasn't allowed out of the car. Took about 1 month of that...never heard another sexual innuendo again.

One of the new lessons in dating is learning WHAT your boundaries are and learning how to enforce them. That may mean "disappointing" people, but ... if we don't put ourselves first, no one else is either.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4136 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think he knew he was sick until later that night. His back was bothering him yesterday but he thought it was some strenuous workout he had done the day before... but then last night he started feeling really crappy....

But...I KNOW that is not the reason for the disconnect... us veterans on SI know how to trust our GUT! My gut told me to nix things now.....and move on!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
timeforchange
♀ Member
Member # 27454
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Remember you have too much to offer to settle for 2nd or 3rd best.

Smoking is a dealbreaker for me... I get that.

Well done for listening to your gut (which sounds like it was screaming)... And not just listening but acting on it by emailing him.

Word of caution he has already tried to test your boundary on this... I would not be surprised if he tries to convince you otherwise in the future. Just keep reminding yourself what your initial gut reaction was.


Me = BS aged 43
2 boys, 13 and 9
DDay 1/19/10
Confronted him 2/16/10
Finally Divorced 8/29/12

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.”


Posts: 726 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Expats in Europe
She11ybeanz
♀ Member
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree timeforchange....

There was just too much there that didn't work for me. I like a man that can keep up with me...so to speak! I don't just mean physically (out of the gutter!!! I meant running!) but also just in conversation and so forth too! I'm a talker but not just a rambler...I just like to have a flowing conversation with someone and not feel like every topic is forced for information.....

I will admit that all of his drunk stories were major turnoffs...but I let him tell me anyway...Like how he got a DUI 2 years ago (which caused him to become sober) because he fell asleep at a stoplight with his foot on the brake.....

His ex took his son and moved 3 hours away and promised to let him see him every other weekend....and he's lucky to see him once a month... and he doesn't fight it...he doesn't try to go to court so that he can see him more....(and that bothers me ....just does).

Just TOO many red flags for my liking....

His 6-pack abs won't save him.....sorry.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2721 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 24
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