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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Do I confront about this??
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH and I are almost two years from D day. He has done everything I have asked of him. Stays in constant touch..I have all passwords including work emails. He knows that I check...probably doesn't know to the extent I check...which is every day and it is exhausting me but I cant stop. That's another topic. My problem: He has a work phone that stays in his car..it is also his email while on the road for work. I check his work email daily like I said but have not looked at or checked calls on that phone for many months. Tonight he went out for awhile and I thought I would just look through the call log on the work phone thinking he would never leave anything discriminating on there anyway but I was really pulled to do it. He has always, since he got this blackberry, just used the word password for his password. I typed it in and was told it was incorrect 5 times. I am freaking out at the "why now would he change that generic password"? Do I ask him about it?


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 29, 26, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I would ask him about his password and why it was changed without your knowledge. I would ask in a neutral tone without accusation unless there are other red flags. What do your instincts tell you? If your instincts tell you that there is something going on or if he is hiding something from you, do not confront. Gather evidence and start getting your ducks in a row.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 387 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:05 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you should get a VAR and put it in his car first.

If you decide to confront him I would hold the phone while asking him to give you the PW. I would not allow him to key it in...when I did that my WH keyed in his PW and quickly delete the message without me even knowing it.

If he refuses to give you the PW then you have your answer.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your replies. No I did not suspect anything else. He has been over the top supportive and done all I've asked. With me every minute he is not working. I ended up asking him because I couldn't go to bed with that anxiety. I started asking him and he smiled because he was glad that's all that was going on. Told me he changed it so he could push the little buttons easier while driving to open it. Changed it to 123456...nothing too secret. He apologized that he never thought to tell me and told me to go grab the phone from his car and we could go over the phone log together. I didn't do that. I was too wiped out at that point and really relieved. I was a mess and asking him if I'll feel this need to check forever....it bothers me but I can't stop. He said "honey..if that is something you have to do for the rest of your life..then so be it. It is no big deal to me at all" I do think about getting a VAR sometimes...with absolutely no reason or suspicion to have to check and that just makes me know how much all of this sucks!!!


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 29, 26, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Tesa
♀ Member
Member # 10002
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome response, struggling! I can feel your relief. I'm so glad you decided to talk to him about it too. So often it seems that we have a suspicion and instead of communicating with our spouse, we go into detective mode. Itís easy to do when you donít know if you can trust R and donít want to face another D-Day or False R. However, communication is the key for any healthy marriage and sometimes just TALKING can help your marriage immensely!.

The urge to check up on him will lessen in time, especially with his support. His answer is so reassuring. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Seems like he has nothing to hide.


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Mar 2006
struggling3
♀ Member
Member # 34671
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Tesa. I'm feeling much better today...just the residual worn out feeling from such an emotional night. They get fewer and farther apart. I agree about the communicating immediately when there is an issue. I'm going to try harder to get past the obsession of checking everything constantly. I think I may go for some IC...see if they can give me some insight and direction.


Me - BS 55
H - WS 57/very remorseful and supportive
Kids 29, 26, 22
D-Day 8-5-11
discovered 4 month long EA
R - slow and steady but very optimistic

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Topic Posts: 6

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