It was when I was able to accept that who he was/is showing himself to be is who he really is. I've seen the monster under the mask and I do not love that creature that imitates human emotion.
When I began to really internalize that who I loved was a mirage and not the "good guy" I thought I spent the last decade with, I knew there was never going to be an "us" again outside of parenting our children. With no hope of R, I took off those rose-colored glasses and saw him and his actions in all its disgusting glory. After that my heart finally began to catch up to my head.
I still love the family unit and home I *thought* we had and thought we would have in the future. I still grieve that loss daily. But I have NO love left for him beyond the love I can manage to give despite him deserving NONE. The kind of absolutely non-romantic love based on my religious beliefs. I try to maintain that because he is the father of the loves of my life (my children) and it helps me stay positive (or at least neutral!) in the interactions I have to have for the sake of our children.
However, I do not *like* him AT ALL and most of the time I doubt I ever will! Can't stand him. He is one of the worst jackasses walking from my perspective. Even his "nice guy" behavior that occurs between his epic jackass moments cause absolutely no feelings of affection in me anymore. I know what real empathy and remorse looks like and acts like and he isn't capable. I feel like I can officially say R.I.P. to the romantic love I had for him.