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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is it really possible?
inshockandhurt
♀ Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This question is for those of you who are reconciled. Do you really trust your FWS? I was thinking about it last night and I realized that part of why I am afraid to stay with my husband is because I am afraid that I will never be able to trust him again. I just can't imagine ever trusting him again. I am not very trusting to begin with, I have been betrayed by a lot of people in my life and so I have trust issues anyway. I want to stay with my husband, I love him so much. But I am so hurt by what he did, and I don't know that I will ever trust him again. So, does it ever really come back?


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't consider us "reconciled", but we are happy and our family is intact.

I trust him as long as he keeps healing himself. He cheated because he was damaged (abusive childhood, no boundaries, poor coping skills).

I can see that he is facing all the messed up aspects of his psyche, and changing them. He is owning his problems and getting help (IC, books, me) to become a whole, healthy person.

While he remains so committed to fixing what was wrong inside him, I don't think it could happen again. I don't trust him to stay faithful because he loves me so much, but because he respects his improved self too much to throw away his integrity.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
shatteredheart7
♀ Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pretty much exactly what sailorgirl said. He has done the hard work,he started working on himself before he even confessed. I trust him not to have another A because he has fixed himself. I sometimes wonder if he would tell me if she tried to contact him or what he would do if she did (just delete or reply with don't contact me again). As much as I trust him, I still need reassurance. We both have the app "find my friends" on our phones so there is no doubt on either end where we are. I have all his passwords and 100% access to his cell phone. To me that wasn't about me trusting him, but him showing me that I could.


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
inshockandhurt
♀ Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both. My husband is doing everything he can to work on himself and help me through this, so I will keep my hope. Thank you.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:54 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It can, but it must be earned, and in order for that to happen the WS must do a lot of heavy lifting.

They must put in place good boundaries with other people, all other people.

They must work to understand what they did, why they did it, and what it did to the betrayed person.

They must demonstrate this new understanding and behavior when it is tested by others or events, the proof is in what happens when you are tested not in what you say, talk is cheap, and it can take years to have that happen.

My wife, as example, was someone I trusted without question. But, she had poor boundaries on multiple issues that were not apparent to anyone. I didn't see this, it was hidden from me.

It took 9 years before someone propositioned her and when it happened a confluence of things all came together. She was by herself, she was feeling down about herself, she was being treated for depression, she was drinking when it happened in a social environment, the kids were at home with me, she was out without any of her female friends that knew the family, and it was late in the evening.

That confluence of events had never happened before, perhaps all of them but the propositioning had, but on that day it all fell into place and she did what she had sworn to herself that she'd never do.

It's a long road back to earn trust that was freely given in the first place.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1001 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
torn2pieces
♀ New Member
Member # 39029
Default  Posted: 6:52 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if I will ever trust 100% again instead I will trust my own instincts. My h has been remorseful by staying home and being accounted for when hes gone.my hope is he will never do it again and we were both in a dark place when A happened but no excuse.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: torn2pieces
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think what we all had with our spouses pre-A was an unhealthy, fairytale, 'blind trust' that honestly, is not a good idea to have with anyone IMO.
I consider H and I to be in R, and he is earning back some trust, but I will never blindly trust a other human being.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7092 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Topic Posts: 7

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