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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Clean and Sober 8 months - So what
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i know that sounds so callous and mean of me...but that is how i feel. he has been clean and sober for 8 months...attending his AA meetings....and his friends and family say that he has not sounded or looked this good in "20 years!"

good for him. he even started a new business that is doing well. he is doing all the things in the HL....heck he even bought a minivan...an attempt to show me that he is a "family man" now and not the monster that he has been.

read my signature...he has been a monster.

but i am still so angry..and mad. i keep reliving the details of his affair....like the dirty text i found at 4am, that said to his mistress "emotionally, you cant handle this dick that deep." omg. that is how i found out i was in false r...with a different woman....15 years older than us...and a child therapist at that.

it is mind boggling.

there isnt anything else he can do. it is me. we are in mc....and that helps...but it just hurt....it sucks, you know?

in a way, i feel "left behind." he is making all of these changes in his life....becoming a better person...everything seems to be going his way.....but i am stuck.

and i feel like this is harming our attempt at r.

my ic says it doesnt matter what he does, or says at this point...it is up to me to decide if i will move past this.

i'm glad he is changing his life...and not getting high and drunk everyday. and i am glad that he has supposedly learned that cheating is a disaster....good for him.

but the collateral damage from all of it is just too overwhelming sometimes.

i seem to be comfortable holding on to it....and i am not sure why.

my question to my friends here are...do you ever feel this way? and what things do you do to help yourself heal?

[This message edited by sri624 at 12:06 PM, July 14th (Sunday)]


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 934 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
SeeThingsNow1
♀ Member
Member # 38241
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i sent my hubby an email - these are the things I hate- all the emotional, physical, mental stresses i had now due to his choices- and had him read it out loud to me so that I know he "heard" me. It made him uncomfortable and it made me cry to hear him saying those things outloud but it also made me feel better because he didnt need to ask me "whats wrong?" go read the list....

Posts: 110 | Registered: Jan 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sri624)))

I have been feeling the same way lately. Broevil growth has been amazing. She has become a better mother, a better friend, a better partner. She is defending out relationship and making it a priority. She is happier and freer than I have ever seen her. She is truely becoming the person she could have been and should have been all along.

Then I think, good for her but what about me. Is all that really worth all my pain and insanity over the past 18 months. I feel like a martyr and I want my pay off even though I don't know what that might be.

I feel like I am falling behind in the healing process. Which I think is normal. The WS healing process is much simpler than the BS. Not saying easier just simpler.

Its a straight forward linear path for the WS. Look for the "whys" of their bad decision making process and stop making bad decisions. Increase their confidence and self esteem by replacing those bad decisions with good decisions.

There is no straight forward path to acceptance and forgiveness. Or at least I have not found one.

I wish I had an answer for you. At least you know you are not alone.

ETA: My best days I am able to maintain a firm divide between our pre R relationship and post R relationship. That old relationship is dead along with all that goes with it. Post R is a completely new relationship with new people new rules new goals.

[This message edited by Chicho at 6:50 AM, July 14th (Sunday)]


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

8 months is a great accomplishment for your H.

I hate to take anything away from him for making good on his effort so far, but 8 months is just a drop in the bucket from the POV of recovery and R. Besides his addiction and infidelity lasted a lot longer than 8 months.

IIRC, at 8 months I was still partly in a wait-and-see, still angry, still grief-stricken even without needing to deal with substance abuse. And 8 months was the start of my pre-1st antiversary funk.

Bottom line: your 'so what' males perfect sense to me.

It's a real good start, though.

(((sri624)))


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can remember thinking the same thing..."so you aren't out catting around for other women and haven't looked at porn or been to a strip club for months, isn't that what is expected of a faithful husband? I'm supposed to do cartwheels." Bleh.

As the wife of a recovering sex addict, the mother and daughter of alcoholics, my son is in recovery, thank goodness, I can say, with a boatload of experience, that what you are experience, that what you are feeling is normal, typical and oh so justified. The addict has a clearly defined path to follow, one with all sorts of rewards, pats on the back, "coins" and slogans along the way. We, the detritus that was accumulated and created while they were being "sick" (self-indulgent) are ignored, expected to join in the cries of "good boy! How wonderful you are!"

Now, I understand (far too well) about addictions, about the chemical changes that influence people to continue destructive behavior. I get it. Of course we are happy that they are getting sober. But it simply doesn't help us, the survivors.

What does help is healthy doses of detachment, considerable IC on our parts, continued hard work and remorse on the part of the recovering addict and a large amount of self care. WE deserve a bit of self indulgence now. Put yourself first. Don't allow one bit of their behavior to back slide. No more can they blame you for any of their issues, attack you for your imaginary faults or engage in passive aggressive behavior towards you.

If you haven't been to Al-Anon, I strongly suggest it. It does teach you to deal with some of these resentments.

WHICH YOU ARE ENTITLED TO HAVE!!!!

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 11:51 AM, July 14th (Sunday)]


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3458 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reconciling after infidelity takes a long time and it is not a straight road.

It's an emotional roller coaster.

For me-it was two steps forward and one step back.

I really didn't begin to feel 'safe' until about 4 yrs post d-day.

My FWH is a recovering alcoholic as well.

He was a functional alcoholic throughout our marriage and it caused lots of heartache.

And I was very happy when he finally got sober after d-day and embraced AA (90 meetings in 90 days etc.).

He also went to IC for 1 and 1/2 yrs (huge deal for him to do this).

So...here he was...the man I always wished for and... sometimes I was happy about it and other times I cried.

I cried for myself. That young and naive young wife and mother that devoted herself to her family only to be treated so badly for all those years.

I thought to myself....our life is so good right now...
and I would cry because I would mourn all of those years that we could have been living this life.

The 5 yr LTA was the cherry on top-it nearly broke me.

It took 4 yrs of IC and meds and support groups like SI to help me see the light at the end of the tunnel.

So, I understand your mixed feelings right now.

I'm sure that you are still worried that his recovery could be temporary and not last.

Hopefully, with time your WH will show you through his actions that he truly is a changed man and can be trusted.



Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3157 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
Topic Posts: 6

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