He said he told her it was unacceptable and she threw a fit. He snooped and found out the guys name and went to see the guy and told him he had no business messing with an 18 year old. He ended the email by saying "I thought you should know."
He then goes on to tell me to lay low and not contact her about this because "We" can handle it. We meaning him and his live in GF. he actually mentioned "we" several times.
FT is the source of DD18's alienation from me. And now in his whacked mind I guess I am relagated to the side lines.
He tends to behave like a huge bully with the kids, ranting, yelling, poking etc. and I can picture how this went down.
He said he is worried if I email her it will turn into a "big deal" again. Yep..a big deal for HIM.
So....why did he even tell me? Hoover perhaps?
I was considering emailing her from the angle of it must be exciting to have an older man interested in you....BUT conversation and sharing with her the website Baggage Reclaim (which is all about healthy relationships).
I am so worried as she is an extremely vulnerable kid that is a sitting duck for a predatory guy.
What would you do if you were me?
[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 6:08 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
This is non-judgmental, as kids this age believe they know it all. After talking with her and doing your own research, you should have a good sense of how to proceed.
P.S. I have found that listening is a great tool for this age. Ask probing questions (what do you feel about that? How does that make you feel?). This is a great way to show them how different your approach is from her father. Not that you might not ultimately agree the fellow is trouble, but in the steps you take to get there.
These people delight in dumping weird situations on your shoulders & giving you no way out - other than getting involved: being hoovered.
Lay low, play it cool. Let DD open the convo.
Let FT's resistance 'drive' her to you for advice...
Who among us doesn't know that telling your kid not to see someone is the kiss of death?
Let your daughter tell you about her life. Sit back and watch him blow up his relationship with his daughter. Let her know you are there if she wants to talk.
She is 18. Even if the guy was 50 there's not a lot you could do. In fact doing anything could just make her more adamant to hang on to the relationship.
Relationship advice from that FT???
Get the fucking net - puh-lease.
My DD22 did similar at age 18. I didn't like the guy, but there was nothing I could do. It did not work out (no surprise), but I was able to tell her "I told you so" in a non- condescending way. Fast forward four years and she is living with a guy more than 20 years older. She knows I don't approve and don't like it or him, but I told her it is her life and she needs to learn her own life lessons, but she knows I am here for her no matter what. We talk about everything but that because, after speaking my peace that I know she can do so much better, I honor her decision as an adult and won't jeopardize our relationship because of it. It us tough to be a parent and have to sit on the sidelines and watch what you know will be an epic failure, but if you don't respect their adult decisions you may jeopardize your own relationship...
[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 9:16 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]
This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man, ~ Shakespeare
I 2nd Cat's suggestion to call her up and ask about the new guy. Slip in a few lines down the road about how to avoid hazards like her father...
And if the situation at FT's deteriorates in the near future.....then you can be her soft place to land.
[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:36 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
My DD18 just graduated HS and told me 2 weeks ago she is dating a 23yo (soon to be 24). I am not alienated from her... but our relationship is tenuous. So I can sort of put myself in your shoes.
I would reach out to her... just like you would have done normally.. I think it would be more along the lines of what gonnabe posted. Do not mention the guy... keep it focused on her. Let her tell you about the guy.
If she mentions him, I would ask to meet him. I didn't ask to meet DD's BF, he asked to meet me. He seems nice enough... and young for 23... he gets kudos for a few things he said and did in our meeting and after. I keep telling myself... in 5 weeks she is leaving for college... his college is local... and keeping that in perspective, it helps.
There is nothing I can do.. other than impose a curfew for her living in my house. She will make her decisions... I just don't want my opinions to sway her decisions. Do I think this guy might be good for her... I don't know. I don't know him. What I do know is my DD has been lying to me since april.. I don't like that. Do I think her BF put her up to it..NO. I think she is so brainwashed by NPDXH that she assumed I would blow a gasket when I found out his age.
I got over that when her sister (DD1) started dating a guy 5 years older in college. They recently got engaged.
Your X going to see the BF, is NOT going to sit well with DD18. And that may be part of his plan to devalue DD.
She is leaving for college, he will be without her supply. He is probably mad she is giving attention to BF and not him. So it will become a pissing match between them.... let them have at it. If something comes out that he told you... tell her the truth... he told you, you felt it was her news to share and were waiting for her to say something. Till you met him, you were not going to jump to conclusions. She is an adult.. she didn't ask your opinion/advice.. so you didn't give it.
AS for XNPDPOS.... crickets. There is an agenda here... it's his. But his actions are one of ownership.. and not wanting to share that ownership with someone else.
I would go with a variation of what Cat recommened:
hey, your dad contacted me and said that he doesn't approve of the fellow you are seeing. I would like to hear your side--can you call me?
If you push too hard, the alienation will probably get worse, and you could end up with a new SIL. ~shudder~
I see this over and over with my X. I don't take his bait, and eventually I get a clue from the children that my interpretation of his motives or plan was right.
What I do is curb my reactions and try to keep to respecting the children's right to make their own decisions.
"Hey, I'm fine with it, but if your mom finds out, look out!"
ding ding ding ding
DD18 has been making tentative baby steps back toward me. Her attitude has softened, and she actually has lots of kind moments toward me.
He is trying to ruin it. I know it in my gut.
[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 10:25 AM, July 14th (Sunday)]
Would there be a way to approach her asking for information like Cat said but perhaps with adding in that you're inclined to think he's pretty great unless proven other wise simply because it sounds like he's standing up for her. She'll know that you're being at least open minded toward him that way. "Based just on the fact that he's standing up to you, there some good things going on with your relationship... what's he like?"
It doesn't mean that you wholeheartedly approve but it does mean that you're open to hearing about him and that opens up lines of communication with your dd.
Basically, if your ex is saying things that assume an explosive reaction from you over this, you're doing the opposite without saying that you automatically approve.
That didn't happen.... we're divorced as a result.
I think Cat's advice is right on, and I just read your thread where you used it to reach out to your girl - so glad it's working out so far.
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling