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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Pushed H past his limits
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why did I do this? Today is 4 months since he slept with her (by day not date)and tomorrow is a month since the tt stopped and the truth came out.

I was in a bad way last night and he started shouting at me cos I would not believe he loves me. Nothing too bad he was just frustrated. This morning he gave me a huge hug but I just felt dead.

All day I have been brooding and questioning him. I sent many nasty texts this morning when he was out and couldn't drop it when he got home. Stuff like why not go out tonight and spend your anniversary with some slag, how could you say you love me when you wanted two other women in the past 2 years, I can't believe a word you say you just say what you think I want to hear. It went on and on. He replied each time with I love you and I know what I did was truly terrible and I am trying to make it up to you but you won't let me. true of my bad days but on my good days I accept his loving words and gestures.

Anyway long story short later today he really lost his rag. I said fine we will stay together for child but live separate lives so you can f**k whoever you want whenever you want and I won't have to worry anymore.

He has always had a loud voice and doesn't realise he is shouting half the time and how intimidating he can be. Well he let me have it. He is my carer (I have bipolar and severe anxiety) he said right If you want to live separate lives you sort out your meds, you sort out your appointments etc etc. This really hurt as he swore to me even if we split he would help me in these areas.

Not to make him sound nasty, I really did push him and in amongst all the shouting he kept saying things like, why won't you listen I am telling you you are my world, why won't you let me love you, why wont you let me fight for you. You get the picture.

I know he shouldn't have lost his rag and threatened me but I also think I just pushed him way too far.It was like I was testing him or something. I don't know everything just looks black last night and today.

Why did I do this when he has been trying so hard for the past four weeks?

He has slipped up twice before, once before I knew the full truth. I was going through my late dad's photo's and crying my heart out, he tried to comfort me but I couldn't stand him to touch me so he freaked out and punched a wall and walked out in a strop. When he came back he apologised and said it's too frustrating to see me in pain and know he has caused most of it and not be able to comfort me wheni am grieving. The next time was when I first got in our car. He took me for a drive and even though they had se in her car not his all I could do was imagine him sat in her passenger seat which is where I was sat in our car, and leaning over to masturbate her. Then I looked to the backseat and practically saw them at it. I refused to talk and cried my heart out. He got angry cos he was driving and trying to get me home asap. again he said he felt helpless.

why am I making such a mess of this R when it's what we both want cos we still deeply love each other. I know deep down that he does I just can't accept it when he says it without having a dig at him.

Looking back he only loses his temper when he is frustrated and can't help me but I hate it cos he was so angry all the time when he was trying to hide the truth from me and the guilt was eating at him. He tried to push me away rather than face what he had done.

I guess his anger unsettles me and takes me back a few weeks to the false R when he was still with holding the truth. I really believe he has told me most if not all of the truth as he sees it.

Why do I push him to it. All these occasions he has tried to calm me with reassurances, hugs, apologies, but when I blow I blow and I keep pushing til he cracks.

I am going to blow this R if I can't let him back in.... but I DO love him so why am I being a bitch. It's not like me.


Together 18yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 591 | Registered: Jul 2013
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i'm a BH. so i think i know the hurt you're going through.

That being said, if what you have described is true, you are being unfair and if you don't stop you may drive him away.

no one deserves to be constantly questioned "do you love me" only to be told "i don't believe you" if they say yes.

it sounds like you're picking fights. I wouldn't put up with that for long. would you?

I think we BSs need to grow too. We can't just say, the WS is evil, and "I" am wonderful. Sure, they shouldn't have cheated. Many avenues they could have taken instead of cheating. So, in the choice(s) they made, they are wrong.

But wrong or right, if you keep kicking a dog, it will leave.

I'm saying that to you with the hope that you will do things to make your relationship better because I think that's what you want. i have no idea if my advice is any good. that's just what i thought when i read your post. good luck


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 516 | Registered: Mar 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is angry you can't trust him...yet you've had more ddays than you can count,according to your signature...and the last was less than a month ago.

Of course you are angry. If you weren't I would be worried. Anger is normal.

He needs to put his big boy pants on and deal with this mess he made...and your anger is normal.

He has an anger problem...you shouldn't have to pussy-foot around because you're worried about making him angry. Is he in IC? He also needs to take some anger management classes.

I see you making alot of excuses for him. It boils down to this..he has been a selfish,lying,cheating husband. He has no one to be angry with except himself. You are not to blame. Ok..you have mind movies..you don't want to be touched sometimes..etc..all of this is normal. Even his anger is normal...for an unremorseful WS.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:09 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7153 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really disagree with Mike...you have had ALOT of ddays..of course you need reassurance..and since the last confession was less than a month ago,of course you're not going to believe him.

The beginning of R is HARD fucking work. It is PAIN FILLED. You're not "picking fights." You are IN a fight..for your marriage..your sanity..your heart. He has blown all of that to bits...less than a month ago.

This man has lied and lied and lied and cheated and cheated and cheated. He has ALOT of shit to own...and it doesn't sound like he can get past his anger to do it.

No one deserves to be constantly questioned? Hmm. No one deserves to be constantly lied to and cheated on either. He made his bed...the consequences are that you are angry..rightfully so. And you NEED to express that anger(no violence). If you stuff it down,you will get worse.


He is angry because you won't believe him. Why should you at this point? What is he doing to earn back that trust?


He needs to listen to your anger..and your tears. It's part of R.

And..no..of course BS's aren't perfect..but at less than a month out from the "final" confession..she is less than a month out from her last dday..her healing has had to start over..and over..and over...because he keeps lying and TT-ing her. The affair and the lying must be dealt with before any other marital issues can be handled.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:17 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7153 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
dovetool
♀ Member
Member # 37072
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your not doing anything out of the ordinary. We are about 10 month out from true D-Day and we had some real up and downs. I've kicked him out, told him he was toxic... shit told him I wish he would die on several occasions. There is sooooo much pain when someone you love and care for betrays you in such a matter. My husband will almost always take the abuse stating that he knows he hurt me on such a deep level that it will take years to fix. He holds me while I scream at him or tells me he loves me when I wish him dead.

But there are times when he gets frustrated too. Once we cool off a bit he tells me that its so hard to see me in so much pain and try and fix it when HE is the one that caused it. I think thats where a lot of frustration may come from. They are the cause and they know it. But at the same time they are the ones trying comfort this pain... its a slippery slope.


Me BS: 29
Him WH: 35
OW: 40 was a "friend". Our sons were best friends.
Married 11 years
D-day: 12/05/12
D-day: of who it really was 08/2012
R: started in 03/2012
True recover September... rough at first for me since I wasnt sure about

Posts: 68 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: dovetool
mike7
♂ Member
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i guess i don't take threats well and am putting myself in his position

I said fine we will stay together for child but live separate lives so you can f**k whoever you want whenever you want and I won't have to worry anymore.


if someone said that to me, I would react poorly.

but maybe other people don't care if they are threatened and are willing to escalate. or maybe they think the WS should take whatever is dealt to them because they cheated.

i see a lot of name calling here. I'm not perfect but that's not how i operate. I've never called my wife a lying cheating slut. I told her to go with the OM if that's what she wanted. I'd be fine without her. And I would.

i stand by my statement. if you cause fights, not a lot of good will come from it.


BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013


Posts: 516 | Registered: Mar 2013
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for the reassurance. I do feel guilty and am going to curb my resentment as far as I can without exploding.

Mike I think I need to clarify, what you have quoted I did say but it was not a threat. I said it in response to his losing his rag with me. If anything I was offering him an out while letting him know we would live together for our son.

This morning he told me that the messages he was sending on fb to an ex was no big deal. I saw red. It took quite a while for him to back down and explain he meant it was nothing compared to the physical affair but by then I was already in bits and accusing him of down playing. It's just been a horrible day.


Together 18yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 591 | Registered: Jul 2013
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, too, strongly disagree with Mike. Your feelings and actions are normal, and furthermore, they were 100% predictable and preventable. Your husband chose these consequences when he chose to lie and cheat--over and over and over.

He needs help, as do you. At this point, I'd recommend individual counseling for each of you. I don't think he's yet safe, emotionally, for marriage counseling. MC with an unremorseful spouse--which is what he is--can be profoundly damaging to the BS. He needs to gain some insight, as well as communication tools and tools for anger management, before I'd attend MC with him.

But you can start gathering tools of your own. Yes, bipolar disorder adds a layer of complication, but honey, you don't want that to be what keeps an unworthy man in your life. You can gain tools for managing your own wellness. And you needto do that--no matter what the outcome in your marriage.

IC will also help you identify where your responsibility begins and ends. Your post is full of accepting responsibility for his bad behavior. It's not yoursto own.

[This message edited by solus sto at 3:13 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8343 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2 X $ followed by some support. If you don't want the 2 X 4, skip to blow the asterisks....

Stop using texts for anything confrontational. Period. No positive outcome will come from confronting via text message, unless the outcome you're looking for is for him to leave home.
*****************

All of your grief, anger, and fear is normal for someone a month from the last TT. I think your response to his FB comment was right on. I understand your asking lots of questions, and I encourage you to keep asking until you get all the answers you want, even when you ask some questions again and again.

Just do it face to face, OK? When you're confronting, you both need to see each other and sense each other's body language and tone of voice.

Remember, though: If your H can't answer your questions, and if he won't accept your anger non-defensively, he's probably not a good candidate for R at this time.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9773 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

let him get mad...after all he has done...you have a right to be mad for a long time.

if you are going on and on...and on and on...then so be it. you need to get it out.

the BIGGEST mistake you can make is being scared you will drive him away. he needs to man up and deal with all of the fallout from being a cheater.

being scared you are going to drive him away only makes you rugsweep....and blame yourself. no way. an attempt at a true, healthy r does not include you being afraid of him running. if he runs away....LET HIM GO. you dont want HIM anyway.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 916 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You were triggering. No..it's not a good idea to "push" them too far...but it's not a good idea to stuff your feelings.


No..I dont think a WS should just "take it." But I do think when a BS has been cheated on more than once,TT'd for many months,and the last "final" confession was made less than a month ago..I think her anger is justified. I don't see how you expressing your anger is unfair to him. At all. No..they don't have to take it because they cheated...if they can't handle the emotional roller coaster of R,they are free to leave at any time.

I think your BH being angry with you because you can't believe him..when he's being trying "so hard for 4 weeks" is ridiculous. Four weeks is not much time..at all. It's hard to trust someone who has betrayed you so completely. Trust is earned...over a long period of time.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7153 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
grapefruit
♀ Member
Member # 27090
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You were angry. That is normal, especially as your last DDay was so recent.

I can relate: I was really nasty when I found out about my H's affairs ... it didn't feel good.

A good MC will teach you how to communicate all these feelings to each other without it escalating. Concentrate on how you feel. You could say "I feel so angry with you at the moment and I'm worried I'm going to say something I regret" before it escalates or "I'm feeling unloved at the moment". Sometimes reassurances of his love may not be what you need, but just for him to say "I understand, and I'm sorry". He might say "I feel frustrated that you won't believe I love you" - but shouting is NOT an option. Neither is punching a wall. If either of you feel like it's getting out of control, take some time out - go for a walk or something else to blow off steam.


FWW / BS (me)
FWH / BS (him)
In R ...

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2010
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your WH needs to do alot of work in IC before the two of you attend MC.

Are you in IC?


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7153 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWS therapist told him he HAD to put up with me screaming yelling or just talking about his affairs. if he didnt he would loose me. she also told me not to talk about it 24/7.

Look I didnt understand that not talking about it meant not thinking about it 24/7. If you find you are dwelling on this 24/7 please seek counseling for you. I wish someone would of told me in the early stages of the aftermath of his affairs.

Know we are here.

Is this FB chatting recent?

Hugs...


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3185 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have bipolar and severe anxiety

Do not argue when you are down or anxious. If you need to discuss things, wait until you're feeling better.

I understand you are hurting, but you need to remember that anger is poison to R. The anxiety will only make it worse for both of you because you're always on the edge. It's impossible to see things clearly when you're stressed.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Posts: 5624 | Registered: Aug 2007
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 3:28 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said fine we will stay together for child but live separate lives so you can f**k whoever you want whenever you want and I won't have to worry anymore.

I'm sorry and I know folks here may disagree with me but the above statement has been said to me and it is one of the most painful things said. We are almost 11 months from his DDay and he states he still believes this. When he first said it I apologized, I groveled, I begged him to give me a chance to believe in me again. Now when he says stuff like "your sex life outside this house is none of my business" I take the cut to my heart and detach a little more. Anger and lashing out and venting is all to be expected but during R or trying to attempt it his words come back to haunt me often. I am not saying in any way that she doesn't have the right to lash out but don't forget that a wayward is human too and despite the horrible choices made especially when they are remorseful they can hurt quite deeply. It is his pain to deal with but he should be allowed to express it somehow. Anger is not the way he should sign up for counseling somewhere or journal or even just go for a walk and calm his emotions. He is allowed to feel pain but he is handling it badly.

[This message edited by Unagie at 3:30 AM, July 14th (Sunday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2643 | Registered: Oct 2012
Mousse242
♀ Member
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is angry you can't trust him...yet you've had more ddays than you can count,according to your signature...and the last was less than a month ago.

Of course you are angry. If you weren't I would be worried. Anger is normal.

He needs to put his big boy pants on and deal with this mess he made...and your anger is normal.

He has an anger problem...you shouldn't have to pussy-foot around because you're worried about making him angry. Is he in IC? He also needs to take some anger management classes.

I see you making alot of excuses for him. It boils down to this..he has been a selfish,lying,cheating husband. He has no one to be angry with except himself. You are not to blame. Ok..you have mind movies..you don't want to be touched sometimes..etc..all of this is normal. Even his anger is normal...for an unremorseful WS.

Exactly. He needs to understand that for 2 YEARS he was going to her. It's going to take AT LEAST that long to repair a mess that HE CREATED.

He needs to man up and take your anger, sorrow, etc. Period.

Are you in MC - one that deals with infidelity? Is he in IC to figure out why he did this?


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would definitely recommend he get in IC before you even consider MC. He seems to have a lot of issues including anger management problems.

Of course you're mad. This is all so fresh and raw! Texting confrontational things -- not the best idea. But I don't see where you've been unreasonable. Didn't he *just* tell you the full, whole story?


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would really examine if he's angry because he's frustrated he can't help you...or he's angry because your pain is something he would rather you just buried so he didn't have to face it.

IME, when MrH acted angry about my pain, it was because he still had a wayward mindset and that meant anything that made him feel bad was something to be angry about. In that way, he trained me to bury my pain. So well that by the time he cheated again seven years later, I had forgotten how much the first one hurt.

This time around he got angry, but I refused to bury my pain. It just caused me to be chronically depressed and him to justify another A (after all, the first one didn't hurt Holly much...).

I may be reading things into it, but a WS that shows anger at the pain and doesn't build good boundaries (ie the FB messages) is usually still in the selfish mindset and the anger stems from a self serving reason.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣


Posts: 11002 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Limbo
olwen
♀ Member
Member # 39759
Default  Posted: 5:14 AM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neither of us is in counselling, we just cant afford it.

It hasn't been going on for two years, I think I must have written something confusing, my brain is not so sharp from my meds. Two years ago I found some fb messages between him and an ex. He was saying things like 'if only I had the chance mmmmmm' He never contacted her again and deleted her from fb. He never really accepted how hurtful and dangerous his comments were. Luckily she has her head screwed on and just said thanks and changed the subject.His blasť reaction to this on saturday when we talked made me see red.This is why we argued. The next day he apologised and said he had thought about it and it really was bad cos he was fishing to see if she would bite. Luckily she didn't cos he said if she had he wouldn't have known what to do cos he didn't really want a relationship, just to see if she might still fancy him for an ego boost. He now knows that if you play those games you get burnt.

Two years later he has a full affair with a co worker. It involved 750 texts in a month, him retrieving his lighter when she put it down her top, him kissing her twice on one day cos the attention she was giving him dried up. After the kiss he felt horrible and realised he was in too deep. Sadly she picked him up from a night out two days later, in the early hours after he had been drinking and seduced him. He was not strong enough to say no but he says he felt trapped so he did as little as he could to keep her happy and quiet, but he didn't enjoy it all. There was no more physical contact after that. I think when she realised he 'couldn't do it' sex lasted about 3 seconds, she backed off in that respect. She is a lesbian who told me to my face that she plays men for what she can get out of them and can go through the motions of sex although she hates it. How cheap is she!! I have seen photos on fb of her and her ex gf so I think it's true. So the infatuation lasted until the kiss (3wks) then it went downhill fast. She started making veiled threats, contacted me and came to my house to have her nails done. She followed h home in her car when she lives nowhere near us. the second 3 wk period was spent with H being her lapdog. He was scared to stop it although the phone records showed he tried. she kept going nasty on him anytime he said no and he was sure she would tell me so he panicked. She wanted him to fill her car, go to subway or supermarket, even the sunbed shop. He went to all these places and frequently missed his own chance to eat lunch just to keep her quiet. He swears after the sex he just wanted her to go away. He saw her 'confidence' for what it was, an attitude whereby she only thought of herself. He is disgusted by what he has done and I can only assume from the details I have that he is telling the truth. He has told me so much it all seems to be starting to make sense.

H was very sorry for losing his temper the day after our row, as was I. We are both trying to improve our tempers.

I think I have the full truth now (give or take a couple of minor things he may be holding back that would cause hurt and aren't necessary for me to know) eg. he says there was no kissing in the car and she never touched him once. I suspect her not touching is true, she is a slag but frigid- weird I know. But I do think he touched her breasts. I have no confidence and my breasts are my only feature I actually like. HE knows I would lose this tiny bit of confidence if he told me he had touched hers. Things like that I think I would rather not know at this point. THey had sex, that's all I need to know.

I am going to take the advice not to text confrontational things and try to talk face to face calmly.

H's anger only ever comes out when he is frustrated. I have asked him to talk calmly to me if he feels like this and I have promised to talk calmly when we discuss the A.

Things have been better yesterday and today. Let's hope it's a sign of what's to come. He is really thinking about the why's of his affair but also changing his attitude to me and other women. Before he waould do all he could just to get some external validation, but this time his chickens came home to roost and he never wants to put me thru that again.

He has even stopped watching films like American pie cos he knows the nudity upsets me. He tells me that now when he sees a pretty woman in the street he thinks of whatever I have that she doesn't. He replaced everything she touched and refused a chance to go and see the band he was watching that fateful night cos it made him feel ill. He seems to be growing up, taking responsibility for his mess instead of leaving it for me cos now he sees me as his wife not a replacement mum. I have full access to all his media accounts. He texts me every hour, he even tells me if he leaves work for any reason so I always know where he is. There are so many things he is doing right there are too many to list.

I honestly didn't mean anything bad in my comment about living under the same roof but he being able to see whomever he pleased. I meant we will stay together to care for our son so he is not a weekend dad and have the single life if that is what he wished. I was giving him an alternative to r in case he didn't really want to be back with me but wanted to stay with our son. Yes, there was anger in it but that was because of his down playing. Cos of his downplaying I thought he can't accept it so I have to protect myself and not force him to stay. Obviously I was too angry to say it in a constructive way unfortunately.

I just simply saw red when he played down the facebook messages cos it felt like when I was getting tt and he kept saying they were 'just good friends' he either owns his shit or we can't move forward. I think he is starting to accept was he has done and face up to it, as am I.

Thanks for all the support and wise words.


Together 18yrs
me BS 36
him WS 41 (silent lucidity)
ea 1 facebook flirting with an ex 2011
ea/pa - co worker 6wks feb to apr pa for 1 wk with sex one time
too much tt to count = latest tt 30/7/14

Posts: 591 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 20

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