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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Am I unreasonable? Phone/text question
determined99
♀ New Member
Member # 39507
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D Day was June 5th, but there have been four additional D Day's since then. All of these resulted in more information and the revealing of more lies. None came voluntarily and only resulted when I told him I had phone and other records.
Last night I discovered that he broke NC AGAIN and had a phone and face to face coversation with the OW and lied repeatedly to me. They work 10 feet away and he will not quit his job. I told him that since trust was back at 0, and since he continually used 3 weapons to hurt me over and over again (phone, email and work)the only way we could now rebuild trust was for 3 things to happen. Are they unreasonable? 1) I needed the password to his work email but promised I wouldn't login to it. Just wanted to know he trusted me enough to give it to me 2) Since he has had a month and a half to find a new job and hasn't, I need him to give his 2 weeks notice if he doesn't have a job offer in 2 weeks knowing that I am willing to live in a box to save our marriage and 3) I have turned off the text on his phone and asked him to give me his phone each night for me to have until he goes back to work the next morning.

He says he can't do these things because I am treating him like a child and because he can't trust me. I have threatened to text the OW from his phone but have never actually done this.

Please be honest. Are these unreasonable requests or am I just stupid for giving him another chance after so much lying?


Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: determined99
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Given his inability to tell the truth, even after d-day, I think these requests are reasonable.

The only question I have is are you sure you can get by without his paycheck? If you can, great, but if not this is a tough one. Do you have kids? Do you own a home? Are you working?

My WH also works 10 feet away from OW and this is an enormous struggle for me as well.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In order to R he must do these things:

Full transparency..this is non-negotiable. He must give you full access to all of his accounts,cell,and passwords.

He must answer all of your questions without blame or anger.

He must send a NC email to OW...one he writes and you send.

He must find another job.

He must get tested for STD's.

Does the OW's BH know about the affair?

NOTHING you are asking for is unreasonable.

He says he doesn't trust YOU because you said you might text OW from his phone?? Um..what?? He has a girlfriend and he says he can't trust YOU???

You can not "nice" him out of the affair...and there is still an affair going on..all signs indicate that he and OW are still screwing around.

Im sorry.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:13 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7310 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ive read some of your older posts...tell the husband..tell your husband if he doesn't do everything you need to feel safe in this marriage that you are going to expose this affair...I think the fear of being outted in front of his congregation will force him out of the fog.

ETA: You are not treating him like a child...you are treating him like a man who cheated on his wife..and you are giving him the chance to save the marriage.

He wants secrecy...not privacy. Privacy is for the bathroom..he wants secrecy so he can carry on with the affair.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:14 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7310 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This guy is deeply in the fog. Telling you that he doesn't trust YOU!?!?!? What a jerkbag! He's trying to put this off on you and blameshift his own issues onto you so that he can go on having contact with OW all he wants. Time to put up or shut up.

Tell the OW's BH. Even though he's 70, he still has to know. That will likely kill the A right then and there. Your WH might not have to quit as the OW's BH might just make her quit instead.

There is no room for demanding WS's in R. If R is the goal, the WS needs to be completely open, honest, transparent, and willing to give up a lot of the things that they have earned by being trustworthy as they are no longer trustworthy. Will they earn that back someday? Depends on how they behave during R.

You are NOT being unreasonable. You have a right to ask for whatever you need in order to R and heal from this. WH is being completely unreasonable for not doing these simple things for you.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why should you promise not to log on to that email?
Confused's post is spot on.
You are overly reasonable as far as I am concerned. Time for him to get real.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no not unreasonable. but i would check the emails and the phone myself in my position since that's what I did. And I also texted the other woman...but some ppl on here say don't do that. I agree it does open up a can of worms though and the OW just texted my husband right back and it made them "stronger".

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2013
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says he can't do these things because I am treating him like a child and because he can't trust me.

You are right--he doesn't have to do any of the things that you have requested. But you do not have to tolerate it.

So don't tolerate it. You can't save your marriage by yourself, and you shouldn't have to go down on a sinking ship by yourself. If he isn't willing to put your mind at ease, and attempt to save your marriage, do you want to stay in it?

[This message edited by jb3199 at 7:38 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2036 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
unwound
♂ New Member
Member # 39704
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of these requests are reasonable. Failure to comply shows a lack of remorse.


Me-35
WW-35
HS Sweethearts
Married 17 years
DS-15
DD-11
D-Day June 6,2013
Verizon + Integrated Messaging = I am secretly reading EVERY text and picture she sends.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Jun 2013
MammaMia
♀ Member
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Determined:
Listen to confused; she speaks words of wisdom.

I read your older posts and I would advise you not to talk to the OW. She will not tell you the truth. Your H and this low life of a woman have already discussed and have come to an agreement what to tell you just in case....don't waste your time.
Do tell her H though. He must know. I think only FED EX allows addressees to sign if that is what you ask for.

You gave him more that enough chances to break it off with her. I agree with the other posters: they are still having an affair and they have taken it underground. To tell you the truth, even if he gives you all his passwords, I would not trust him. It would be easy for him to open up an new email account only for the two of them. How would you know? I do not trust him; sorry.

Do the 180. See an attorney to find out your rights in your state. Tell him nothing of what it is you are doing.

If you can afford a PI, do hire one. Since these two work at the same place, it will not cost you much. All the PI has to do for a week or so, is to watch their work place at noon and also after 5pm or whenever work is over. He needs to see if your H and this woman go out to lunch together or for drinks after work or for a 'quicky' in his /her car since they have already engaged in such behavior. Ask the PI for a report, a DVD and pictures.

Make duplicates of everything and hide one set. Then confront H but be prepared for more lies, trickle truth and denials. If he destroys your copies, no big deal..you'll have the duplicates. If you have a trusted friend, give her the duplicates so he does not find them; otherwise make sure you hide them where he could not find them however hard he looks for them.

You are NOT unreasonable. R cannot be achieved with these two seeing each other every day. It is impossible.

Do they have an Ethics dept where H works? Why don't you call them and report them? You can do it anonimously. He could be fired; heck !! Both of them could be fired!!!

If H accuses you of reporting them, play dumb, turn it around and get angry at him for even thinking that you could do such a thing. Then walk away. Don't engage in any more conversations with him on the subject. Think of it this way: Mission accomplished; he does not work with her any more.

Unless you move out of state, regardless of where he may find work in town, they could still be involved together...

Sorry.....


And once the storm is over, you wonít remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you wonít be the same person who walked in. Thatís what this stormís all about.Ē

Posts: 859 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
EasyDoesIt
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd boot his ass to the curb. You don't deserve that crap. He's a liar and untrustworthy. The blame-shifting is Cheaters Handbook 101.


Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3692 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
Topic Posts: 11

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