He says he can't do these things because I am treating him like a child and because he can't trust me. I have threatened to text the OW from his phone but have never actually done this.
Please be honest. Are these unreasonable requests or am I just stupid for giving him another chance after so much lying?
The only question I have is are you sure you can get by without his paycheck? If you can, great, but if not this is a tough one. Do you have kids? Do you own a home? Are you working?
My WH also works 10 feet away from OW and this is an enormous struggle for me as well.
Full transparency..this is non-negotiable. He must give you full access to all of his accounts,cell,and passwords.
He must answer all of your questions without blame or anger.
He must send a NC email to OW...one he writes and you send.
He must find another job.
He must get tested for STD's.
Does the OW's BH know about the affair?
NOTHING you are asking for is unreasonable.
He says he doesn't trust YOU because you said you might text OW from his phone?? Um..what?? He has a girlfriend and he says he can't trust YOU???
You can not "nice" him out of the affair...and there is still an affair going on..all signs indicate that he and OW are still screwing around.
[This message edited by confused615 at 12:13 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
ETA: You are not treating him like a child...you are treating him like a man who cheated on his wife..and you are giving him the chance to save the marriage.
He wants secrecy...not privacy. Privacy is for the bathroom..he wants secrecy so he can carry on with the affair.
[This message edited by confused615 at 12:14 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]
Tell the OW's BH. Even though he's 70, he still has to know. That will likely kill the A right then and there. Your WH might not have to quit as the OW's BH might just make her quit instead.
There is no room for demanding WS's in R. If R is the goal, the WS needs to be completely open, honest, transparent, and willing to give up a lot of the things that they have earned by being trustworthy as they are no longer trustworthy. Will they earn that back someday? Depends on how they behave during R.
You are NOT being unreasonable. You have a right to ask for whatever you need in order to R and heal from this. WH is being completely unreasonable for not doing these simple things for you.
He says he can't do these things because I am treating him like a child and because he can't trust me.
You are right--he doesn't have to do any of the things that you have requested. But you do not have to tolerate it.
So don't tolerate it. You can't save your marriage by yourself, and you shouldn't have to go down on a sinking ship by yourself. If he isn't willing to put your mind at ease, and attempt to save your marriage, do you want to stay in it?
[This message edited by jb3199 at 7:38 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
I read your older posts and I would advise you not to talk to the OW. She will not tell you the truth. Your H and this low life of a woman have already discussed and have come to an agreement what to tell you just in case....don't waste your time.
Do tell her H though. He must know. I think only FED EX allows addressees to sign if that is what you ask for.
You gave him more that enough chances to break it off with her. I agree with the other posters: they are still having an affair and they have taken it underground. To tell you the truth, even if he gives you all his passwords, I would not trust him. It would be easy for him to open up an new email account only for the two of them. How would you know? I do not trust him; sorry.
Do the 180. See an attorney to find out your rights in your state. Tell him nothing of what it is you are doing.
If you can afford a PI, do hire one. Since these two work at the same place, it will not cost you much. All the PI has to do for a week or so, is to watch their work place at noon and also after 5pm or whenever work is over. He needs to see if your H and this woman go out to lunch together or for drinks after work or for a 'quicky' in his /her car since they have already engaged in such behavior. Ask the PI for a report, a DVD and pictures.
Make duplicates of everything and hide one set. Then confront H but be prepared for more lies, trickle truth and denials. If he destroys your copies, no big deal..you'll have the duplicates. If you have a trusted friend, give her the duplicates so he does not find them; otherwise make sure you hide them where he could not find them however hard he looks for them.
You are NOT unreasonable. R cannot be achieved with these two seeing each other every day. It is impossible.
Do they have an Ethics dept where H works? Why don't you call them and report them? You can do it anonimously. He could be fired; heck !! Both of them could be fired!!!
If H accuses you of reporting them, play dumb, turn it around and get angry at him for even thinking that you could do such a thing. Then walk away. Don't engage in any more conversations with him on the subject. Think of it this way: Mission accomplished; he does not work with her any more.
Unless you move out of state, regardless of where he may find work in town, they could still be involved together...