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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Not as strong as I would like to be
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am supposed to go away for 2 days, alone.

I feel total panic now. I have so much trouble driving. My head goes to terrible places and it is a constant fight to stay focused. Half hour drives alone make me crazy. I think it became such a routine for me. Spend 10 hours at work and when it was finally safe to let out the pain when I left work I would cry and scream the whole ride home. I am trying to control this now, I don't scream anymore but it seems to be a constant battle to control the intrusive thoughts and images that come into my mind.

This will be a 2 hour ride alone for me.

Also, even though I don't want to feel this way, I honestly struggle when we are apart, even for work. I am terrified of spending the night apart. Trying to pretend I am ok when I not sure how I will be.

This is hard to admit.

I have been telling myself that I am fine. I will be fine alone. If he does not want to give what I need I will be fine alone.

I am so conflicted. One day I feel so strong and the next a quivering mess. Hell, it's not even day to day, it's moment to moment.

I don't trust a damn thing in my head. I want a lobotomy, amnesia, relief. I want to not have this as a part of my life.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why I should go

I love the beach

I can pull over if it gets too hard and take a break

I will probably spend my days off alone if I stay home

I cannot allow my fears to control me - I need to live again

My sister will be disappointed

H will do what he does - I cannot control what happens

If h is distant and defensive I will regret not going

Why I am so afraid

Intrusive thoughts, anxiety

spending night without h, will be the first since he came back

The pain of holding in emotions and trying to act fine in front of others

this is so stupid

so much for feeling detached, I am lying to myself

I hate this confusion. I change my mind constantly. My emotions shift with every thought.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can totally relate. I spend about 5 hours alone in the car a day. It is crazy making.

The more I do it the easier it gets. I try to fill the time with calls to friends or listen to something that holds my attention like a book on CD. Make a plan!!!

When I travel for work I find the hardest parts to be right before I leave and when I am on my way home. While I am away I tend to be a little more in the moment.

You can do it. And once you do you will have the confidence to know you could do it again. Your half hour drives probably won't seem so bad afterward.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Chicho,

I am out on the road alot for my job now. I continually have to pull myself back to the moment. It is exhausting. Then to show up at a strangers home and try to be upbeat and pleasant, interested in their decor, I feel as if I am continually fighting myself.

I am at work today, texted h about how I was struggling today, needed his support. He was supposed to come with me but now cannot. He has only texted back short, one word replies and now has not replied for 2 hours. It says to me I really don't want to deal with this, you don't matter.

On one hand I feel degraded by asking, but how can he know what I need if I don't say?

Also, maybe it is a test. Push to see if he will ever give.

My text to him was about my struggle with going away alone. My fear of driving so long alone, having to be apart. That I didn't think I could do it.

His reply was Well that is good for me. I guess that is ok, but I think I really want reassurance. Go, it will be good for you, you are safe now, I am sorry that you have to have such conflict over such a simple thing because of my actions.

I am a fool for wanting what he cannot give.

No expectations, no hurt.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hugs to you...i know you are hurting.

i think you should go. it will be hard..but i read your list...and it sounds like fun. force yourself to go. it will be good for you.

i was the exact same way...and still struggle with this. i even struggle going to visit my mom an hour away...but i force myself anyway...even though i know he would be cheating when i went to visit her.

i cant control him....just my own actions.....that is it.

if he wants to cheat, he will...


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
Attempting R in bi

Posts: 916 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cant...
I understand exactly how you feel! I have always been the strong one! When things go wrong who do people go to? Me, of course... they ask my advice... they want to know what they should do.... and I am realizing after the past few years that I need support sometimes too... I am not nearly as strong as I used to be... and unfortunately, those around me have now seen it and know that I am not what I once was.... well, maybe that is not so unfortunate.... my H needs to see what I am now reduced to... his last EA was what finally broke me... and I struggle daily to find myself again... there are glimpses and pieces, but not the whole package yet.
I too struggle to go and do things that I know might be fun... things that in the past I never would have even thought twice about doing... an overnight... shopping with friends... etc....
If you will take the advice of someone who is feeling the same as you I think you should just do it.... I woke up the other day to realize I cannot control HIM... if he wants to cheat he will.. and he can due to things I cannot control... I will not and cannot be his keeper....
I admit I struggle majorly with anxiety over this and never had anxiety before.... anything that does not seem right sends me into the shaking and breakdown mode still (3 years later- I know get help- tried meds- they don't work for me)..... anyway to not ramble....
Since my own dday I have gone to several events like overnighters with girlfriends and entire weekends away without my H.... yes they were filled with worry... but it doesn't matter if you are at home worrying or trying to live your life worrying- the point here is just GO and do the thing you think will be fun... you will have moments of worry and wonder (likely have them at home sitting there too)... but you will also at least attempt to push yourself forward and experience life again.
I admit I had some fun when I went- anxiety too.... but that is there no matter what.... so GO and try to have fun and let the worry go to the back of your mind... who knows you might even have some hours (dare I hope?) where you forget and just have some fun!

Posts: 1173 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Topic Posts: 6

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