Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: lpearl (44906)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Almost 2 years with "old"
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crash, and cmego, and cayc and OIAL have got me in a reflecting mood this morning

In early September it will be two years since I ended my "too soon post divorce, too early to be in a relationship, oops sorry" 6 month long relationship. Although I've had plenty of dates in the last two years, although I've had a lot of "first meetings" and have dated a few men for 3 or 4 dates, I haven't had a "dating relationship" in almost 2 years.

I was hoping (hell, I was certain) I'd find the right relationship early on. I bought the "6 month guarantee" package on Match, never thinking I would extend my contract (twice!), much less buy memberships on other dating sites. I was pretty hopeful, and pretty naive.

Almost two years. If I had known then, what I know now. When I started it was scary as hell. I had no idea what I was doing, made a lot of mistakes and missteps, forgot who I was and lost my "voice" more than one time. Each step I took I analyzed, debated, evaluated and discussed with my friends, on SI, in my head. It was exhausting! (eta yea, I know I still do it!) I thought I was so ready when I started. Thought I had my head on straight. Thought I was cool with it all. I wasn't, and maybe I'm still not, but I am so much more put together now than I was.

Almost two years. When I started OLD, I think I would have been pretty disheartened had I known I wouldn't find a relationship in two years. And yet, like every other step of this journey, I have learned so much about me. I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned. I really do think I'm awesome. I really wont settle. I really do know what I'm looking for. I really am going to be the one who chooses, not the one who is chosen. I really am going to be picky. I really am (almost totally) freaking okay with my singleness!

Although I really thought I would be one of the ones who found a good relationship right away, I'm grateful that I haven't. Huh, what do you know, it turns out my new beginning has really been ALL about ME after all.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3126 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a great post! There seem to be just a handful of us who have been fairly regularly on OLD for over two years without any relationship to show for it. So many seem to find an SO in relatively short order, so it can feel at times like I missed the starting gun (Pink Floyd, anyone?).

But you're so right. We learn as we do this, it gets easier and easier, and, as our perspectives broaden, we understand more and more what is best for us.

I'm thankful that some rather "close calls" for me early on did not turn into relationships.


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, it amazes me the people OLD works for really quickly. But, "patience grasshopper" (as my bestie reminds me).

I think I dodged a few bullets too.

I'm at the one year mark...but on/off the entire time and feeling a whole lot less hopeful in general. I have a spark of hope left, but overall...beginning to assume it ISN'T going to work.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4134 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
meaniemouse
♀ Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes---thanks so much for this post! I've been doing the OLD thing off and on (more off than on) for a while now and have had lots of dates and a couple of dating relationships but I have yet to meet anyone that made me want to give up my single, independent status and lifestyle. They were all nice people but not right for me. It's nice to know there are others out there who are facing the same thing. I have lots of friends but no one who is currently OLD so talking about it here on SI is my only reality test. I'm still struggling with this new beginning being about me because I'm so used to worrying about everyone else and taking care of them. It's definitely a process but I think learning to take care of me has been way more important than finding someone else to do it!

[This message edited by meaniemouse at 2:47 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2110 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh look, I think we have enough "it's been a long time on OLD" people to form a club!

Seriously though, one of the best things about SI is learning that I'm not the only one experiencing what I'm experiencing. Thank you all for that.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3126 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
dignityintact
♀ Member
Member # 32558
Default  Posted: 5:22 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone, (I'm a big lurker on this site - 2 years now - and you all have helped me no end)

I am OLD too - I recently moved back to my home country, and in March decided to give it a go. I have yet to meet someone, I've been on 3 dates - all the guys liked me - but, and this is what I am most proud of, I said no, because I now have the confidence not to settle for anything less than I deserve.
I think that is my NB in a nutshell - like you all, I'd love to meet a nice guy to share my life with, but I'm not going to rush into it. I can imagine it's going to take a while for someone special to cross my path, and if they don't, well that's ok too.

OLD is entertaining - I too get all the crazies - but they make me happy that I actually have a pretty good life!!

My last date was Friday night just gone - nice guy, very misguided - he lied about his age. Not that his actual age is a problem for me, but that he lied about it! Then he later said his last gf left him, and wasn't happy that he hadn't told her that he had children.....umm, you think!! Too many red flags - my choice was to say no!


"Sometimes on the way to the dream, you get a lost and find a better one"

Divorcing - at last!


Posts: 94 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Uk
Eranda
♀ Member
Member # 6010
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What the hell is OLD?


My Blog: http://allofthewaystohell.com/

Posts: 4226 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: eastern PA
OnceInALifetime
♂ Member
Member # 26023
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OLD is online dating. And yes, "hell" may indeed be the operative word


BH, now divorced

Posts: 3012 | Registered: Oct 2009
caregiver9000
♀ Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just over one year...

And I too, have made the conscious switch from being chosen to I will make a good choice. It is a HUGE change for me and a positive one. And this I do firmly believe I owe to SI as I can remember the moment when I read a comment here from someone who "assumed" (or was projecting the confidence) that I would be choosing.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5808 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Care...you deserve the best!

My bestie reminds me constantly if I just wanted "in a relationship", there are guys lining up. I want the RIGHT one.

So...patience.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4134 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
Williesmom
♀ Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah. I'm a "goals" kinda girl. Whe I got divorced, I swore that I would be remarried within 2 years.

It's been almost 5 years, and I don't even have an SO, but I'm dangerously close to becoming the crazy dog lady.

I do have some wonderful men in my life, but I'm kind of taking a break from old right now.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7638 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been OLD for about 3 years. I've gone on a few dates, nothing serious ever developed. At the same time I've been working on me and I discovered that I have never been in a healthy relationship, just one disaster after another. I also had never gone more than a few months without being in a relationship.

This time I have gone over 5 years without being in a relationship or living with someone. I've found that I am happy being single and don't know that I really ever want to give that up. I'm just fine with it being just me and the kids.

I think it's all the past mistakes and bad relationships that has made me so picky. I'm not settling this time around. If I give up my freedom it's going to be for someone who I really want to be with and someone who deserves to be with me.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4775 | Registered: Feb 2008
Topic Posts: 12

Return to Forum: New Beginnings Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.