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Newest Member: Rdsxgrl (44691)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: counseling, effort, disgust, etc
silentlyscreamin
♀ New Member
Member # 34792
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So what are we almost 8 months since Dday and I feel disgusted still. He is in IC because we had actually started MC 3 months before DD (guess I sensed something was going on) and it was determined he had more issues so he continued alone. He has gone to IC on and off since DD (that was a condition) and now I am insisting more since it was sporatic and he says it is 1 to 2 x a week now that he goes. I am now debating if we should find a new MC (since our MC became his IC-which I am fine with, she specialized in trauma so it worked out for him). My point is, at this point, he is a very angry person, probably because I am just kinda existing because I am so disgusted and hurt by the A. Since he has no coping skills, instead of doing everything in a nice way, he does things nasty, like "Im going here and I will call from the land line so you know im not lying" or he will say "do you want me to take a picture of the gym?" etc. He is acting angry like I am the cheater? and if I try to remind him he gets angrier saying he knows I view him as useless I have told him many times etc etc. So what is the point of MC if I am so disgusted? Will the MC say why are you here if you are not 100% committed to fixing this? and frankly the way he is acting, I dont see how a MC wouldn't tell me to get the hell out! I feel like he should be acting so sorry and proving things in a loving way and instead he is acting like I did this to us. We sleep in separate bedrooms and basically see each other a few minutes a day and the exchanges are filled with anger. I can't say anything without him getting defensive. I really dont want to live like this anymore yet I feel like I am too depressed (not sure if that is right word) to make an effort in either direction so I am literally just existing. Each day passes, and its no different than the next. How do I get umph to do something about this? My life is such a lie to the external world. Makes me sick. Thanks for listening.


Married 5 years
DD 12/31/11 EA
DD#2 12/27/12 PA, started 9/12, ended 12/12
Status: living together due to finances but I feel continued anger and am leaning 95% toward divorce

Posts: 49 | Registered: Feb 2012
silentlyscreamin
♀ New Member
Member # 34792
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and i need to add that I am 100% feeling sorry for myself on a daily basis. As i have posted previously all I ever wanted was a family with kids. "I" was the one who didnt want a career but wanted to be a mother since a young age, that was the career I wanted. I do now have a career, masters degree,etc, but i feel like everyone else has the family that I want. I see people get pregnant and i try not to be jealous and think time is not right for me, etc, then they get pregnant with their 2nd kid, etc and I start to think okay, how long can I tell myself "when the time is right". At this rate, age 36 and my crap marriage, I will never get what I want and I blame myself. I let this happen to me. and here i sit, still not doing anything to help myself. I guess after all this reading of affairs I lost faith in finding any relationship that is trustworthy. I mean my cell rang at 6:40 EST tonight with unfamiliar #. I answer it, a girl asks who this is, I automatically have heart palpitations. I say my name and say who is this. She tells me her name and then says this # called me. I said, no I didnt call you. She said asked is this a dentist office. I said no. SHe said sorry to bother you. NOW here i sit wondering, was it really a wrong #? Was it a chick my husband talks to who found my #? Who is calling their dentist at 640 on a fri night? Don't you know your dentists #? I feel like calling back and asking do you know my husband.... my point is, one stupid event made my hands shake, made me feel sick and makes me feel like crap. When will this go away? I feel like i will always ? every phone call, every wrong # now. I feel like it is no way to live. I never asked for much, honestly I didn't. Im very independent and easy going and take care of myself. All i wanted was a typical family, that I could enjoy, do fun things with, etc and all i am is alone, with someone I cant trust. So depressed.


Married 5 years
DD 12/31/11 EA
DD#2 12/27/12 PA, started 9/12, ended 12/12
Status: living together due to finances but I feel continued anger and am leaning 95% toward divorce

Posts: 49 | Registered: Feb 2012
shatteredheart7
♀ Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((silentlyscreamin)))

I'm sorry you are going through all this. You mentioned your WH is going to IC, are you in IC yourself? I found that helped me get a hold of my feelings and emotions. It may help you better deal with the depression. He has no right to be angry with you. You deserve to know where he is, what he is doing and with who! He made the choice to cheat and he pays the consequences of that choice.


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
silentlyscreamin
♀ New Member
Member # 34792
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I am not in IC. Funny how i just posted to someone in Just Found Out, not to make same mistake as me and wait til the feeling is not as raw because now I am so indifferent and angry and depressed that I dont even have energy to put into myself. i guess i also ? how that will help the relationship, because isn't the job the IC to help me and wouldn't his IC help him? so then who helps us as a whole? In all honesty if I go to an IC i can bet she will tell me to leave. If i was a counselor that is what I would tell someone like me.


Married 5 years
DD 12/31/11 EA
DD#2 12/27/12 PA, started 9/12, ended 12/12
Status: living together due to finances but I feel continued anger and am leaning 95% toward divorce

Posts: 49 | Registered: Feb 2012
shatteredheart7
♀ Member
Member # 39734
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will never know unless you go talk to someone. Also, the IC is for YOU! Not your WH, not your M, but YOU! Also, IMO a good C will not tell you what you should do, but will help you to figure out what YOU want.

My H started IC shortly after I moved out. He had been going for a little over a month when we started "dating" again. Shortly after that he asked me to join him for one of his sessions. I went gladly and we actually figured out a lot of our previous problems in that one visit. I went with him one other time after that. When he finally confessed, I had no idea about the A until it had been over for 7-8 months, I started going to IC for me. After a couple months we started going to MC. All of our counseling is with the same guy. I felt better going to someone that was already familiar with our situation, but that was just my personal preference.


Me~40
FWH~46
Married 8yrs
Together 11 1/2
Me~ 3 kids, 21,17,14
Him~no kids
A with a mutual "friend" for 2+yrs
He confessed 9/9/12
A was over 2/12
7/13~ Happier than we have been in yrs!

Posts: 240 | Registered: Jul 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, if you don't have the energy to put into yourself, who will? Dust yourself off and go see an IC. You need it. You need someone to bounce your ideas off of whose there just for you. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4715 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
silentlyscreamin
♀ New Member
Member # 34792
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you are both right. I think i am sinking into a depression so I must force myself to make an appointment. Just as I blame him for being a victim of his childhood, I am staying a victim in this marriage because I am doing nothing to help myself.

It just sucks because I only have a few friends and they don't even know because they would totally ream me for staying at this moment. I kinda lost some of my friends or my being so involved with them when I was in Grad school for 5 years while working FT. I didn't have time for them so now many of them have their own lives. I guess I don't know what I would do if I leave this dysfunctional comfort, if that makes any sense. I think that is why I don't make any moves. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I should call Monday. I guess I was debating whether I should do MC or IC. The person I selected is both.


Married 5 years
DD 12/31/11 EA
DD#2 12/27/12 PA, started 9/12, ended 12/12
Status: living together due to finances but I feel continued anger and am leaning 95% toward divorce

Posts: 49 | Registered: Feb 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Echoing the idea that a good IC will help you figure out what you want. An IC who tells you what to do should be fired very quickly.

MC now might help you communicate a lot better by telling your H he needs to answer questions without getting defensive.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9985 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Take baby step silentlyscreamin. Call the IC, start talking. It will help. Start doing nice things for yourself. Work out, go to yoga, meditate, get a mani/pedi, find your thing. Start taking care of yourself. This is a first step regardless of whether you stay or go, so it is a "safe" one. I started training for a half marathon right after Dday. It was something that was just mine. I trained with a great group of women who became friends.

Right now you're stuck in a pretty toxic place. You are the only one who can unstick you; but you have to take those first baby steps.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 452 | Registered: Dec 2012
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only have a few friends and they don't even know because they would totally ream me for staying

An IC, or a good friend, will help you put words to your deepest fears.
Why are you afraid to leave your WH? What do you get from staying, i.e., promise of child/family, safety, etc.?


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
silentlyscreamin
♀ New Member
Member # 34792
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess Im afraid of the unknown. I have known this life for quite sometime. I mean even before I found out about the affair things were rocky. I always thought "well if we can just get past this depression of his" or "if he just gets his degree" or "if he just finds a job and isn't laid off anymore" or "when he is healed from this surgery"etc. I guess I kept making excuses as to when "happiness" would come. As i write this, I realize all the things i was basing happiness on were things that HE needed/needs to accomplish and finish. Instead of focusing on why I am unhappy, I was blaming my unhappiness on his outcomes or lack of outcomes. I guess that is why I dont know who I am. Bottom line is, I am very strong and independent in so many ways, yet I don't want to be alone. I am an introvert/extrovert, so meeting people is not always easy for me. This proves even more that I need to get my butt to an IC!

and...you are right I want a family and children so bad, but not at the expense of them suffering with me. and i also think part of me thinks, I stuck with him thru all his garbage that "when" he pulls it together I should then reap the benefits of him being healthy. I know that sounds dumb but i guess that was also my mindset.

[This message edited by silentlyscreamin at 6:31 PM, July 14th (Sunday)]


Married 5 years
DD 12/31/11 EA
DD#2 12/27/12 PA, started 9/12, ended 12/12
Status: living together due to finances but I feel continued anger and am leaning 95% toward divorce

Posts: 49 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 11

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