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Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

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User Topic: Obligation/Codependence??
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry if I am posting too much, but I feel like I need perspective right now!
I am 90% for D and feel calm about it.
Of course when my WS says "the right things" I get this nugget of...(hope is not the word), obligation or that I owe it to him/us/myself to see if he's being earnest.
After all the $hitsandwiches I've eaten since April you'd think I would just brush/floss/rinse and leave.
I know I have codependent tendencies. I love him, but his actions have made me fall out of love with him.
I don't know if I can be married to the person he is, or if the person I am now wants to be married.
So why do I feel this tiny little pucker in my chest that says "don't file yet".

"Hope is a thing that once released, either fulfills itself or dies..." (but how long do we watch it fly?)


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may be co-dependent, but I don't think this is proof. Rather, it seems like a normal human response when a long-term intimate relationship breaks up. It's really hard to give up something that was once wonderful.

Why not give yourself permission to file and not to file? Or remind yourself that filing is just part of the process?

Working on yourself may be a good idea, but there's no need to call yourself a name that sounds bad.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is normal to have doubts. It is also normal to not want to let go just yet, to wonder if just maybe the relationship you treasured can be saved.

So he says the right things sometimes... What do his actions say?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SilverHopes...
That is what I am waiting to see. He is taking this weekend "alone". We will see if he continues talking to OW (hedging his bets).
I am at a point where I am agonizingly griefstricken that his head wasn't out of his a$$ the last 3 months when I had the time, energy and love to work 1000% toward our marriage.
Now I don't know what I have to give. D would be a relief at this point.


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
brokenandconfuse
♀ Member
Member # 39381
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have struggled with this a lot. I could have written the exact same thing. What I looked at was that when I was away from him, I don't miss him. Sometimes I miss the image of what I thought that we had, but realize that we never had that. He has cheated since the minute I met him. However, I finally realized that he kept telling me that I "owed" him a second chance and he would never do it again and that he is changed. That is why I was holding on...because he was telling me to and making me feel guilty and obligated for him/to him. He has NEVER given me that same respect. In my case it is manipulation and control. When I told him that we were done-he said terrible things to me, got drunk, was going to kill himself, was moving to Maine or Mexico...until I called the cops on him. I don't know what your situation is like, but as hard as it is...you don't owe him anything. If you choose to be with him, that is a gift to him and he had better appreciate it. I have been in your position over and over for months and he keeps talking me out of it. Yes, I AM Co-dependent and I have been manipulated, lyed to, and abused for so many years that I forgot how to stand up for myself.

I don't have answers for you, but I can share my story and agree that you have to look at the actions and not listen to the words. They will say anything.


2DS, 2DD
BS-Me 32
WH-Him 43
DDay-All 14 years of our relationship. 3PA's, 3 one night stands, and 6 EA's and still counting as we go. Gained enough strength to face it 11/2012

Getting Divorced


Posts: 101 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
myperfectlife
♀ Member
Member # 39801
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Brokenandconfused.
I do think about him all the time when I am not with him. We'v been together 18 years and had a great life for most of those years.
But I do not love the person he is right now.
Then again, that person changes day by day...such is the roller coaster.
Thank you for your advice.((hugs))


I cannot be responsible for another's personal growth.
DDay#1 of a "cheatillion" 4/1/13
Divorce final 11/04/13

Posts: 452 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 6

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