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Newest Member: Gladiator5 (45339)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm still conflict avoiding
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but in a different way. I realized this at IC yesterday. We talked about how I feel powerless to make any big decisions regarding spending money or making a big purchase. Certainly these things should be discussed in a marriage.
For instance, we have all sorts of junk metal in our backyard that hubby won't throw away because he doesnt' have a truck. We could call someone to haul it away but I'm afraid to do this for fear he'll get angry that I spent money to do this.
We have dead trees and branches that need to be cut back and I need to hire someone to do this - hubby said he'd get at it with a hacksaw or borrow the neighbors chainsaw but he never does. So, I should just hire it done. But I'm afraid to.
This is not a good dynamic. I talked to him about things like this yesterday and I think I'm imagining what will happen if I go ahead, that he'll get mad. when I talked to him about this he said he wouldn't. He agreed that it needed to be done. So, I'm avoiding these unpleasant conversations and letting resentment build. Thus, conflict avoiding at it's best.

We talked in IC how we're going to work on getting my power back and not being afraid of spending money that is rightfully mine as well.

My husband is frugal. I get that and it is his right. But sometimes I am not, although I'm fiscally responsible. This powerless feeling goes back to the beginning of our marriage. I need to be an adult in this marriage and ask for what I need and what I want my life to look like. I deserve that. He deserves someone telling him what they need and not letting it fester - like I have done in the past. It's dishonest, actually. I want to be authentic and have my life reflect that.

does this make sense to anyone else?

[This message edited by rachelc at 8:00 AM, July 12th (Friday)]


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5262 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
unforgivable5
♂ Member
Member # 38797
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm right there with you. Horrible problem for me as well. My IC calls it "fortune telling." Thats when you've already predicted the outcome in your head and thus act (or not act) based off this.

I'm confused though. Did you alrady talk to your husband about this and he said it was ok to go ahead?

when I talked to him about this he said he wouldn't. He agreed that it needed to be done

If you havent yet then you must. You know it because you said it. You want to live honest and authentic.

How you bring it up will also depend on how the message is received. Try to approach it from a place of love and respect, not fear and/or frustration.


WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013
circlingthedrain
♂ Member
Member # 25733
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree, you should be comfortable speaking your truth.

Suggest you tell him how important the cleanup is to you, agree on a reasonable amount of time for him to get it done, but make it clear if it is not done by then, you will be calling someone to do it. Then if it is important to him to save the money he'll get up off his ass and do the work.


BH (me), 53
FWW (Her) 55
DD18, DS15
D-Day 12/23/2007
R going well

Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then --- Bob Seger


Posts: 326 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: East Coast
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i already imagined the conversation in my head but when I actually had the conversation with him he agreed the work needed to be done but he is too depressed to do it. Ok, so I will pick up that slack. I'm off for the summer and can do things like this.



his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5262 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Finally10
♂ Member
Member # 36900
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a suggestion...

If you've got junk metal hanging around, put an ad in the local paper asking for someone to come pick it up. The value in the metal as scrap will entice them to do it for free. That scrap is worth probably $0.10 per pound at the scrap yard. We even have scavengers that prowl the neighborhoods on trash day picking up anything remotely metal for them to sell at the scrap yard.


Posts: 113 | Registered: Sep 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finally - I will do that! thanks for the tip.

I will also tell hubby that his refusal to take antidepressants is having an impact on our life.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5262 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
KBeguile
♂ Member
Member # 38348
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rachelc said:
I will also tell hubby that his refusal to take antidepressants is having an impact on our life.

I'm going to suggest you DON'T do this, or at least, find a more gentle way to phrase it. As someone who is on ADs, I would be hurt and offended if I were approached in this manner. And, considering I projected this onto Heart during our worst times and attacked her for not using ADs, I have experienced her particular pain of being practically yelled at to take them and having to stand her ground to refuse.


Me: fWS 32
Her: BS 35 (HeartInADustpan)
DS: 4yo
M: 7 years
DDays: 2012/11/14, 2013/02/05, 2013/03/09
-
"Everything that happens now is happening 'now.'"
"What happened to 'then'?"
"We passed 'then.'"

Posts: 801 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: St. Louis
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will tell him gently, probably at MC. it's his choice and I understand it.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5262 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slight T/J:

We had these old weights sitting in our garage for like 10 years...no bar bell anymore, no bench, just the weights and my H just did not want to get rid of them.

One day this spring we were cleaning out the garage and he finally agreed to put them out in the street to be picked up by the trash the next morning.

They were gone within 4 hours! Someone drove by and picked them up before the trash even came! Like the other poster said scrap metal is valuable to more people then you think and I don't know where you live but if you put an ad in the paper I bet someone will come get it.


Posts: 5673 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Topic Posts: 9

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