Has anyone else had this experience?
If your husband has that much of a problem with alcohol he shouldn't be drinking at all. He should be in a treatment problem. IMO, alcohol did not make your husband cheat. Without getting to the root of these issues, only drinking when you are around is a short-term bandaid solution - at best. As long as you realize that.
You and your MC are not your husband's keeper. You cannot be his warden, monitor, mother or conscience. He either sees your triggers and his own weak spots, respects himself first and foremost along with you and your marriage enough to not put himself in compromising situations again, develops boundaries for himself, chooses wisely and make changes, or he doesn't.
A bit more about the situation. MC said specifically "I am not one of those therapists that think every person that makes a bad decision when they are drinking is automatically an alcoholic" Her perspective was that now - in the early stages of recovery (we are 10 weeks in) she would like for WH to be clean/not altered mentally when he is out and about in the world. Until he gets to the root of the A, builds up strategies to prevent it, etc she feels this is safest.
WH has NEVER blamed the A on the alcohol. In fact he resists when I sway that way. He has since DDay owned it, been remorseful, been an open book, etc. When she suggested this yesterday I was the one that expressed concern not him - he said "fine whatever it takes"
So... back to the original question - has anyone else had experience with a MC that told them "no alcohol"???
Unless I misunderstand, even if alcohol played a role the first encounter, was he drunk everyday for the duration of his affair? Alcohol is not the smoking gun here, and if it is, then that is a different problem entirely. Lots of people get drunk and don't cheat.
If the MC is using this method as a stop-gap measure and buying time to work on your WH's other issues that's one thing. If she's leaving it at that, that's entirely different, because you can't control someone else's behavior. If she's trying to help you with triggers that's understandable. Hope that makes sense.
That's just my my opinion though, nothing else.
It took a great deal of discussion for him to realize that he does, indeed, have an alcohol problem. He now understands that, while drinking may appear fun to a point, he frequently becomes antagonistic (completely the opposite of his personality) while drinking and that sex with him is downright awful when he's been drinking (also completely the opposite of when he's sober). There is no way that something that has that big of an effect on him can be ruled out as factor if it was present in each case of infidelity and every other bad decision as well. That doesn't excuse the decision but it certainly adds an element to consider when looking for the "why".
After he realized that alcohol really did factor in, he cut back his drinking to just occasional situations where we are both present (I do the driving). Our marriage improved exponentially with just that change alone.
20 yrs. old, single, naive, thoughtless, but not deliberately hurtful.
OW#2 05/2010- 07/2010
44 yrs.old, married bitch in heat who acted like a whore and got treated like one.
I mean, most people drink to either "have a good time" or to self medicate their problems. Especially if they are more than a social drinker (like ONE drink with dinner)
If it were me, I would stop drinking altogether (even if there is not "alcoholism") and deal with the problems of the marriage and the process of R. Worked for us.
If alcohol is not a problem for him then he should have no trouble abstaining from drinking with co-workers or clients etc. when he is away on business trips etc.
( this was how my FWH and his MOW conducted their LTA-always at work conferences, conventions, business trips and in a bar parking lot after work during happy hour).
If you find that he has a hard time abstaining during those times...then maybe he has a bit more of an alcohol problem than he would like to admit.
One of the best things that came about after d-day for me was that my FWH got sober!
See if any of this fits.
The questionnaire was developed by Johns Hopkins and is very reliable.
Of course, most people don't want to accept the results, but they can at least try it on for size before rejecting it.... After all, it's only from one of the leading research institutions in the world.
Being further down the road in R there are a couple things I noticed, and I could be way off the mark, so take them with grain of salt.
When you used the term 'black out' that usually indicates a serious drinking problem. One that should be addressed. I don't know the extent of your husbands drinking. It seems at the same time you are downplaying it and haven't referred to it in other posts I've seen, so IF (and yeah, this is a leap) the term 'black out' was thrown out there as a possibility because your husband can't remember details about that night or his affair in general -- MOST WS say they don't remember. Those are two very different things.
WH has NEVER blamed the A on the alcohol. In fact he resists when I sway that way.
Try to catch yourself when you are heading that way and stop.
It is very easy in beginning for a BS, and sometimes MC as well, to latch onto something as a quick and easily explained reason or excuse that absolves the WS from the sole responsibility for having an affair. I know I did. There are usually lots of contributing factors, but the 'whys' go deeper than that.
Hopefully your husband will get to the point that he will know for himself to not consider going to a bar with colleagues because of his history or because he understands how that would trigger you and how deeply those triggers affect you. When you see these changes taking place, especially ones that a WS recognizes on their own and corrects the behavior, you know you are seeing solid remorse and progress.
Good luck on the road to R, it is not an easy one but can be worth it.
Yeah, I am (at 10ish weeks) still pretty all over the map as far as what I WANT the story to be - one side wanting him to just say "i am an evil asshole and this is the tip of the iceberg" to the other extreme of "i was held at gunpoint".
The good news is as soon as I identify anything as a trigger, he does whatever it takes to accomodate me. In the bar incident first mentioned he had sent me a text that they were moving from dinner to the bar next door. A few volleys into the exchange I expressed "I an NOT ok with this and totally freaking out" to which he responded that he was getting a cab and would skype me from the hotel asap - which is exactly what he did.
I am not sure where this is going to evolve to as far as his drinking goes. He did say he was annoyed a few nights ago when he was out with his son (teenager) and couldn't have a drink with dinner - because he hates that someone else (MC) made that decision for him. I was hoping he would evolve to that on his own myself - and I too was a little shocked that she just laid it out. He did say that he is willing to do whatever the MC suggests and just trust the process...
It does get better. Just need to be there for your WS. Show them you care about their feelings. Comfort them.