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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: MC told WH "no alcohol"
CatchyUsername
♀ Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday our MC told WH that she would like him to only drink when he is with me. That he should abstain at all other times. This came after I related a story about how he was traveling for business and had gone out to dinner with colleagues and clients. (planned ahead and fine by me) Then he texted me to say they were moving to a bar and I freaked. We talked a bit more and I expressed my concern that WS could not recall basic details of the night the A started - he had been drinking - but insists he did not "black out" rather he is just generally "bad at remembering details". Our MC basically said "i don't want you to be dis-inhibited when you are not with Catchy".

Has anyone else had this experience?


Posts: 172 | Registered: Jun 2013
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And then what?

If your husband has that much of a problem with alcohol he shouldn't be drinking at all. He should be in a treatment problem. IMO, alcohol did not make your husband cheat. Without getting to the root of these issues, only drinking when you are around is a short-term bandaid solution - at best. As long as you realize that.

You and your MC are not your husband's keeper. You cannot be his warden, monitor, mother or conscience. He either sees your triggers and his own weak spots, respects himself first and foremost along with you and your marriage enough to not put himself in compromising situations again, develops boundaries for himself, chooses wisely and make changes, or he doesn't.


Growing forward

Posts: 1444 | Registered: Sep 2011
CatchyUsername
♀ Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dixie - that was a big leap you just took! But I appreciate the perspective.

A bit more about the situation. MC said specifically "I am not one of those therapists that think every person that makes a bad decision when they are drinking is automatically an alcoholic" Her perspective was that now - in the early stages of recovery (we are 10 weeks in) she would like for WH to be clean/not altered mentally when he is out and about in the world. Until he gets to the root of the A, builds up strategies to prevent it, etc she feels this is safest.

WH has NEVER blamed the A on the alcohol. In fact he resists when I sway that way. He has since DDay owned it, been remorseful, been an open book, etc. When she suggested this yesterday I was the one that expressed concern not him - he said "fine whatever it takes"

So... back to the original question - has anyone else had experience with a MC that told them "no alcohol"???


Posts: 172 | Registered: Jun 2013
Undone1
♀ Member
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CatchyUserName--you describe my husband. Although alcohol "did not make my husband" have the A, it was a big contributing factor. My husband is shy and he becomes uninhibited when drinking. First A was a ONS when drunk with "a friend" while I was out of town. Second was while drinking on business while out of town. Everyone was very merry! and third-- LTA started while drinking with work friends every Friday. I do believe my husband has an alcohol abuse problem and we have discussed how the alcohol has helped with the slippery slope. In MC my husband said he would NOT be giving up alcohol and I said I would stay as long as I could. He is commited to reconcilliation but I believe he is in denial about the role that alcohol plays in his life. I would prefer that he only drink with me and not drink while on business travel. He tried to do that, but right out of the gate drank too much and was very sorry. I am waiting to see what happens with the alcohol. So far he is managing it, but how knows how long that will last.


Undone1
Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Catchy, I don't think it was that big of a leap. It sounded like your MC was factoring or focusing on alcohol as part of the equation for your husband's affair. It lowered his inhibitions for example. That's a dangerous road to go down if she's going to end there. It's good your husband is not using it as an excuse.

Unless I misunderstand, even if alcohol played a role the first encounter, was he drunk everyday for the duration of his affair? Alcohol is not the smoking gun here, and if it is, then that is a different problem entirely. Lots of people get drunk and don't cheat.

If the MC is using this method as a stop-gap measure and buying time to work on your WH's other issues that's one thing. If she's leaving it at that, that's entirely different, because you can't control someone else's behavior. If she's trying to help you with triggers that's understandable. Hope that makes sense.

That's just my my opinion though, nothing else.


Growing forward

Posts: 1444 | Registered: Sep 2011
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The common denominator in every bad decision my husband has ever made has been alcohol. From the time he was a teenager and got into trouble to the affairs, he has consistently proven that when he is drinking and his inhibitions are down, he makes bad decisions.

It took a great deal of discussion for him to realize that he does, indeed, have an alcohol problem. He now understands that, while drinking may appear fun to a point, he frequently becomes antagonistic (completely the opposite of his personality) while drinking and that sex with him is downright awful when he's been drinking (also completely the opposite of when he's sober). There is no way that something that has that big of an effect on him can be ruled out as factor if it was present in each case of infidelity and every other bad decision as well. That doesn't excuse the decision but it certainly adds an element to consider when looking for the "why".

After he realized that alcohol really did factor in, he cut back his drinking to just occasional situations where we are both present (I do the driving). Our marriage improved exponentially with just that change alone.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
3 kids

DD#1: 3/18/2003
DD#2: 9/28/2010 with a follow up on 1/28/2011 where he decided to come clean about the EA actually being a PA.

The OW could have been anybody and both turned out to be nobody special.


Posts: 3773 | Registered: Sep 2005
Myheartstillhurt
♀ Member
Member # 32430
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC told us we both needed to abstain from alcohol. That alcohol delays the healing process and prevents people from dealing with reality and the pain.

I mean, most people drink to either "have a good time" or to self medicate their problems. Especially if they are more than a social drinker (like ONE drink with dinner)

If it were me, I would stop drinking altogether (even if there is not "alcoholism") and deal with the problems of the marriage and the process of R. Worked for us.


BS(me) 32
fWH 36 (Epicallyfailedu)
OW/xBFF of 28 years
Four girls under 11
DDay: 6/5/2010

Posts: 2009 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Michigan
njgal480
♀ Member
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with your MC.

If alcohol is not a problem for him then he should have no trouble abstaining from drinking with co-workers or clients etc. when he is away on business trips etc.
( this was how my FWH and his MOW conducted their LTA-always at work conferences, conventions, business trips and in a bar parking lot after work during happy hour).

If you find that he has a hard time abstaining during those times...then maybe he has a bit more of an alcohol problem than he would like to admit.

One of the best things that came about after d-day for me was that my FWH got sober!


Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA
Reconciled.


Posts: 3139 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He probably shouldn't be drinking, at all, no matter who he is with.

See if any of this fits.

http://www.lanarkleedsaa.org/pages/aboutaa/are_you_an_alcoholic.htm

The questionnaire was developed by Johns Hopkins and is very reliable.

Of course, most people don't want to accept the results, but they can at least try it on for size before rejecting it.... After all, it's only from one of the leading research institutions in the world.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Hrtbrken1
♀ Member
Member # 33802
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After DDay FWH has dropped alcohol consumption by about 80%. It's such a huge difference! pre-A, and during, he was on the brink. Drank as soon as he came home, drank to excess at every social gathering, it was unbearable. Very belligerent every time I brought it up. His drinking absolutely contributed to his decision making. He sobered up after DDay. I am extremely proud of him for gaining control over the booze. Now we can enjoy it again, both of us together (we use to brew), without me worrying he'll be drunk. I think your MC's idea is a good one, not only for teaching restraint, but also it helps you feel safer. In reality, he needs to not be going to any bars, not for a long time.


Me-BW
Him-WH
Together 16 years, married 10.
DDay 07/26/2011, 8 month EA/PA with friend of our family. Months of TT.
DDay#2 Early spring 2012, confirmed EA with another woman.

Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Sunny South
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Catchy, after giving it more thought, I wanted to apologize because you are very close to dday and I think my response could be interpreted as flippant. I don't know specifics about your situation other than what you've written here and it is vague.

Being further down the road in R there are a couple things I noticed, and I could be way off the mark, so take them with grain of salt.

When you used the term 'black out' that usually indicates a serious drinking problem. One that should be addressed. I don't know the extent of your husbands drinking. It seems at the same time you are downplaying it and haven't referred to it in other posts I've seen, so IF (and yeah, this is a leap) the term 'black out' was thrown out there as a possibility because your husband can't remember details about that night or his affair in general -- MOST WS say they don't remember. Those are two very different things.

WH has NEVER blamed the A on the alcohol. In fact he resists when I sway that way.

Try to catch yourself when you are heading that way and stop.

It is very easy in beginning for a BS, and sometimes MC as well, to latch onto something as a quick and easily explained reason or excuse that absolves the WS from the sole responsibility for having an affair. I know I did. There are usually lots of contributing factors, but the 'whys' go deeper than that.

Hopefully your husband will get to the point that he will know for himself to not consider going to a bar with colleagues because of his history or because he understands how that would trigger you and how deeply those triggers affect you. When you see these changes taking place, especially ones that a WS recognizes on their own and corrects the behavior, you know you are seeing solid remorse and progress.

Good luck on the road to R, it is not an easy one but can be worth it.


Growing forward

Posts: 1444 | Registered: Sep 2011
CatchyUsername
♀ Member
Member # 39415
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dixie - thanks for coming back to this...

Yeah, I am (at 10ish weeks) still pretty all over the map as far as what I WANT the story to be - one side wanting him to just say "i am an evil asshole and this is the tip of the iceberg" to the other extreme of "i was held at gunpoint".

The good news is as soon as I identify anything as a trigger, he does whatever it takes to accomodate me. In the bar incident first mentioned he had sent me a text that they were moving from dinner to the bar next door. A few volleys into the exchange I expressed "I an NOT ok with this and totally freaking out" to which he responded that he was getting a cab and would skype me from the hotel asap - which is exactly what he did.

I am not sure where this is going to evolve to as far as his drinking goes. He did say he was annoyed a few nights ago when he was out with his son (teenager) and couldn't have a drink with dinner - because he hates that someone else (MC) made that decision for him. I was hoping he would evolve to that on his own myself - and I too was a little shocked that she just laid it out. He did say that he is willing to do whatever the MC suggests and just trust the process...


Posts: 172 | Registered: Jun 2013
determined2020
♀ New Member
Member # 39578
Content  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah that has happened to me as a WS. Right after D Day and a little while didn't approve of me drinking unless she was around. I understood where she was coming from. It was a trigger for her bc I used to get really touchy feely when I would drink. Now about 3 wks later we are drinking together and hanging with close friends.

It does get better. Just need to be there for your WS. Show them you care about their feelings. Comfort them.


Determined2020

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 13

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